Mother Nature is Funny

Okay, so I recently joined a garden forum, which has been great. I've been getting plants for free from a very generous lady in Pennyslavania, and have been given lots of really good advice. I decided to log on again today to do some research about "dog friendly" landscape design, as well as to do some research about some mushrooms that have been showing up in our yard. Well, after reading this one post about another woman with some rather shall we say odd looking, mushrooms, I am rather thankful that mine look the way that they do, just like normal mushrooms. Here is a photo of one of the mushrooms in her yard...this is a real mushroom, not kidding, called stinkhorn. They just pop up overnight...er..no pun intended.

The "Newbies"

I'm starting some photo editing and found a couple snapshots of the newest additions to the family....could they be any cuter??

Horton Discourages Vacations...

So everytime we go away, little Horton seems to cause some trouble. Although, this round isn't as bad as him nearly killing himself by overdosing on prescription meds, he did manage to get into enough trouble that a vet visit is in order. He was slightly broken out from his food allergies before we left, but nothing really major, so we went on about our business. Well, Horton REALLY likes Riley's (my mom's dog) food. And of course, Riley's food is made up of everything Horton is allergic to. Despite that, he snuck back there one day and decided to help himself. Thankfully, my mom caught him red handed (er...pawed) before he managed to swallow too much. But, being that he was already broken out, this caused an even bigger breakout. So, off to the vet we go to get a cortisone shot. Our dogs are costing us some big bucks this month. Big Abe will be going in for a very minor surgery to remove a growth on his eye next week. I am just praying that he doesn't have to wear a cone. We did that once, and it was not fun (although it did prove for some comical moments).

Anyway, so here in the "human world", I got back from Canada yesterday and Jesse followed behind today. A very fast trip, and I've come back with a souvenir ten pounds. Mmmm...but it sure was tasty. Anyway, maybe I will post a picture or two after we have unpacked, although I am not sure if I have very many snapshots.

An Amazing Man

This is Bobaloo. I met him when I went to Kona to do my DTS. He would give me a hug every time I went through the line in the kitchen and he'd tell me "God is so good". After my time in Kona wrapped up, we wrote letters and e-mailed each other, and once again, he always ended the letters with "God is so good." Saying that is one thing, but Bob is a person who really believes it. I can't even remember how many pounds of tumors he has had removed from his body, and just recently, I learned that when he went in to have another one removed, they found cancer. It's all over him, especially in his lungs, and they believe it's too advanced to treat. I'm told in a few weeks, he will be gone. It's bittersweet news. He has had so much pain from all these tumors in his life, and other problems with his ankles as well, yet of all the people I have ever met in my life, he is the happiest. I honestly don't know of anyone with more joy than him, or more faith. In Kona, I remember when I was talking with him, my mind would often be not on the conversation, but rather I'd be staring at him in awe, wondering how in the world he managed to be so happy and believe so strongly that "God is good." So many times, I wished that I believed as strongly as he did, and that I could figure out how to have as much joy as he does. I still don't have a clue, but today I gave Bobaloo call. This is the first time we have actually spoken since I left Kona. It has always been e-mails or letters. Anyway, leave it to him. I asked "So, how are you doing?" And his immediate reply was "Good!" He hasn't changed a bit. I asked if he was in pain and he said he hurts a lot, but he still laughed just like he always used to when I told him that I was looking at a photo of him. We only talked for a couple minutes, and much of it was simply silence, but I'm glad I called.

When I was 19, my friend, Mike, died of cancer. I'm sad to say that I never visited him while he was sick, and I never called him. I wrote him a letter or two, but that was it. Mostly, I stayed away. I think that I just didn't believe he would die. We were so young, and picturing him so sick just didn't fit in my mind. I just knew he would get better and we'd see each other again and everything would go back to normal, but it never did. He passed just days before his 21st birthday. I'm sure he knew I cared, but looking back, it saddens me that I never faced it - faced him. And if I could do it over again, I would go visit and sit beside his bed, even if we couldn't talk, and even if all I did was cry next to him or sit awkwardly in silence. I'm sad that I will never get another chance with Mike. After experiencing that, I promised myself that I would never again stay away, that I would never be afraid to touch someone, and that I would never be afraid to reach out, even if my reach is shaky, akward, and small .

Spread the News!

I was so happy to read this article about a dog saving a girl's life from a fire, especially because it was a Pit Bull!! I have felt so bad for that breed lately getting so much bad press, and a lot of cities are killing them or forcing owners to get rid of them. It's really sad. I think most attacks aren't so much the dog's fault (although there are some cases perhaps), but more the owner's fault. You can't chain up a dog, especially dogs as big as Pit Bulls and expect them to be happy and tame animals. Anyway, I am very pleased over this Pit Bull...way to represent!

Tonight

I am eating soup with tortilla chips right now. I love how they get soggy. Jesse is out with N. I stayed behind tonight....although I am jealous because right now, they are sitting in the 2 dollar theater watching "Cars". I have a ton of school deadlines approaching shortly and a trip to Canada approaching shortly (can't wait to see my two "new nieces" and how big all the rest of the kids are now!). I don't want to have to spend much (if any) of my time there working on school, so I am trying to get all of my final papers written before we go. It's creating some crunch time now, but hopefully it will pay off when I am eating turkey and incredibly fattening desserts on Canadian Thanksgiving. I wasn't too concerned about it until finding out this week that I would need to go into work after I get back. It's technically my day off when I get back, but it's also the end of pay period, and the books need to be done, so off I go! It's not really a big deal, but my finals are also that week, so I'm nervous about getting all the papers done, studying, tests, work, and a trip to the great north. I'm sure I'm being overly anxious and anal as I usually am, yet I find such a great relief in "getting things done". After Jesse left to pick up N, I got one of my final papers done, so that is happy. After my soup, it will be back to the books.

Not much big news happening for now. I decided to redo (well, sort of) the bedroom. It was never really "done", so I guess I can't exactly "redo" it. But, I'm going with a new color scheme and some new ideas for the wall than what were originally planned, so I guess it's sort of a "redo" in my head at least. Maybe I will post some photos when we are done. Oh, and I am actually going to a salon tomorrow and paying to have my hair cut. This is like an annual event with me. Otherwise, I con either my mom or Jesse into cutting it. Just seems like there are so many other things I'd rather buy than a hair cut....although, this mentality is probably why I will never be asked to be a hair model.

Alright, well it's time for me to get into the sociology mode and start thinking about gender roles and "sticking it to the man"!

Pouty Pants

Jesse has been getting held over at work a lot lately due to some stupid union rules and other stinky stuff. Last night, he was scheduled to get off at 7:30 and didn't get to leave until after 11. The "boys" and I have been missing him with these later nights. Although Horton and I can handle our emotions pretty well, Abe gets moody.

Forgiveness

I wrote this draft a few days ago and forgot about it....so here it is fully "published" now!

What exactly is forgiveness and how do you know when you have really forgiven? When Jesse and I talk about our time in Texas, this topic inevitably comes up. It's taken us both a couple years to even be able to talk about our time there without feeling extremely tense while speaking, as well as a few hours (or even days) after speaking. While the emotions aren't quite as strong now, I still remember it with a deep, deep sense of sadness. I don't think either of us have really ever told anyone the entire story of what all happened there, nor do all of the details probably even matter. Some of it was self-imposed, and still much of it wasn't. Perhaps it's because of the strong emotion that I struggle to know whether or not I have actually forgiven. I still feel angry when I think of certain events and hurt when I think of certain people. Can I, have I, forgiven in spite of that? And how I can be sure? It's one thing to say it, but if confronted with certain people again, I would be at a loss for words, and would honestly have a hard time speaking with them about anything other than the past. I'm not "over it", but does that say anything about forgiveness? Maybe it's just that I felt there was no sense of closure. I was down, really down as we were leaving, and our last conversation with someone from there was one in which we were told that we were "flawed personalities". I felt they might as well have been kicking an already dead man or pouring salt onto a leper's wounds. I had a dumbfounded look of disbelief on my face when the comment was made, and I find the same expression in my heart today. It's like we left in the middle of that conversation, and have never come out of it. But, there's probably not much chance for picking it up now, and even so, what would be the point? To hurt them back? I don't want to do that. It would really be pointless. So I go on, feeling like it's an open wound that will probably never fully close. Is that okay? Life isn't convenient enough to offer closure to everything. People say there is freedom in forgiveness, and there is, but forgiveness doesn't change the past, or any hurt that is felt. So how do you know when you really have it? I suppose it's a conscious choice, but a choice of what? To not take revenge? To not be justified? To absorb the pain without fighting back? What if in my heart, I want to be justified? Does that mean I have yet to fully forgive? It's harder too, when it's with other Christians. You know, with other people who hurt you, there are so many excuses - "They don't know better." "God will bring justice in the end." A million and one cliches to ease the pain. But, in this case, there are no cliches to comfort my sorrow. And I wonder sometimes, do they ever think about me? It's for certain they made a lasting impression on my life, whether for better or worse, and I do think of them.

