On Death

This might be a downer post. Maybe it’s the mood I’m in, or maybe it’s the news that another of the shelter dogs died, but I am thinking about death today.

I remember visiting the hospital in the Philippines. I met a lady there who simply broke my heart. I sat by her bed and cried one of the hardest cries of my entire life. I couldn’t hold back my tears, no matter how hard I tried, so I gave up all efforts to talk or explain myself (like I could have managed that in Tagalog anyway). Instead of speaking, I just sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. That woman died the next day. And to this day, I believe I was meant to go to the Philippines to cry over her. I don’t think anything else I did there really mattered all that much, but crying over this lady as she was in her final hours - that was my purpose. I guess I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone, she mattered, someone noticed she was hurting, someone would mourn the loss of her life.

Mourning - that was my act of worship, my prayer over all that is wrong in this messed up world and there were simply no words - just tears.

I often go back to that place of being wordless. So much I don’t understand. So much that makes me angry and sad. So much that I can’t control. And the only thing I can cling to is that someday, maybe, it might all have a happy ending. But I don’t actually know that - it is only a hope. And in the meantime, while we all wait out our hope in this hostile world, there is nothing we can do but mourn.

But, mourning is not to be mistaken for weakness. Tears are not to be taken as a symbol of frailty. Quite the contrary. Mourning is a powerful act. A holy act. It is the soul’s song - a song of longing for beauty, for safety, for peace. And it is needed and necessary in this world.

So, I don’t apologize for crying over a shelter dog and mourning her death. It’s not trivial. It’s not because I’m “an animal lover”.

Because it isn’t just about Nigella, sweet shelter dog that we lost today, and it wasn’t just about the Filipino woman in the hospital that day. It is about a world that discards beings - whether two or four legged, a world that preys upon weakness, a world where the innocent suffer in horrific ways.

I believe recognizing the deep, deep sorrow of this world is one step toward compassion, toward mercy, toward love. So tonight, I choose to cry and mourn. Because I don’t understand.

Charity

Over the last few years, I have thought a lot about "causes" and social justice issues. When there are so many things wrong in the world, how do you decide which one to put your effort into? There are many, many thing that tug on my heart, as I'm sure they do many others. But, the fact of the matter is that I don't have the time, money, or the energy to contribute to every cause that weighs on my heart. In the end, I have to choose.

After having spent a few years involved with various ministries, non-profit organizations, and even for-profit businesses with a "good twist", I decided my giving is maximized when I myself am maximized.

By that I mean, certain efforts I was involved in totally and completely drained me, left me frustrated, and became utterly un-enjoyable. The only reason I kept doing it is that I had committed to doing it, but often times, I was counting down the days until my commitment was over.

Eventually, I pretty much stopped doing all together. I was just burned out, tired, and frankly, pretty much a crabby, pissed off type of person.

Then, slowly the ache came back - I'd hear stories that stirred my heart, learn about causes that I desperately wanted to help with, and found myself really wanting to give back in some way. So, I did another long round of searching for a "fit", which resulted in me trying on a lot of "wrong fits" (and even one, year long wrong fit that I roped Jesse into doing with me...sorry babe.) Eventually, I started heading back to the exact same spot I was in, burned out and tired.

So, I decided to lay off of it all for a while again....but then that ache of wanting to be involved with something came back. With memories of the many failed attempts at "helping" fresh in my mind, I decided to approach things differently.

I decided to be 100% selfish. And it has been awesome.

That sounds bad at first, but it's actually a good thing. This time, when I approached "getting involved", I was highly selective. It had to be something that a) I looked forward to doing, b) I could easily afford, c) I felt extremely passionate about, and d) I could "test run" and easily bail on should I change my mind.

Thus enter a flyer I saw while walking to class one day a couple years ago. A local dog shelter needed people to walk dogs. Even though it got my interest, I didn't jump on it. In fact, months went by and I passed that same flyer dozens of times, each time thinking "maybe". After all, when I had intended to "give back", I was sort of thinking about people, not animals. Even so, I kept it tucked in the back of my mind, since it did fit my requirements: I love dogs, I had been wanting to get more exercise anyway, I was already passionate enough about the humane movement that I had given up meat, I could pick when I wanted to do it, and I could stop anytime I wanted.

