Today

So I wrote a few weeks back about this new season of "faith tests" that Jesse and I have been starting out in. It seems to be the hardest one yet in terms of having faith, yet I find myself learning to view life in a new way and it's kind of exciting, (even though I doubt I will be all that sad when this season ends)! After beginning to balance our checkbook earlier this week, I have really been reconsidering taking a job. I tell myself it's not just money. I really don't leave the house much since all of my classes are online. In fact, the only time I have left the house in the last 10 days or so was to go grocery shopping at Target. That's not healthy, I tell myself. A job would at least get me out and about more often. But then I really think about it, and unless something perfect just falls into my lap, I don't really feel right about taking one still. And Jesse feels the same way, so it seems that if both agree that the simplest solution of me getting a job is not the right one, surely we are heading in the right direction at least a little. In any case, each time I start to worry and ask God again if I can just take a job, or how or where money will come from, I keep getting the same reply. Today, are your needs met? And each time, I have to answer Him, "Yes, today I have everything I need." And that promptly ends the conversation, with me walking away like a puppy with my tail between my legs, feeling ashamed that I ever even questioned. I feel like this is not going to be the same old faith tests that we had in the past with money, but a new level of testing. It's really day by day. And all of my "fall backs" that I had before are gone this time. I realized that even before when we struggled with money, in the back of my mind, I always thought "well, worse case scenario, I know that we can get money from such and such place." There is no "such and such place" this time. And there is no foreshadowing of future income this time. And this time, with me being in school, we are actually taking out loans. In the past, I could at least say "well, I'm not rich, but at least I don't owe anyone money!" Now I do, and all my fall backs have fallen away. This time, it's only God and there is only the question that lingers on my mind, puts me at ease, and makes me remember just who I am - Today, are your needs met? And looking around me tonight, I think "yes they are, and they are met in abundance."