N the Little

Last night was our first real night with our Little since the initial meeting. I debate about whether or not to post his name. I don't think it would matter, but just being in the program and all, I don't know if there are certain rules or what. Anyway, so I'll call him N, by his first initial for now. We'll probably be taking him most Thursday evenings from here on out for 4 hours or so. I can officially say that kid wore me out! But I think it was in a good way. Working on a 3d puzzle, eating pizza and Dibs icecream, followed by sprinting around the neighborhood with our dogs, (while trying to keep the pizza and Dibs down), working on the puzzle some more, playing outside with the dogs, playing Hide-N-Seek (yes, in our 700 square foot home), playing 20 questions....oh my goodness it was jam packed. (Well, for Jesse and I at least.) It's funny, I forget how kids view "adults". To most adults, Jesse and I are young, but not to N! We have a photo of us on the fridge that we took about 2 or 3 years ago. N sees it and says "Oh, is that like you guys when you were in your 20's or something?" Were? I'm not even half way in yet! Guess we must be pretty old in his mind! Anyway, despite the exhaustion and near puking up of the pizza and ice cream, I think it was a really good night. After hearing our case worker make the comment that some boys don't want a Big Couple because that would mean they have to hang out with a girl, I have been really worried about what I can offer a 9 year old boy. Last night helped ease some fears though. N told Jesse "I wanted a Big Couple and that's what I got!". His brother apparently wanted one too, "but he only got a Big Brother". N suggested that maybe one night he should hang out with Jesse and another night he should hang out with me, so he can "get to know us seperately", he said. I think he just likes knowing that he has the attention of 2 people instead of one!! That really eased my fears and assured me that I wasn't the lame part of this deal after all. It may still take me a bit to feel fully confident in this, but I am getting there.

Victoria

This March will be Jesse and my's 5th anniversary. Now, I know 5 years in the big scheme of things isn't really that long of time to be married, but I can't believe it's already been 5 whole years! In honor of our big 5, we've been talking about how we will celebrate. It's funny, because I remember when we were very first married living in Tennessee. A couple in our small group was having their anniversary. We excitedly asked "Oh, are you going to do anything special?" to which they replied, "Nah, we'll probably have Dairy Queen Blizzards". We smiled to their face, but mocked them in private, saying we would never be that lame and would always do something special. (I know, we're such snots.) Well, our 1st anniversay rolled around in Texas, and we had just gotten back from leading the team to Nicaragua. Not only were we just tired from the two months previous, but we were also so busy wrapping things up with the training program, filling out student evaluations, and making airport schedules. We said "We'll celebrate later". Well, later never really came. I find that later never does, no matter what it pertains to. Our next few anniversaries certainly served us right for being so cocky and judging the couple in Tennesse, because money was always "too tight" to buy each other presents, or we'd both be working and we'd once again say "later". We had become the dreaded Dairy Queen couple! Gasp! This year, we decided it's time to break the cycle! We have been looking into a 3 or 4 day vacation to Victoria sometime in March. I am very excited about seeing B.C. I think it will be a very good "walking around and looking" vacation. They apparently have a very early spring, so there should be lots in bloom. Plus, bike rentals or kayak rentals for a day maybe...China town...the ferry ride to get there...the harbor...good stuff (or at least that's what I'm anticipating). Plus, Jesse gets a discount through United to a nice hotel right on the harbor, and we all know I do love a good deal.

We had our first "real vacation" together last December and it was a very fun time. I don't think I ever posted any pictures, so in anticipation of Victoria, here's a look back at Florida! (The photos aren't that good because I took a photo of a photo...don't have the original digital file.)

Our Little

Last night we met our "Little". He's 9 (going on 10 in just a few weeks). We went to his house, where we met his mom and our caseworker. Then we filled out agency rules/regulations, all that jazz. And lastly, we got to take him out for a quick 45 minutes. It went by very fast. We went to Winstead's, had sundaes, and asked him lots of questions about stuff he likes. His older brother was also meeting his Big for the first time, so they were there too. When we first got there, one of the boys mentioned Star Wars, and both boys got all excited about Star Wars and this video game. The other Big that was there also knew all about it so they were all talking excitedly. Jesse and I know nothing about Star Wars (nor do we really even like it) or video games. As this conversation is happening, I was just thinking Oh crap. What have we done? We don't know anything that 9 year old boys like. What if we are totally lame to this kid? What are we going to have in common?... and slightly freaking out. One of our biggest fears about the whole thing was finding a kid who would at least be into some stuff that we are, and would actually like us. Most profiles are for kids who like sports, video games, tv...none of which Jesse and I really do, so we were worried about this. Anyway, so it started off a bit overwhelming for us (well, me at least - Jesse can speak for himself). All in all though, I think it's going to be really good. I realized that just because I can't hold my own in a debate about which light saber or fighting technique to use in Whatever Wars Two Something Game, doesn't mean that this kid can't totally have a blast with us, and that we can't influence his life for the better. I realized that he gets his fair share of Star Wars and video games at home, so we can offer experiences that he would otherwise never have - taking him ice skating (which he said he really wants to do..yay!), playing with clay, teaching him how to use power tools (gentle ones at first, of course), showing him how to change the oil in a car, stuff like that, which he is highly unlikely to be exposed to at home. I do struggle a bit with where my place is in it though. We chose to be a Big Couple instead of each having our own Little, which meant that we would have a little boy. So, Jesse's place is clear, in that he has a chance to become this child's male role model, being that he doesn't have a Dad around. For me, I'm still figuring out my place. It may have something to do with marriage in general. Recently, through some of my classes, I have realized that I fight a spiritual battle simply by being and maintaining a happy and healthy marriage. There are few in the world compared to lousy ones, broken ones, or divorced ones. Simply showing the world, (especially a child who has seen everything but), that marriage can work must surely count for something. And I know that I don't even necessarily need to have some grand purpose or do some amazing thing in this kid's life, but still, even in my daily life, I find myself constantly searching for a reason and purpose, and feeling lost and sad without one. I know I can't save the whole world, but surely in my little corner of it, I can make things look a bit brighter. Maybe I am still figuring out how to do that - and especially now, in context of this new relationship.

Stop the Traffik

This is Justice For Children International's Abolitionist logo. I'm on their list of "Abolitionists", and as such, I get monthly e-mails with news regarding issues of human traffiking, as well as ideas for ways that I can take action each month. This month, JFCI is asking Abolitionists to sign the Stop the Traffik Declaration. It's a petition that will be delivered to the UN and different governments after Freedom Day on March 25, 2007, and is obviously set up to put pressure on the UN and governments to take more action to stop human traffiking. If you'd like to join in, it's as simple as clicking here and adding your name to the list. I trust that this is legite, as Jesse and I know the founder of JFCI and totally trust him and the organization.

The Barfing Has Begun

So for all those interested in our dog's diet....which I'm guessing is probably one to none....we finally took the plunge and started Horton and Abe on the BARF diet yesterday. Horton is quite happy about it. I've never seen him eat so fast and happily, and then try to steal Abe's food too. The pic below is of him sniffing all around the floor and trying to find some more goodness. This morning when I grabbed his bowl to feed them breakfast, he stared intently at me licking his chops and wagging his tail. Abe is a little more catious. We've been giving them chicken, with cottage cheese and green beans mixed up. Oddly enough, Abe likes the cottage cheese and green beans better than the meat. The picture of him is his first try at the chicken, which of course, he chose to pull out of his bowl and onto the kitchen floor. Needless to say, the Lysol has been close at hand lately. We are really hoping that this diet will help stop Horton's allergy breakouts. We've heard it's supposed to be great for dogs with allergies and skin problems in general, but I'm slow to fully believe the miracle stories we've heard until we see how our dogs do on it.

The other picture (Sorry it's not very good - I had just showered and was in my pj's, so it's looking through our front window.) is of our new tree and freshly seeded lawn. Yesterday we worked most of the afternoon planting the tree, laying down seed and straw, and watering. The tree is an Autum Blaze Maple. It's supposed to be fast growing and strong. Let's hope that is true. We would really like some shade on the house. The only thing I'm not too sure about is the other plants in the yard. After this tree starts getting big, I will have to transplant a lot of the other stuff, because most of the plants up there are supposed to have full sun. I don't really know what I'm doing, but it's fun digging up stuff and planting, so for now, it's working quite well.