Finally, months later, I bit the bullet and gave it a try. And now, nearly a year and a half later, I'm still doing it, and I still look forward to it, and I still believe in it, and I still get energized when I go, and I still regain perspective on my life when I go, and I laugh there, and I don't care how I look there, and my heart is still soft there, and I still cry when a particularly bad story of abuse or neglect comes my way, and I still rejoice when a particularly good story of success, health, and a happy, new home comes my way.

And finally, I feel like I caught of a glimpse of what God intended in our giving. It's a mutual exchange. I'm not giving and receiving nothing in return - thus immediately making it not about charity or about one side being "in need", but about community, about a shared sense of value. I have something to give, but I also have something to receive.

I'm not set up in a place of power or of "betterness", which can easily come when I'm giving without receiving. Instead, because I receive, the giving is made even better.

And that receiving piece is, in my opinion, what makes many charitable causes fail. We don't see that even in our giving, we must receive. I know that's backward from everything I ever learned, especially in Christian circles where it's all about "dying to self" and "giving without expecting anything in return", and yes, it's true that Jesus did do that...but you know what? I'm not Jesus.

I think someone who is God and human and the whole kit and caboodle probably has an upper hand in that he could probably find a way to give any way he pleases, and in a way that never belittles the "other side". But I don't know if us humans can do that, unless we are also willing, and expecting, to receive, because we are far dumber than God, far more self-centered than God, and even in our attempts to "be like God", we have a way of really jacking things up.

I'm beginning to think the most unselfish way of giving is actually seemingly quite selfish, where we do anticipate and expect something in return, for it is this expectation of receiving that expresses our attitude; an attitude in which we are essentially saying that we can learn and grow and be better because of what someone else can offer us. We see that it is not just "me" that has something to offer, but that everyone, no matter their walk of life, has something valuable to give this world, and something we can learn and grow from that can not be found within ourself.

So, all that to say... my conclusion from this is that while there are a million causes worth fighting for, things seem to click best when we choose those causes in which the giving comes easily. That is not to say that it is not a still a sacrifice, but that is to say that it comes easily because it truly is coming from the overflow of our heart.

A silly example of this is my vegan-ness. As Jesse could tell you, cheese was my absolute, most favorite food in the world. I love, love, love, a good sharp cheddar. Feta in my salad...oh a nice Parmesan... and I could tell you about the most amazing Amish cheese and the way it crumbled on the block, but slowly melted in your mouth...oh my goodness, amazing. I always wanted to go to Paris with Jesse and spend a week eating nothing but bread with every single different type of cheese the city could offer. I've never really been a foodie, but cheese was the one food that could literally just make me stop and take in the moment of the taste...

Needless to say, being vegan is a sacrifice for me. But, at the same time, I find it comes incredibly easy. And I can only assume that is because my heart is really full with a love and desire for "the cause". So, in that sense, my sacrifice is coming from the outflow of how I feel in my heart, and that is what I mean when I say giving should come easy. I don't mean that it's not without sacrifice or difficulty.

So now that I have written a load full.... funny, what I had originally intended for this post was to do a simple intro paragraph and then post what I'm getting ready to below. Instead, my intro became a post in and of itself! But, what sparked this was something I read on Wayne Pacelle's blog about charities.

He was asked to give the commencement address for a university in Georgia, and spoke on charities in American life. I thought his words were worth sharing:

Wherever there is some great need in this country, you will find groups devoted to meeting it. Wherever there is some great wrong in this country, you will find groups that are laboring to right it. And what keeps all of these groups going is the commitment of members, volunteers, and donors who could all be doing something else with their time.

The jobs we keep are just a part of who we are. The mark we leave in the world will be seen way beyond the places we go to work. People will see your character in the company you keep, the words you say, and the causes you serve.

I challenged every student in my audience to find something special that mattered to him or her, to find a meaningful calling to fulfill. We are all driven by different passions, but it is that pluralism of interests that, in the aggregate, creates a civil society. Some are passionate about fighting poverty or protecting the environment or combating disease. When we each pursue these passions, or multiple passions, we get closer to covering the whole. As someone who cares deeply about animals, I am so relieved that there are others who share a passion for correcting other social ills or problems.

Well said, Wayne.