The other happy thing is that we are officially matched with our Little. We get to meet him and his mom Thursday evening. It's working out really well because he also has a brother who was in the system, but didn't have a match either. Jesse and I felt bad that one would get matched and not the other, but it turns out that someone just picked his brother's profile last week, and he is also getting a Big. His brother and his brother's Big are also going to be meeting for the first time on Thursday. We're very happy about that, for obvious reasons, but especially because the profile mentioned that the sibling rivalry is quite intense between the two.

Bigs and Littles

So after Jesse got accepted to BBBS, we were pretty excited and thinking we would get to see some profiles within a week or so. Not so much. We hadn't heard anything for about a month, so I e-mailed our case manager guy to inquire. I know that our "interests" are probably harder to match than some other people's, being that most little boys are really into watching sport and stuff, and we aren't, but there are apparently a few hundred kids on the waiting list, so I figured surely at least one kid would have some of the same interests as us! Anyway, so I e-mailed and just asked if there were any potentials coming up...lo and behold, a couple days later, we have 2 profiles that were done way back when. I think maybe we had been forgotten. Anyway, so we picked one, but there may be a slight schedule conflict, so we aren't sure if it will work out or not. Unfortunately, with Jesse's new schedule there are only two nights a week that we could meet with a Little - both weekdays. The profile we picked said he was mainly open on weekends, but it was done back in February, so we're hoping his schedule has changed since then. Our case manager was going to call his mom to check on the scheduling, and then if he's open, will give the mom and the Little our profile. Then they decide if they accept us or not and we go from there. We should (at least I'm assuming) know this coming week. I think it will be a lot of fun if things work out.

In the meantime, I will be on a mission to revive our front lawn. The neighborhood goes a little like this....green, green, green, green, BROWN, green, green, green... The brown would be us. Jesse was chatting with a neighbor the other day and he pointed to our lawn and mentioned "It gets that way every summer since such and such company came to spray it." I don't know if they overfertilized and burned up the roots or what. It at least made me feel better that we didn't just kill the lawn all on our own this summer. It apparently revives in the fall some, but we plan to give it a good power rake and then reseed to see if we can keep it through the summer next year.

News

Jesse has been putting me to shame with his photo a day stuff, so I figured it's about time for me to blog as well. I started the new job this week. I only work M-W, so I will have the end of the week to focus on my school work and get all of that done in time. I think it's going to work out well for scheduling. The other day when I got home from work, Jesse had the tent set up. It looked cozy in there, so I grabbed a pillow and crawled in. Shortly thereafter, I heard some heavy breathing. Big Abe was peering into the tent and wanted to come join me. He even shared my pillow.

Stuff

Well, I officially start a new job on Monday. Office work at a furniture store. This semester has started off a lot smoother than last, so hopefully I'll be able to transition back to work without any major stress. I'm anticipating the start of Jesse's new full time schedule and looking forward to the switch so that he can have a full night's sleep instead of 3 hours here, and 4 hours there...not to mention less of these random 14 or 15 hour work days. Hopefully this fall we will finally get into a rhythm!

Otherwise, I've been reading up on different trees and bushes. We are hoping to get some things planted in the yard this fall and next spring to help shade the house and give some sun relief to our brown grass. I am sure Horton and Abe will enjoy having new things to pee on! Speaking of which, I'm also looking at pavers or mulch to put in the areas that they have officially designated as their "bathroom". I found these concrete molds that appear like cobblestone, which I'm pretty interested in. It would be a lot more work than just buying pre-made pavers, but it would save some money and could be fun project. We'll see. Also on the list is redoing the bathroom and kitchen...pending the finances...so basically, not anytime soon!

I get more excited to finish my degree every day, partially because that means we won't be taking out any more student loans! I know I still have a while, but it's nice to think about anyway. I've been researching grad programs and trying to narrow down what I want to focus on. Funny, seems like "psychology" is a focus in and of itself, but within that, there's clinical psychology, social psychology, school psychology, psychology with an emphasis in research, blah blah blah. Right now, I am particularly interested in school psychology. Basically, I'd be a psychologist who also studied the education system. I think I've narrowed it down that I want to focus on kids, but I don't want to set up my own practice or necessarily work in a clinical setting. Ideally (at least right now that is), I'd like to work in an elementary school or team up with organizations like JFCI who do after care for the kids that they have helped rescue from brothels. The pitfall there is that often, after care is preferably done by someone of the same nationality and culture. On the other hand, while the education system doesn't particularly interest me, the big advantage of school psychology would be that I would have access to all kids, not just ones who are in therapy or have been "labeled" with a disorder. The downfalls of this, or at least what I worry about if I happen to go this route, is that it is very specialized, which would kind of limit job opportunities. Not every school district has the funding to staff a school psychologist, and I'm quite afraid that if the specific "school psychologist" position is not open, that I would be disqualified for other positions in the district due to being "over-educated" (which, by the way, who even thought up that concept!? How is that possible!?). I have just been hearing from some people that getting a PhD comes with it's drawbacks in that many employers believe you are "over-qualified", and thus won't hire you, even if you want the job. (How can anyone ever be overqualified? You would think that would be a good thing.) Whatever the case, maybe I will end up finding a master's program I like better, or who knows, maybe I will find a job that I enjoy with just a bachelors. Also speaking of this, there is so much stinking jargon in the college education system it's ridiculous! I didn't know what half these acronyms and terms meant until I started back to school. Grad School, BS, BA, MBA....blah blah blah blah...where did these terms come from anyway? Bachelor of whatever...sound like we're all single men.

Life

Do you ever have moments where you realize you are an adult? I mean, at what age are you actually a "grown up"? The other day, I had one of those light bulb moments where I caught a glimpse of something profound, only to have it disappear faster than it came, and I could not place into words exactly what I had just discovered. It had something to do with life and aging, and realizing that my life is actually happening, right now. Maybe most days I keep waiting for it to happen, thinking it hasn't quite begun yet. I guess I feel like I am still flipping around figuring out life. But, I'm in the middle of making my career (studying/preparing for it, that is). I am a homeowner. I'm on my second house in fact. I'm married. I have two dogs and I am old enough to raise children. Those are adult things - very adult things. And here I am doing them (well, most of them - no I'm not pregnant). It's like I must be an imposter. The real me surely isn't prepared for those types of responsibilities, I think. Yet, this person (me) is living life and doing all those thing, which must mean, my life is happening.

This probably isn't making any sense at all, but trust me...it's deep and profound...lol!

Time Flies

Well, tomorrow I start another semester and this break between classes has flown! I thought I would post a quick update before things get busy again. The book review may be on permanent hiatus. It depends how busy this semester ends up being. We didn't take the cleaning job. We actually didn't even go to the interview. The day that it was scheduled for, Jesse found out that there is a good chance he may be able to go full time at United. We won't know for sure until this coming week, but figured it was worth risking the cleaning job to hold out in hopes that the full time thing there works out. Hopefully we will know this coming week for sure. Anyway, that means, I am back looking for something else part time. What else...oh, Horton had his yearly vet appointment and we are happy to report that he is very healthy (well, besides his crazy food allergies). We are highly considering changing to the BARF diet. It stands for "biologically appropriate raw food". Basically, the idea behind it is that dogs were not meant to eat kibble, which contains high amounts of grain, but rather, they were created to eat raw meat and things like that. So, you basically buy chicken carcasses and things like that, and feed that to them, with the occasional smushed up veggies and cottage cheese and such all blended up together (apparently, it simulates eating whatever is inside the stomach of the dog's prey). Gross, I know. But, when you think about wolves and doggie ancestors, it actually makes a lot of sense. We've heard that it can really help dogs with allergies, as well as other ailments. It just may be worth a shot. If it goes terribly, there will always be more kibble in the world to fall back on, eh!? Anyway, that is about all the excitement going on down here. Jealous, aren't you?

Not So Far Away

When you hear human trafficking, you normally think "Thailand", "Cambodia", or other Asian countries, but you certainly don't think "America". Think again - check out this link.

Eye Candy

Thought it was about time for something a little more visual in the midst of my long rantings of gender roles and book reviews!



Jesse got some more new camera toys (courtesy of some very generous friends). This photo, believe it or not, was taken in broad daylight. Jesse had me "assisting" him while he played with his new toys.

Chapter Four

I looked at the calendar today and realized that my classes start on Monday again. Wow, it's flown by. In any case, I figured I better post another chapter. Once school starts back up again, I don't know how much time I will have to blog. Hopefully more this semester than last. I also may be starting a job soon. With Jesse too actually. We interviewed at least a month ago to clean office buildings a couple nights a week. They take "teams" or "partners", so we figured it would be something we could together to help with the bills, but still see each other. Me trying to find a job that fits with Jesse's odd schedule is nearly impossible and when we were working opposite hours, it really drained us, so hopefully this will be a good solution. We have to go in later this week to discuss the details and decide whether or not we want to accept. I think as long as the pay isn't completely terrible, we will accept. I really have no idea how much cleaning jobs pay, and minimum wage down here is a joke right now at 5.15 an hour. We'll see! Anyway, this is a good lead in to chapter four....."How His Need to Provide Weighs Your Man Down, and Why He Likes it That Way".