I Don't Know Where I'm Going With This

Jesse will be 30 in just a couple months. I myself have reached the age where I forget how old I am. When I was a kid, I'd always think it so absurd that older people would mix up their age, or forget birthdays or anniversaries. I kind of understand that now. Life is really, really fast. I'm not saying I'm old. I'm not. I'm young, and I have a lot to learn. But what I do know is that these days, I feel like life carries me along faster than I would like at times.

Jesse and I were young when we met, young when we got engaged, and young when we got married. In some odd sense, we have come of age together, and I'm kind of flabbergasted at how much we have both changed - as a couple, as individuals. Life is shocking to me. Sometimes I feel like Vivian in Pretty Woman, when she's talking to Edward, who tells her that very few people surprise him, and she replies something like, "Really!? Most people shock the hell out of me." Never, ever, ever would I have guessed the course our life together has taken - that we'd move more times than I can count, that we'd own and close a photography business, that we'd buy a house near the mountains, that I'd drop out of an art institute, that we'd face the personal issues that we have, that we'd end up living in Missouri - Missouri! None of that was what we'd planned. We knew our life course, and we were so sure. So sure.


Now, these days, there are few things I'm sure about. And I am okay with that. I used to worry so much about what other people thought of me. I wanted to make everyone happy. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted people to call me things like "sweet" and "nice". What I've come to realize though, is that it's a lot easier to not care what other people think of you when you like yourself. I never would have thought that I didn't like myself; in fact, I always thought I was a pretty confident person. But I've come to realize that I think maybe I worried so much about what other people thought of me because if they thought something bad, perhaps I myself wasn't sure that it wouldn't be true. In some way, I needed people to think good things about me.


Maybe it is all just part of getting to know yourself. While I don't want people to think poorly of me or to be offended by things I say, it doesn't bother me so much now if they do. I like who I am. Not everyone else will. And now I know myself well enough to know which things people say about me are and aren't true. So in some sense, this ambiguous force of "other people" has lost its power over me. I'm not a mean person, even if I have mean moments. I am however, an anal person, a competitive person, and sometimes even a controlling person. But, I'm also an extremely compassionate person who will give a piece of my heart to any being in need, a person who is willing to stick by my values even when the going gets rough, and a person who is innovative and resourceful. And let's be honest, at some point, in all of my worry about what other people thought of me, I was probably a really self-centered person, for it's highly doubtful other people were saying anything about me at all!


I think one reason I have always had such a fondness for animals is that they always accepted me. Growing up, sometimes I'd feel so alone; my dog would lay on me and let me sob. He gave me his time, when I felt like no one else would. I found some piece of hope in that.

When Abe died, I was so angry at God. Not just for Abe, but years of sadness and anger that I had always brushed aside, seemed to come to a head. One night, a few days after he died, there was a thunderstorm outside, and I went and sat on our back deck and cried. Soon, I felt something on my shoulder, and there was Monkey, who had trotted out to check on me. She sat down, nudged her head up under my arm, and then peeked up at me with her little eyes squinting in the rain. I could tell she had no idea why in the world I was choosing to be outside in the thunder when there was a perfectly dry house just a few feet away. Even though she didn't understand, she sighed, flopped down beside me, and leaned into me hard. She was just there. And when you're sad, sometimes presence is all you really need.

My dogs are hairy. They mess up my clean house. They often smell bad. They goober my curtains. They eat their own poop. But they make me really happy in really simple ways. They are loyal to their "pack". And loyalty is a trait that is so few and far between these days.

I've come to realize that not only is life really short, but life is also not like you plan. With Abe, all I could think was "if I had only known..." I didn't know our time with him would be so short. I didn't know he was in so much pain. Losing him through the circumstances in which we did stretched the fabric of my soul; a new type of anguish, doubt and struggle, like a lifetime of accrued emotion. Because it wasn't just about a dog; it was about finally having to face the truth of where I've come from - admitting hurt and anger and wrong doing on my part and the part of others to me, facing a hollow faith, and feeling anger over how cruel and unjust the world is. I also felt horrible that I hadn't done better for Abe, and I was so angry that his life ended the way it did. I felt like a pawn in a some sick and twisted joke of God - if anyone could devise a way to hurt me, this would be it.


And it sucked.


And I still don't have it all sorted out. I still don't know if I will ever have the kind of faith that I once did. I still don't know if I even want the kind of faith that I once had. But I do know this - life is short and I don't want to miss it. And who I am now, flawed work in progress, is enough for me. I don't expect things from life anymore. I don't expect things from God anymore.