I think this sentence sums up the chapter well - For a man, bringing home a paycheck is love talk, pure and simple. He has something to prove ("I can take care of you, I am worthy of you") and he wants to deliver. The chapter also points out that providing is a key area where men are constantly aware of the risk of failure. One guy that the author interviewed, whose business is in trouble said "Every day, with every step I take, I feel like my skin is being flayed off." That is a pretty extreme feeling, and seems making money isn't really the issue - it's more of an issue of how not making money affects men. Seems that for men, to be a good husband, a good father, a good man, is to provide. Quite clearly, if a job loss occurs or a business starts struggling, it's not really the money that hurts, but the man's sense of worth.

I won't argue with that point, but I do ask "why?" Did God actually create men with this internal drive to provide, or is this something that our society has created that leads us into unhealthy views? For example, women are now in the workforce more than they used to be, and many are out-earning their husbands. As such, some families are making the decision for the woman to be the breadwinner and the man to be a stay at home Dad. Many people believe this is wrong. But, if the family is really happy that way and it works for them, why is it wrong? Is it just because it's different, so people gasp at it? Does the Bible lay clear lines that a man must be the one to provide or did society? I don't know. I haven't really looked or done Biblical research on the topic. I do know though, that the old go to for women, the "Proverbs 31 woman", is really a description of a business woman. A large portion of the verses are devoted to describing her work, not her home life. I also think that people used to think the world was flat, and people used to drill into skulls of the mentally ill, believing it would release evil spirits, and beyond that, people have done a whole slew of things "in the name of God", which we now look back at, and gasp. But for their time and society, it was the "godly way". I am sure we are likewise, unfortunately, capable of sending message and doing things that are wrong in the name of God. I'm not saying I think gender roles are wrong, but I am questioning if they are truly from God, or something we just made up. Is is really of God for men to feel such pressure to provide and such a great sense of loss and agony if they cannot? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know.

One last thing on this topic...I will be vague with this so as not to give away specifically who I am talking about, but there is a family that Jesse and I used to be very close to and still are in a sense. The husband worked incredibly long hours, and was often away on business. He was nuts about his family, talked about them often, and would mention to Jesse and I, things such as "All this work, all these trips, I'm doing it for them." For him, providing for his family meant "I love you". Interesting though, because when we'd chat with his wife, her comments were more along the lines of "He's just a paycheck. We never see each other. It's no wonder we aren't divorced." Seeing both sides was/is terribly tragic. This man is in love with his wife, crazy about her, yet his expression of love is not really meeting any of her needs, except the physical ones of having a roof over her head, food on her table. Relationships almost seem to be not about how much you actually care for the other person, but about how well you can communicate that you care.

Thieves on the Move

Those darn squirrels are at it again. They've sucked my garden dry - literally, there are no tomatoes left. I got one total this summer. There were at least 20 on the vines. After Jesse got that photo of the squirrel in action, the following week, I saw 4 incidences of robbery in action where the squirrels were running off with my tomatoes. Well, now that they have exhausted that resource, they are on the move again. This morning, I looked out the kitchen window because Abe was barking up a storm. What do my eyes behold, but a tiny little squirrel running from the neighbor's apple tree, up a pole, and jumping into a tree, all the while clutching a precious little apple. I would warn the neighbors, but it's the ones that don't talk to us. No doubt their tree will be appleless within two weeks if these pesky little guys keep at it! Next year, the tomato plants will be in containers on my deck so that Horton and Abe can be the official tomato plant bouncers.

Chapter Three

The author sums it all up at the beginning of the chapter - Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. This chapter really didn't seem like any news flash. Of course men are insecure, as are most people in general. I don't think it's really a gender split as if this is just a male issue. I guess maybe guys are less likely to admit their insecurities, while women will often freely talk about them among each other.

One good point that I do think the author makes though, is how deeply men want affirmation, and often, if they feel like a failure at home, they'll spend longer hours elsewhere, where they feel more confident - whether that's at work, or playing a sport with some friends. The point behind that is that if we want more involved fathers and husbands, then we should be people who build them up. Fair enough, right?

There is a paragraph or two in this chapter that I struggle with. Here's one:

During my clinical research for "The Lights of Tenth Street", several experts told me that a chronic lack of affection is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek - and find! - affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, "All those women in the men's magazines convey one message 'I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.' My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but looking at the woman in the picture makes me feel like a man."

If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him?

Stop right there...that last sentence is the one that I wrestle with. "Why should a man have to...?" Pardon my nit-picking ways, but excuse me? No man HAS TO. It is a choice. I get upset because girls grow up hearing this stuff, just small one-liners here and there, especially as they approach the teen years, and men, to me, get excused for acting in a manner that completely and totally disrespects and degrades women, as well as themselves. As if pornography is a woman-created sin, because wives are not being supportive enough. Give me a break. It's like we're living the days of Pandora's box. I really believe that this line of thinking supports not just pornography addictions, but rapes and spousal abuse as well. They are totally linked. Think about why so many rapes go unreported - the man sits there and tells the woman "It's your fault. You were just asking for it by the way you were acting...." At it's core, the message we are sending is "if she doesn't treat you how you want to be treated, then it's okay to do whatever it takes to make you feel like a man." I understand that affairs and pornography and whatever else may be more tempting when things are not right between a husband and wife, but even so, I think we've got to change the message we are sending both men and women about pornography and sex in general.

That was a bit of a side note...back to chapter three! Basically, all nit-picking aside, the positive message that this chapter sends is that unconditional love, support, and acceptance in the form of both private and public praise will do wonders to build a man's self-esteem and give him the courage to chase after his goals in the home and outside of the home. Again though, I feel like that's not just a male thing, but a human thing.

Chapter One/Two

Chapter one is mainly background about the book and a general overview, so I'm not going to review it.

Chapter two, however, is in my opinion, one of the highlight chapters of the book. The basic message: Men need to be and feel respected. After reading the chapter, and talking with Jesse, I was floored at what some of my comments mean to him, and how they disrespect him. Jesse and I used to joke about this guy who gave us the advice to play "drive through". Basically, you say something, then you ask the spouse to say what they just heard. Kind of like giving your order at McDonald's. The speaker is a bit fuzzy and sometimes, you aren't quite sure if you are going to get the fries that you ordered, or if you're going to end up with a McFish Sandwich that makes you want to puke. For as corny as it sounds, it's actually a good thing if implemented. Anyway, so it's one thing to hear that men need respect, but in my case, this chapter made me see practical things that I didn't realize were disresepecting Jesse. For example, when I say something like "Oh we still need to fix that light on the backporch", in my mind I mean just that. We still need to fix the light, and verbalizing it is like a mental reminder to myself that it needs to be done. The end. Nothing more. Well, apparently, after discussing with Jesse, when I say things like that, he hears (as most men apparently do) something more like "I think you are incomptent and incapeable of fixing that light. Why haven't you done that yet?" Talk about a revelation and bad case of "broken speakers" on both ends! (Oh wow, I forget just how cheesy that analogy really is.) In any case, this chapter was really useful because I'd read examples like that in the book and think What? Why/How would a guy ever hear that? She just means that the project needs to get done still or that a licensed plumber may be more apt at solving that leaky toilet problem. That's it. How is that disrespectful? So, out of curiousity, I of course, turn to Jesse and say "Is this stuff true that it makes you feel disrespected? How?" and we get into a discussion in which I realize that while I don't mean anything by it, to a man, it's like I'm doubting all his abilities and calling him a stupid failure. Now being aware of this, I'm very conscious of how I word things about house projects or wanting to ask where the electrical tape is in Home Depot instead of walking down every aisle searching for it. My suggestion to just ask an employee, to a guy, apparently means "I don't think you can find it. We better ask someone who REALLY knows what they are talking about."

So, in short, this chapter is excellent for learning to communicate better and does a great job at pointing out day to day, small things, that go misunderstood, and in time, can add up to a lot of hurt. When you show a man that you believe he can do a project on his own, with no reminders, and no pointers, it makes him feel loved, respected, and all puffed up (in a good way).

The "N" Book Club

Forget Oprah, man...I am ready for my own book reviews!

Alright, in light of the last post, I have decided to do a book review. My mom mentioned to me a few weeks back that I should check out this book called For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. I looked into it, and turns out, there is also a book called For Men Only by the same author and her husband, Jeff. The idea behind both books is to explore how men and women think (as the subtitle on For Women Only declares, "what you need to know about the inner lives of men"). The authors are Christian, and as I sifted through online reviews, the book seemed highly regarded in the Christian circle. The "results" that are reported in each book come from a survey done of random men and women, which asks questions about how they think, what they would do in certain scenarios, etc. The idea behind the books is to help the genders understand each other, and strengthen marriages (or at least I assumed this much). I got online to reserve it at my library, and turns out, all 10 or 15 copies were already checked out, and many were reserved. Same with the For Men Only book. Anyway, finally, it was my turn to check out For Women Only. I am still on the waiting list for the partner For Men Only book.

In any case, I found For Women Only to be both helpful and disgusting at the same time. If nothing else, I can say this is one book that made me laugh out loud, cry, get angry, and think. Some chapters I found to be profound and helpful and others made me want to vomit and burn the book. Jesse and I had many really good discussions about the chapters as well. So, we'll go chapter by chapter here over my next few posts. If nothing else, I think this will be a good way for me to work through my thoughts on feminism and gender roles. That is actually the entire reason I decided to review the book on my blog. An outlet for myself and an easy way to organize my thoughts since I could just address each chapter individually. In any case, for anyone who has read it, or decided to check it out, feel free to let me know what you think of both the book and my "review" of each chapter.

Gender Roles

I've been wanting to blog about this for a while, but it gets me so worked up, I have a hard time putting it all into words. And I really hate speaking when I don't yet have clear thoughts that are easily verbalized. But, none the less, I will try. Jesse and I have been having numerous discussions about this over the past month or so. Jesse has taken to calling me a feminist, and maybe he is right. I have to admit though, I will wear that title with pride. It all started in my sociology class discussing gender roles. I realized that women's rights are still yet to be fully won. It's proven that women with the same education and experience level make less money than men. It's proven that prospective employers discriminate women and often ask leading questions about family life to see where their priorities lie. Nevermind that a father also has a family, because he is a man, it is expected that family won't be an issue. And those are just the tip of the iceberg. Now to be straight here, I'm not burning my bras or hating men. But, seriously, gender inequality is still a very valid issue. And now that I am aware of it, it's like my eyes are opened and I see it everywhere. One thing that has always bothered me, even since I was a teenager, yet I could never figure out exactly why (until now) is how Christian circles address sexuality and lust. The message is sent to young women that to be a "good Christian" and "to help the guys", you should dress modestly. That message always really bothered me, and now it really makes me so angry I could probably bulldoze over any youth pastor or guidance counselor that I hear giving that type of crap advice. (In my oh so gentle and humble little opinion.) It's as if it's the girls fault when a guy lusts. I think that is a load of crap. And I think by feeding that message to young minds, we only encourage men down the path of sexual struggle and rob women of their own self respect. Yes, it surely must be harder for a guy to be "pure" when he's starting at big boobs hanging out of a tight shirt. However, ultimately, it's his mind, and his choice to go there. Women should be taught to dress modestly for their own self respect. I don't walk around with cleavage hanging out, because I respect myself and I think that I have a lot more to offer the world than a set of hooters. Most women I know with self confidence dress modestly, and most without, let it all hang out. We need to approach the issue of modesty with the woman in mind, not the man. Teach our young girls to love and respect themselves regardless of how a man treats them, and I guarantee, there would be less hooter honking hang out in this world. Beyond that, I think we just set men up to stumble. From a young age, in the Christian realm a man is taught "You will struggle with this. You will be tempted with this." And then, we excuse it away as "God just created men to be visual. Women need to dress pure." Ugh. That is a disgusting message in my opinion. I think we are robbing both men and women of the real beauty of how God created the genders by sending these types of messages. I am going to have to stop blogging now. I have too much to say about this, and I still don't know how to clearly address it, because I feel there is so much that this topic encompasses. And I hate that I am even blogging now because my thoughts are not collected, and I want my words to have meaning - mostly when I am speaking on issues that I feel strongly about, not just be senseless blabber - which is what I feel I am doing now. Okay, maybe in a month or so I will have collected my thoughts better and I'll be back!! Until then, you can bet I will be chewing on this issue more.

Homosexuals

Why is there a separate "gay and lesbian" section in Blockbuster? Isn't that, in a weird twisted way, just increasing discrimination?

Confessions

The other day Jesse and I were talking about the things that we did to "impress" each other when we were dating. It led into a pretty funny conversation about the things that people will do "for love". My confession (which Jesse has known for quite some time) is that I studied Candian geography, politics, and history when we were dating and then I casually worked my facts into conversation as if I just happened to know this stuff. (I didn't want to add any fuel to Jesse's "Most Americans are ignorant" fire, ya know?) Of course, now I don't really remember any of what I studied, except for this - the Candian national anthem became official in 1981. Not too sure why that one stuck.

Red Handed Bleeping Thief

I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was stressed out over school and was just remembering things wrong. A week or so ago, I noticed that one tomato in particular was about ready to be picked. I left it on the vine and when I went back out the next day to pick it, I couldn't find it. In fact, all of my plants looked like they had less fruit on them. But surely not. I figured I just must be remembering wrong about how many were there the day before. Yesterday I went out to check on it, and saw a pepper and a tomato on the ground, with one bite out of them. Rabbits I wondered or squirrels? Both are highly populated in our neighborhood. Anyway, I didn't worry about it too terribly much because I figured they must have taken a bite and not liked it, since there was just one place with teeth marks, and the fruit was left behind. Then tonight I went to check on the garden and it's starting to become a depressing place for me. I have gotten to pick one of each plant that I planted, which means one bell pepper, which we all know was quite sad looking, one tomato, which was quite small, and one jalapeno, which was also small. So anyway, this afternoon I was bumming out in my garden wondering if ever I will get to pick the fruit, and thinking "Gosh, I'm either going crazy, or it still looks like there are less tomatoes out here than even a couple days ago..." Whatever, on with my day. Eventually, the dogs want to go out, so I open the backdoor and what to my wondering eyes would appear, but a squirrel running from my garden into the tree, and lo and behold what's in his hands?!?!?!? A pretty green tomato...sniff sniff..... Jesse got hard proof.

That's right, Mr. Squirrel, you better run.

One Down, Two to Go

Okay, Sociology final is done and tomorrow I have my last two exams. I think I will be about fifty pounds lighter tomorrow evening. This semester has been cruel and I am eagerly anticipating it's end. (I think Jesse is too.)

On a happier note, Jesse finally got accepted into BBBS. There were all kinds of issues with getting his work reference and voicemail mix ups and things like that. So, now that it's all cleared up, that means we can finally start the matching process. I had nearly given up that we would ever even do it since the application process became so drawn out. Now that things actually seem like they are back on track though, I am excited to get going again.

Just Can't Win

Okay, so last night I weeded the garden and cut off some leaves of the tomato plants that I think had a fungus. It has been so hot and humid, I think one plant in particular got some funky junk. Anyway, after the pruning and the weeding, things were looking good. But those dang ants - I have had this ant problem for a couple weeks. I was researching all these ways to get rid of them, and trying my best to have mercy on them, but when I saw them crawling up one of my plants, it was go time. I chose the seemingly least cruel way to get rid of them - poison with Borax. (Although I admit I did still feel guilty sprinkling it down.) Anyway, now the ants aren't the problem, well, actually they still are, because I just sprinkled it down like fifteen minutes ago...but the utmost of problems right now is the Borax. Apparently, it kills plants!! I didn't know this! Why would people tell you to sprinkle it down to protect plants?! Apparently, you have to put it in a bowl or something, which I did not read until after I sprinkled it all over my garden! Ugh! And I even have a new pepper growing! I can't lose another bell pepper!! That brings us to the plant of action, namely " Jesse with the Shop Vac in the garden". I guess I have to put a bowl with the borax/sugar solution in there so that the ants can get it, but the ground doesn't get any. Well, at least I am learning some good lessons about gardening this year. I just really want to be able to eat something from my garden this year...please...anything.

Break Time

Alright, I had a full day of working on school yesterday while Jesse worked a double and have been working on it this morning as well. Now it's break time before I go insane. I have lots to do, but thankfully my finals are at the end of next week and this semester will be OVER. That will be a happy day. I plan to have another long day tomorrow and can hopefully get some things wrapped up. Mainly a big paper and getting organized for finals....like trying to understand stats....duuuhhhh....

We had a very good week full of Canadian candy and I am not even going to try to spell roll---you know the word. Horton had company at night and Abe sniffed each and every bag to be sure that Jesse's mom wasn't trying to import any illegal goods. I think she passed the test. Otherwise, it was blazing hot here. The kind of hot where the air is so thick you can hardly breath it. It was 100 or up nearly every day. Ugh. Thankfully, it rained two nights ago and it is much more comfortable now. It was even cool enough to take the dogs on an evening jog instead of walk.