And there is a whole lot of unexpected happiness and joy in that.

I feel like my perspective is so much better. I'm not striving anymore. I'm not wrestling anymore. I'm not waiting around for something anymore. I'm not trying to figure out God anymore. And life comes easy now. And even though I don't know who or what or why or how, I am pretty sure God is somewhere in it all, and if He's the kind of guy I think he is, I'm pretty sure he is pissed that the world is so jacked up, too. And I hope someday, He'll help me understand. But until then, I just don't know and all I have is now.

So, I look to find beauty in now. I marvel at the colors on our neighbors tree. I laugh at the quirky things my dogs do, I overflow with gratitude that my husband feels like my home, I try new things and I love them and I hate them, and it's all generally wonderful. It's like I can finally feel. So I do - I let myself feel the beauty in this life, and I let myself feel the pain in this life. And suddenly, I am richer than I ever have been before.

Religulous

Jesse and I rented Religulous the other night. It's a documentary with Bill Maher, who I haven't really watched much of before. Apparently, it has been called "one of the funniest and most offensive documentaries ever made". I didn't really view it as offensive, though I can see how many people would, and for that reason, I won't publicly recommend it. It's pretty raw (even perhaps crude) in the way that it questions faith and religion, but I think it's a very honest raw and for that reason, I can respect it. Plus, it is full of the sarcastic humor I love so dearly. And besides that, many of the doubts it highlights are very familiar to me. The film spends a good portion on Christianity, but also peeks into Islam, Mormonism, and some other pockets of religions with smaller followings.

I think the point of the film is summed up in three quotes scattered throughout:

The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man to destructive courses, the world actually could come to an end.

If the world does come to an end here, or wherever, or if it limps into the future decimated by the effects of religion-inspired nuclear terrorism, let's remember what the real problem was: that we learned how to precipitate mass death before we got passed the neurological disorder of wishing for it.

The plain fact is that religion must die for mankind to live.

I don't know that I agree with the end conclusion, but I definitely see where it's coming from. No one can deny that religion or some form of defining belief system have caused the vast majority, if not 100% of all wars in the world. And most religions cling to some sort of "final days" mentality where the world will be judged/destroyed, and the faithful will live happily ever after, while the evil will die or receive their just punishment. I get what Bill Maher is saying when he talks about the irony of that mentality and I get the damage done, the danger of religion.

But I also get the fact that faith is often the only thing that keeps people alive in really, really crappy situations. It is hope in a crazy, scary world. So, I don't think faith is necessarily the problem. How we use it is. And I won't argue with anyone who says it's misused, because it is. But, faith still has a place in this world. To be extreme either way (like trying to fight the injustice of religion by calling for its destruction) is just as dangerous as the other. After all, even not believing is a belief system, and calling for others to not believe is a "witness" or "conversation attempt" of some sort.

I'm sorry for all the times in my life when I've been "sure", because looking back, I can see that I may have done more damage than good. My certainty made me blind and arrogant.

Really, I think we're all wise to recognize that the world and God and faith are a lot more gray than black or white. I think we're all wise to recognize that we should never stop seeking, because the moment we stop is the moment we enter into that dangerous territory of arrogance and judgement. And I think we're all wise to offer a little more grace to those around us, realizing that they are really just like us - trying to make sense of it all, trying to do what is right by God.

Rambling about something which I've yet to determine...

I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness and what my "ideally happy" life would look like. I'm nearing graduation, which has meant making a lot of choices about where I want to head. Unintentionally, it has made me face a lot of realities about what I believe about life, and what I want out of it.

If I'm being honest, I really regret ever going to college. It is the first thing in my life that I can say I truly would probably not repeat if I were to make the choice again. Even hard times, tough times that I've gone through, most of them, I would probably choose again because I feel like they shaped me in some important way. But college, if I am being honest with myself, I went for the wrong reasons, and a big part of me feels deeply ashamed of my choice, because I know the depths of how cowardly my choice was.

I know a lot of people think I was nuts for not going in the first place, and many even view non-college grads as people who have made bad life decisions. I've met my fair share of people who judged me for not going or gave me a big "good for you" when they found out I "went back" - the same type of "good for you" that I would imagine someone would say to an alcoholic who was celebrating their first year sober. The implied You must have messed your past up. I'm glad you're getting your act together now. is hard to deny. It used to make me angry when people would judge me like that, but I've learned it's merely a difference of opinion, one that we probably won't be seeing eye to eye on anytime soon.

My hope now is that someday in the future, my degree will actually allow me to do something that I couldn't do without it. If I get into grad school, then maybe I won't regret it anymore. But we only know what we know now, and right now, I'm disappointed in myself for ever having gone. Not that I didn't learn some things, because I certainly did. But, I feel the majority of it was time spent wasted pursuing something that I never even wanted in the first place (and I'm not just talking about the degree).

But, for whatever reasons, I am where I am, and now I am figuring out where to go. Part of me worries that I have limited my opportunity by going. I feel so very tied down in life. More than I ever have before. It used to be, for both Jesse and I, this mentality of the world being at our fingertips. We were free to dive in and try anything that we dreamed. And we did. We tried many things. We failed at many things. We succeeded at many things. But now I just feel kind of stuck. I feel like I have all these strings and attachments that I never wanted - student loan debt, a house in a market that is upside down... and I feel so limited. It used to be that anything I could dream, I could do. And now, there is all this sticky red tape. I can still do anything, but it's a whole lot harder now because first I have to deal with all my strings that I got myself all tangled up in.

And I worry for Jesse. He is getting his degree now too. Is he doing it for better reasons than I did it for? Is it freeing him or is it tangling him up in strings?

I just want to live simply. I don't want all this stuff. I don't even need all this stuff. Yesterday, we cleaned out our closet and produced four trash bags full of clothes. And the closet is still full.

This excess has been on my mind a lot lately. Friday evening, Jesse and I went to visit an old friend of mine, who has recently moved to live in a community downtown that I really identify with. They don't have much, but they use everything they have to its maximum potential. Collecting rain water from the roof to use for the gardens, which help feed them, processing a dead, donated deer all by themselves, slowly fixing up the building as they can, opening their doors to the homeless to come in and shower and get a fresh change of clothes, cooking meals to share, and just living to love. And what I perhaps most love about it, is that it's not charity. In order for someone to get something, they must give something. For instance, if a homeless person who comes in to shower wants a clean shirt, he must give his own shirt - same for shoes or whatever else. The community then launders it, and puts it back in the closet. Charities are good, and certainly needed, but a principle flaw of them that I have really struggled with is the mentality that can come along with them. It's so easy to get this mentality of pride and do-goodness where you get all puffed up because you did a good deed to help someone else. And indeed, I think we as humans are wired for that. Scientifically, it's been proven in study after study, doing good gives a chemical boost in the brain. But, I think we have to be careful that this doesn't become our principle reason for doing good, because then, it's really all about us and we've created some sort of "us and them" mentality in which we are the do-gooder and they are the receiver. And tangling someone up in "receiver" mode does nothing to help them in the long run. Not to mention it can be terribly degrading and rob them of their own dignity.

I didn't used to understand this. It hit me one day when we were working with Mercy Ships. One week, a free health clinic was set up by a few nearby doctor's offices. Mercy Ships staff were encouraged to go, both to volunteer and to receive the services. Jesse was having some health issues, so we signed up to go to receive. I didn't think much of it, until we got there. It was one of the most humiliating days of my life. Checking in, there were long tables set up, with the volunteers standing behind them, and people coming to receive the services on the other side of the tables. When we got to the table, I'll never forget the way the volunteers looked. They were happy. They were proud. But, it was apparent, that I was not one of them. They did not view me as equal. I was just this lower person, a pawn in their "do my good deed and get high" scheme. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, and most likely, every volunteer there was doing it with the best of (conscious) motives. Yet, it was very difficult to distinguish - who was benefiting more from this charity event - the volunteers or the people it was meant to serve? Having the tables, (literally!) turned on me, made me realize how deeply charity can strip a human of their dignity. It was such an ironic morning. Here, Jesse and I were devoting our entire lives to charity...we spent day in and day out "behind" the table, and this was my first taste of ever being in front of it. That day forever changed the way I view charity work, and I can recall the emotions with a very raw clarity.

It's not enough to just give. It's a matter of the heart, of "dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow", of taking a really, really hard honest look at why we do what we do - and being willing to change when the answer we find within isn't as pretty as we hoped.