Jesse and I are going to a wedding this afternoon, and for once, he's not the photographer!! I think this has only happened one other time. Abe is laying behind me barking in his sleep. It is too funny. He sleeps with his eyes open sometimes, like right now, and I can watch his eyeballs rolling around and his face and legs are twitching all over the place. He must be protecting his property no doubt! Oh, wait--the beast has awoken. He must have barked a little too loud and woke himself up. Man, dogs sleep an awful lot. I guess all of those belly rubs really wear on them. Must be tough.

In any case, I should get some lunch ready and then run out and find a wedding gift before we leave! Yikes!

Poor Little Bugs

So I was reading about different remedies for garden pests. My tomato plants have a few holes in the leaves and I think maybe ants are getting back there...not too sure. Anyway, so I started looking up home remedies and they read like medieval torture techniques. I wish I didn't know how they worked, because now I feel too bad to actually implement them. For example, one said to lightly sprinkle self-rising flour around and on a plant to get rid of worms that eat your plants. That's all I really needed to know. However, the enlightening article goes on to explain that the worms eat the flour and then explode. As the day heat comes on, the flour rises, and the poor little guys blow up! Now, I can't do that knowing that I'm blowing up worms. Not like it would even kill them fast and painlessly, but slowly rise and then bust. Who thought up this stuff?!?!! In any case, today is cleaning the office day so that Jesse's mom has some space while she's here. I have a feeling Horton is going to make himself very comfortable sleeping in here with her. He loves visitors, especially ones that give him attention. Not too sure what Abe will do, but we are excited that he gets to finally meet his "Abuela". I imagine he might think that the bed we lay down for her is for him. Abe doesn't normally hesitate to make himself comfy, especially if that involves getting in your way and laying down exactly where you hoping to lay something else down. Whatever the case, we will soon find out!

Observations on Marriage

I thought this was an interesting paragraph in my sociology book:

In premodern Europe marriage usually began as a property arrangement, was in its middle mostly about raising children, and only in the end was about love. Few couples in fact married "for love", but many grew to love each other in time as they jointly managed their household, reared their offspring, and shared life's experiences. Nearly all surviving epitaphs to spouses evince profound affection. By contrast, in most of the modern West, marriage begins being about love, in its middle is still mostly about raising children (if there are any children), and in the end is - often - about property, by which point love is absent or a distant memory.

One of the most unexpected things that I have realized since being married, is that a great part of the joy of marriage isn't a feeling of love, but rather, a sense of commitment. Through the commitment, comes a deep sense of connection, regardless of whether or not romantic feelings are or aren't there. I don't know why that surprised me. I guess because all you do hear about is love...weddings are about love...and love this love that. I mean, nothing against love, it's obviously a very great and powerful thing, yet love in the romantic sense that our society uses it in, is not at all what marriage is about. The feelings may come and go, and certainly add a sense of excitement to a relationship, yet it's no wonder that relationships based upon this kind of "love" don't last very long and so many people wind up hurt and disillusioned when "love" fails them.

Anyway, so here's to my husband, who pulled the stinger out of my butt in Nicaragua when that bee crawled into my underpants and who never lets me clean up my own puke - your commitment to me brings freedom and joy that a thousand roses could never match.

Miracle Pepper

The Lord has put an anointing upon our garden. Never before has such an amazing and bountiful harvest come forth from a single bell pepper plant. As a one time offer, TODAY ONLY, you can purchase the anointing for only 2 installments of $59.99. Yes, folks, this package comes complete with holy water and miracle soil. Act fast. All you who are weary, all who are burdened, place your hands upon the screen and touch the pepper. Feel the power. Feel the anointing. Then purchase via C.O.D. my miracle garden package.

Mission Monger: Accomplished

I just got off the phone with my cohort (aka Jesse). Let's just say my mom now has not just one, but two rather large fake trees. Jesse did the dirty work under the cover of darkness.

Calling All Bird Experts

Can birds be stunned? Like so they just stay still for a very long time? Last week, there were two dead birds in our yard. Very dead birds. I didn't think too much of it, I mean, it was sad, but it didn't look like the dogs had gotten them or anything like that, so I just figured natural death. Anyway, then just now I was out back with the dogs trying to transplant this vine thing. I notice Horton is sniffing something on the ground, which he normally doesn't do in this manner. So I went over, and it was a bird. And I guess it's dead. But, it has no anything that would indicate it's dead, besides the fact that it didn't move at all when two big dogs came to smell it, or when I picked it up to move it away. No holes as if shot, no broken wing or neck that I can tell, and it was just in the middle of the yard, not like it fell out of a tree or something. Maybe it was on the cable wire and then died and fell off of that, I don't know how else it would be in this spot in the yard. Anyway, it looked so perfectly intact though, that now I am worried...what if it was just stunned and not moving and I put it in the trash can and then it will revive itself and be stuck in this trash can? Is that ridiculous? Can birds be stunned that bad? It just looked like this perfectly healthy little bird, with no reason for death. Should I go check the trash can again? I know that seems silly and stupid, but the thought that I might kill a bird in by trapping it in a trashcan is very distrurbing. Do you think I might have poisonous berries or something on one of the trees or bushes? Surely not...the lady before us had a bird feeder that we just took down....revenge of the birds?? I don't know. Or maybe she put up the feeder so they would eat out of that and not the berries on the tree? We have two piney-needlisy looking trees, cedar-ish maybe...could this be killing the birds? I am going to go lift the lid off the trash can for my own sanity. Maybe the bird will revive. Maybe he just got so scared, like fainting goats, where they just tense up and go all stiff for a little bit. But even so, three dead birds in about a week, is this weird? Why would that be? And dead with perfectly intact bodies, as if poisoned?? Oh help me! I don't want my yard to be the dead bird yard. What can I do for them?

The Monger Mocker Becomes a Monger...

Alright, so I spoke too soon about the trash mongers. I saw a fake tree in one of the piles. I don't want it, but I know that my mom has been searching thrift stores high and low trying to find fake trees to help decorate her classroom this coming fall. Apparently, those things are quite expensive, even at some thrift stores. Anyway, so I considered just knocking on the door and asking if I can have it. Seems slightly less monger-ish, right? But, it's after 8 and I don't think that anyone really wants to be disturbed by a trash monger in the evening, especially this late. But, then the dilema - if I wait to ask until tomorrow evening, will some other monger get my goods during the day - or will the trash man make it to our part of town tomorrow?? Then I will be wishing that I would have acted faster. So what's a monger-mocker to do? I would just take it, but it's at the house right across the street, which would be really kind of awkward and embarassing if I got caught in the act of mongering. Hmmmm.....I'm tempted to hire a hit man, which would be Jesse. The advantage there is that he leaves for work so early in the morning. Hmmmm...I will keep you updated as the mongering unfolds.

The 4th of July

I've been meaning to post some photos from the 4th, but editing wedding photos takes the cake over personal photos, so the Mac has been tied up. In any case, the 4th was not only Independence Day, but also my Grandpa's 85th birthday. We went up to his birthday party in the afternoon and then went to a fireworks show that night. Although I am not crazy about really big family get togethers with my family, I do love seeing my Grandpa enjoying himself, and he seemed to be doing just that. It made all of the forced conversation with distant relatives and friends of the family that I don't really know worth it. And Jesse hangs in there alright too, although I know it surely seems doubly worse for him. And even though I didn't recognize half the people there, it makes me proud that my Grandpa still has so many people who love him and would go out of their way on the 4th to drive up to a tiny little town and celebrate with him. I hope that I am surrounded with as many friends and family as he is when I am that age. In any case, we got home from the party and Jesse had a short nap while I worked on a sociology essay. After that, we loaded up the dogs and went to my mom's house. Her town is actually known for having one of the best fireworks displays in this area. We were both pretty tuckered out by the end of the night, and the dogs were too...what with all of that barking at firecrackers, and cowering in fear of the loud booms and such. Anyway, here are a few pictures of the fireworks show....Jesse waiting for it to get dark so things can begin....8 parachute people come down before the show, the last one carries a big flag....then the fireworks begin.

TRASH MONGERS!

So, every other month, the city does a "large trash collection". This is a time when people are allowed to set out things like old appliances, carpet rolls, old furniture, things that you normally can't throw into your weekly trash, but that are indeed trash to you. So, a bunch of houses on our street have these big piles of junk sitting out, including us. This morning, when I walked by our window, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, this car was stopped by our trash pile, and a man was getting back into the passenger side of the car, looking around kind of acting weird and suspicious, and then they drove away really fast. I kind of wondered what he was doing, but didn't think too much of it. Well, just now, I was sitting here in the living room working on school, and I see this car pull up to the house across the street. He stops, quickly gets out, and digs through our neighbor's trash pile, then quickly hops back into his car and speeds off. So I start laughing and tell Jesse, so he comes out, and as we are looking at our neighbor's pile, we realize that the oven that was sitting there is no longer there. There are people going around today while they assume everyone is at work, and taking stuff out of people's trash heaps!! Mongers!

Puppy Love

Colorado...

Jesse and I have been talking about Colorado the last couple days and I really miss it lately. I keep waiting for this house to become "home" and for some reason, it is still just a place to live to me, but hasn't reached "home status" yet. I don't know why. It's a lot cuter than our house in Loveland was. It has a much much nicer yard. We use the space much more efficiently. The neighborhood is nicer. The view is nicer. But, it's just that...a nice house...nothing more really. Maybe because we haven't put much work into it. Compared to Loveland at least. I felt really proud of our house there, even though it wasn't as nice as this one. I guess I felt that way because Jesse and I poured many many hours of work and effort into that house. Maybe it was still ugly in lots of places and still needed lots of work when we left, but they were our ugly spots. And we were going to work on them together and make them nice. And here, I didn't do any of this work. The wood floors were already here. The deck was already built. The landscape was already nice. I don't know. Maybe all of this stress is just the living room color. I am regretting the blue the last few days. It's nice. It looks nice. But it's not really "ours", does that make sense? It's just sort of there, this nice looking room, that I don't feel cozy in. I felt cozy in Loveland. Maybe that's the difference. I want to walk into my house and automatically feel relaxed. Like I know that no one will bother me. It's a safe place, where I can just sit peacefully. In Loveland, coming home was instant relaxation. Like I would breath a sigh of relief the instant I turned the corner and saw the house. Here, I just see the house, still sometimes nearly pass it, and then think "oh, that's my house." It's surreal almost. Maybe it's just our lifestyle. I really liked who we were in Colorado. Not that it was perfect. There were definitely things that drove me crazy there. But, overall, I really liked our lifestyle there. We're different here. Or different there maybe it is....I don't know. Maybe I just don't like my position right now so I daydream too much about when I did like it. Right now, I really don't like the classes I'm in (except one). Although I have tons to do for school, my schedule is flexible, and Jesse's schedule is just weird. I always get my days mixed up. Each day, I know what all needs to be done, but there is no order to it really, besides whatever order I give it. And then I wonder what in the world am I doing? Do I even really want this degree or is this just something to do? I guess when I really think and answer that question, I know the answer. I want it. But maybe I don't want to want it. I don't like being a student. I don't like the connotation of it. I don't like the label of it. I don't like the debt that goes with it. I have major issues with the education system in America and I don't really want to be a part of it. But, then I have to go and want this degree so much, which totally messes up my rebellion against the system. Ugh. At least I am married to an "uneducated" man. That gives me hope. (Be strong Jesse! Hold out!) Anyway, all in all, I have decided staying home all day makes you nuts! So the simple solution should be to just get a job, but then there's that whole God thing where He told me to stop looking for jobs. I've been "checking in" on that one lately to see if it still applies. Anyway, so I compare this state of life, and I know it's probably not good or healthy to do all this comparing, but lately, I do think about the "good ol' days" when I had a job that I liked, that paid well, the hours were great, my boss was amazing, Jesse's schedule worked well with mine, and we had our own little cozy place at the foot of the mountains. I don't know. Maybe I should just repaint the living room brown. Oddly enough, that may just solve some of this stress!

Hooters for Neuters

Frustrated with one of my classes, I took a break and logged on to check my e-mail and browse the internet for a bit. I stumbled across one of the funniest msn articles that I have read yet. Apparently, the city of L.A. is having some controversy over a "Hooters for Neuters" bikini contest that was supposed to raise money for the city's animal services. And who says only their wings are good? Obviously, they have hearts of gold.

Angry Brain

Do you know that feeling where your brain is just angry? Like when you're in a meeting and the speaker has gone way over his time and just won't shut up, even though he's saying nothing even remotely important, but you can't get up and leave because that would be rude, so instead you sit there, about ready to jump out of your seat, clenching your teeth and eagerly awaiting the minute when he finally shuts up and dismisses? That is the feeling that I keep getting each time I open up my GeekSpeak books. I am having a really hard time with these classes. Not necessarily because they are hard, but beacuse my brain gets so angry reading about this stuff. I don't know why. Maybe because I have to read the same page five times before it soaks into my head, because after the second sentence, I am reading the words, but my brain is thinking something totally different like "Hm. Ice cream sounds good. Remember Carmelcopia at Baskin Robbins? They discontinued it. That's too bad. That was so good in a waffle cone." Then when I get to the bottom of the page, I realize I read every word, but I don't have a clue what I just read. So I start over, and if I'm lucky, my brain pays attention to the third sentence and this vicious cycle repeats itself, and by the time my brain actually pays attention to the entire page, it is very angry. Needless to say, I am taking a break before my brain starts yelling at me.

I don't have much to say. Tomorrow Jesse and I are going to the Rivermarket, which I am very excited about. Maybe I will find some exceptionally fine produce...maybe even a personal watermelon. Mmmmm....

The Sign

So we have this big thermostat in our kitchen in a really bad spot on the wall. I debated about what to do as far as decorating around it. Jesse even offered to move it, but that would involve more holes in the wall, patching up stuff and painting over it again. And frankly, most patch jobs don't look all that great. So, I finally decided that the best thing to do would be to incorporate it into our decoration. We had planned to do a "Farmer's Market" theme in the kitchen, with stuff like old road side fruit stand signs and things like that. Well, it sort of evolved into a French farmer's market, and now all the old signs are in French. Anyway, so a week ago, Jesse and I began working on the big sign that will go with the thermostat. We got it all ready to go, but were waiting to hang it until we got our new thermostat, (which Jesse explained on his blog). Anyway, so we got the new thermostat yesterday and today was sign hanging day. This sign is made of MDF, so it's pretty heavy. In the photo below, it looks like Jesse is putting it up with ease. But, if you would have seen the spectacle going on about five minutes before I took this photo, you would have gotten some good laughs. We probably looked like a slap stick comedy routine. Jesse and I were both hanging on to it, to the tune of Jesse cursing in the background while we tried to get at least one or two screws in before we dropped it or ripped the thermostat off the wall since the sign goes all around it. In the course of all this, I dropped the drill onto the kitchen table and made a big mark in the middle of it, Jesse dropped the level on my head and made a good bump on it, and the level also dropped onto the chair rail and made a good mark into it. I guess the whole "distressed farmer's market" now continues through more than anticipated. Oh well, we finally got it hung up, and the thermostat blends in pretty well. If anyone knows French, please do not make fun of my poor translation. Actually, there is also a bit of Hawaiian on there as well, so it really probably makes no sense at all when translated. I am just banking on the fact that we have very few bilingual acquaintances.

Broken

So I was outside doing some yardwork, and when I got to the back door to come inside, Jesse is standing there....looking just like this: I really didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Seems like life hits you all at once sometimes. Thankfully, he has an extra pair of "back up" glasses that he is able to use until we can get him some new ones. The thing is, he didn't even do anything to break them. They just broke. He just touched them on the side barely, and out popped the lens, in a "non-fixable" fashion. Life gets you like that sometimes. One of Jesse's cameras broke earlier this week, which he can't go without, because he has a wedding to shoot this weekend, so he ended up having to book a rental. We will obviously need to get the camera fixed as well. Oh well, I am at least very very very thankful that his camera didn't break during a wedding. Looks like we will be glasses shopping tomorrow.

The Hose

Our lawn is starting to turn brown because it's not getting enough water. We finally decided to invest in a sprinkler a week or so ago. Last night, Jesse went to hook it up, but the sprayer attachment that we have on the end of the hose is stuck on there. He tried a wrench and everything. So, we decided to water the grass by hand and will deal with what to do about the hose later. Anyway, as soon as Horton sees one of us going toward the nozzle to turn on the water, he gets really excited. Then, as soon as the water starts coming out he starts jumping up into it and chasing it all around. You can't really get anything done except spray him. We figured we might as well let him play for a while and the yard would get watered at the same time. Abe saw this happening, and started to get worried that it might be bath time. He hates getting wet, so unlike Horton, the minute he sees one of us going to turn on the hose, he heads in the opposite direction and tries to hide. Last night, he was trying to back himself into the space between the deck and a/c unit.

Just When I Have It All Figured Out....

So just when I have my life all figured out, my sociology instructor has to go and blow things for me. I am taking sociology this semester (obviously) and it's really interesting. Almost...dare I say, more interesting than psychology. I think they may be neck and neck right now. To be honest, it's tempting me to stray from my psychology degree into sociology. But, what can you do with a sociology degree in real life? I'll sit on it for now, and see if the rest of this class proves to be as interesting as the beginning has been.

A New Class

I need a wake-up break. I have decided that two of my classes are falsely advertised in the course catalog. The names should be "GeekSpeak 101: World's Driest Reading" and "GeekSpeak102: Let's Debate Operating Systems". (Sorry to all you computer writing program, HTML, techno lovers.) Actually, I am quite thankful that some people in the world find this stuff interesting. I sure do love to use the end results, like e-mail and blogger for instance. But, man, I have to honestly say, I sure don't really give a rip how it works. What is that old saying...no one wants to hear about the labor, they just want to see the baby...well, that sure describes my feelings when it comes to computers and math. Guess that's one reason Jesse and I work well together. He gets all this techno stuff and he is really good at it (and he's definitely NOT geeky!!) and I get the other things in life. Cover each other's weaknesses and enhance each other's strengths, that's what makes up good relationships, right? Hey, lookie there...maybe I am learning something in GeekSpeak after all.

Deal of the Day

I am pretty excited about this. Walgreens was having a sale on the deodorant that Jesse uses for 99 cents. I also had a coupon, for 1.50 off his deodorant. I had two of the coupons actually. So we bought 2 deodorants, and technically, at the end Walgreens owed us money. Their system wouldn't let them give us money back, but we got the deodorant for free. Now if only I can find other deals like this...

Today

So I wrote a few weeks back about this new season of "faith tests" that Jesse and I have been starting out in. It seems to be the hardest one yet in terms of having faith, yet I find myself learning to view life in a new way and it's kind of exciting, (even though I doubt I will be all that sad when this season ends)! After beginning to balance our checkbook earlier this week, I have really been reconsidering taking a job. I tell myself it's not just money. I really don't leave the house much since all of my classes are online. In fact, the only time I have left the house in the last 10 days or so was to go grocery shopping at Target. That's not healthy, I tell myself. A job would at least get me out and about more often. But then I really think about it, and unless something perfect just falls into my lap, I don't really feel right about taking one still. And Jesse feels the same way, so it seems that if both agree that the simplest solution of me getting a job is not the right one, surely we are heading in the right direction at least a little. In any case, each time I start to worry and ask God again if I can just take a job, or how or where money will come from, I keep getting the same reply. Today, are your needs met? And each time, I have to answer Him, "Yes, today I have everything I need." And that promptly ends the conversation, with me walking away like a puppy with my tail between my legs, feeling ashamed that I ever even questioned. I feel like this is not going to be the same old faith tests that we had in the past with money, but a new level of testing. It's really day by day. And all of my "fall backs" that I had before are gone this time. I realized that even before when we struggled with money, in the back of my mind, I always thought "well, worse case scenario, I know that we can get money from such and such place." There is no "such and such place" this time. And there is no foreshadowing of future income this time. And this time, with me being in school, we are actually taking out loans. In the past, I could at least say "well, I'm not rich, but at least I don't owe anyone money!" Now I do, and all my fall backs have fallen away. This time, it's only God and there is only the question that lingers on my mind, puts me at ease, and makes me remember just who I am - Today, are your needs met? And looking around me tonight, I think "yes they are, and they are met in abundance."

Company Picnic

Jesse's "company picnic" is today. I think Jesse wants to go after he gets home from work. Although, he says he only wants to go for free food. There is a slight chance of rain today, which I no doubt knew after Abe woke us up every couple hours last night. A warning of the things to come I guess. Anyway, hopefully we don't get rained out. It's in this park that has a nice path by the river, so we plan to take Horton and Abe and let them practice their social mingling. They get better all the time (at least I tell myself). Although, we did have our BBBS home visit last Wednesday, and I think Abe scared the guy pretty good. He started to walk in the door, and Abe sort of ran toward him, barking. Of course, Jesse and I know that all Abe wants to do is give him a good sniff, and then as long as Jesse and I seem alright with him, Abe will lay down and take a nap. But, I guess things look different when you're the one he's barking at. Anyway, I guess the home visit went well. Lots of questions that I didn't know how to answer, and a quick tour of the house. We are supposed to get a letter in the mail by next week telling us whether or not we are accepted. I assume we would be, but guess you never know. I get nervous thinking about actually doing it. It is a decent sized commitment. One that I think will be very fun and rewarding, but none the less, a big commitment. I guess I mainly just don't want to let the "Little" down. Our lives have been so "ever-changing" the last few years, and I want to be able to be something in the "Little's" life that can actually be counted on. Guess we will see. There may not be any matches for a while anyway! Although I hope there are.

Anyway, school for me, work for Jesse, and that is our life for now!

School Stress and a New Pitcher!

Well, my classes started on Monday and I really hope that I didn't bite off more than I can chew. Honestly, I thought it would be a piece of cake this semester since I'm not working, and I'm really only taking 3 hours more than I took last semester when I was working. Well, guess pride goes before a fall, because I feel so overwhelmed with school right now. One of my classes in particular is, in my opinion, ridiculous. The teacher even logged how much time we spent in the classroom the week before classes started!! He posted it for everyone to see and then encouraged us to get more involved. Now, why would we spend time in the classroom before classes have even started!?! I get a ton of e-mails from him everyday, of which I wade through trying to make sense of. And he's e-mailing me telling me to "hurry up" and get things done. Not exactly helping my stress level. But, all in all, he seems to be a nice guy that is just really excited about teaching. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, on a happier note, Jesse surprised me today with a beautiful glass pitcher. I had mentioned a while back that I have always wanted one. Now I can hardly wait to buy some lemons and cut them up into a pitcher full of lemonade. I love those simple things.

We have gotten a decent amount of rain here lately and some of my smaller peppers have rotted. Thankfully though, the ones that are a bit bigger are still doing well. I like the rain, but if it came just once a week and gave me an inch or two, that would really be perfect. I think it has drowned my raspberry bush. It's in critical condition. Anyway, I'm going to post some pictures of some of the plants in our yard, and if anyone knows anything about them...advice on how to care for them...please let me know!

Gardens and Garage Sales

I feel like I am finally getting the hang of how to care for most of the plants in the yard. My grandma came over a few days ago while my grandad was having some surgery done in a nearby hospital and she told me what most of the plants are, as well as when to prune them, where to cut off spent blooms, and other handy little tips. Pruning seems very severe. I have some plants that are as tall as me, but apparently I am supposed to hack them back to just a few inches this fall. That seems really intense, but I guess it is the thing to do. Learning about plants has helped me understand a lot more Christian analogies that I have heard over the years. I've heard analogies about us being grafted into Christ and of course the classic "God will prune you" talks, all those type of things, but now that I understand plants a bit, the analogies make a bit more sense. Not total sense, but a bit more.

We had a garage sale yesterday at my mom's house. Every year, her town does a "city wide" sale, so it draws more people than just one person or two having a sale. Thankfully, we got rid of a lot of our junk and made some extra cash. Jesse was working a double yesterday, so it was just my mom and I at the sale. After noon or so, things were slowing down, so we moved everything that was left (minus a few things that actually had some value) to the end of the driveway and put up a big sign that said "everything is free". It's really funny what people do when you give them free stuff. They almost feel indebted or something. Everyone who took something from the free pile, asked to double check that it was free, many asked "are you sure you don't want something for this at least?", some would walk bashfully with their "free" find, and mutter a silly little, but very grateful "thank you", and one guy tried to give us a dollar.....which I thought was really funny, because that's pretty much free anyway. Then I realized, that for people, it's not what they give or how much they give, but they just feel "more even" if they have at least given something, even if it's a small something. It's hard for people to accept things with no strings attached, be it free stuff at a sale or gifts for no reason. I've realized this a lot over the last few months. I wonder if that is a hindrance when it comes to Christ.

Anyway, Jesse is working a double again today and tomorrow. I tried to instate a "no more than 2 doubles back-to-back and no more than 3 a week, and even that should be seldom" rule, but I guess he didn't listen to my rule very well this week. I am afraid he will be exhausted when his "weekend" rolls around, especially working in the heat here. Even Horton agrees. When Jesse is at work, every time Horton hears a car door outside, he runs to the window to see if it's Jesse. When it's not, he lets out a little whine and lays back down in disappointment. Sigh....I know the feeling.....

We're Online!

Alright, we finally got our internet set up today. Yay!!! Now I can finally waste hours of my day again. Life is good. Actually, it's a good thing we got it set up because my next round of classes starts on Monday. Anyway, we still have more boxes to unpack, stuff that needs to be hung on the walls, and the garage still isn't cleared out enough to fit a car into it, but I have hope that it will be soon. Horton and Abe got new beds at Costco yesterday, which they are very pleased with. Abe likes to lay across both of them and take up as much space as possible. The beds are cedar filled and the smell is rubbing off on the dogs. Now when I pet them, they smell like little hamsters to me....guess that is better than dog farts. Anyway, here are some photos of our progress....