So what is my point? Good question. I really have no idea. I'm just thinking...thinking about what community means, about what my life means, about balance and if there is such a thing, about what people deserve compared to what they get, and about whether or not I just ingested a moth when I ate that last bite of Fig Newton.

Does anyone ever reach a place where they can say they are truly satisfied in life? Do I try new things because I'm avoiding something, or because I'm seeking something? And where do you find truth when even your very own belief system is riddled with lies?

It's just that none of the answers in life that really matter are simple. That is, unless the rest of humanity knows something I don't. Bueller?...Bueller?...Anyone?

Good Memories

This is South Point, and believe it or not, I jumped off this cliff a few times, right where that wooden board is (just up the distance from the red hoist).




I remember the first time, standing at the top, looking down and thinking a million things. I wonder how deep I will plunge into the water. I wonder how long it will take to swim back to the top. I wonder how strong those waves are. How can I be sure there are no rocks where I am jumping? What if there are sharks? Count to three and just do it. If you don't jump on three, you'll never jump. And then I counted to three and jumped, and when I stopped plunging downward in the water, I swam as fast and hard as I could back toward the top. I am not sure if I would do it again, as each passing year seems to make me keenly more aware of how very much I have, and as such, how very much I have to lose. It makes me not quite as adventerous as I once was, which may be a good thing. At the same time, in my current life of working, taking care of the house, and going to school, I miss the adventure. I want another risk. Not necessarily one that involves jumping off cliffs, but just a little excitement would be nice. Since I was 18, I moved every year, (at least once, if not more), except for the past 2 or so years. Maybe somewhere in all the moving and changing, I somehow became slightly addicted to the thrill of starting new.

I don't know what all the future holds. I know things will be changing this spring once I graduate, and I know what I want the changes to be, but I don't know if they are the changes that will actually happen or if they are the changes God wants. I know I will feel a sense of let down should my hopes not happen, as to me they seem exciting and full of adventure and the alternative seems so ho hum.

I don't know what "settling down" really means. And I'm not talking location necessarily. I just mean life in general. It seems like I do everything I can, whether consciously or unconsciouly, to prevent whatever "settling down" is, from happening to me. Maybe part of why I avoided college for so long was because I associate it with the settling. And now that I'm coming up on graduation in a few months, I'm worried that life will sit me down and finally tell me my adventures are over.

And I don't want them to be over.

Dusting off my soap box...

I didn't go to church over the weekend, or any weekend recently for that matter, but none the less, I have a sermon! Now excuse me as I climb my soapbox... =)

For the summer, our small group is rotating leaders and topics. Jesse and I decided that for our week, we want to speak on Darfur. In preparing for it, I ordered a DVD off the website, Save Darfur. I get updates from this site often and it's a great resource for learning about the situation, as well as ideas for action. Definitely check it out, and even better, sign a petition there and then sign up for their e-mail updates that will let you know about other news regarding Darfur and further ideas of action that you can take.

In any case, the DVD is quite well done. It breeches the subject by looking at three major world religions - Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, and what their scriptures say about it. There were a number of quotes on the DVD that really struck me, that I thought I'd share here.

The great religions differ in the way they understand the relationship between humans and God. They do not differ in the way they understand the relationship between human beings and one another. Each one of those faiths says if someone else is suffering, that is my responsibility, and that is really what binds Jews, Christians and Muslims together. We have the same kind of ethic. The ethic of responsibility. -Sir Jonathan Sacks

Over the past few years, especially since leaving Mercy Ships, I've done a lot of thinking about what the real issues in this world are. I've been disappointed in the way that many Christian resources are utilized, and what "causes" rally the most attention and money. Seems like gay marriage, school curriculum regarding evolution, and issues like that receive a very large portion of our time and energy. If you ask someone in church about gay marriage, they would probably at least know the general issue and some legislation regarding it. If you ask someone in church about Darfur, it's iffy whether or not they would even be able to tell you where Darfur is located. Things like that really sadden. I feel like we put a lot of time into "defending" the wrong thing. He never defended himself, and I don't believe He needs us to defend him, which I feel is exactly what people are trying to do when they get all worked up over gay rights and "protecting" the sanctity of marriage or evolution being taught in schools and "protecting the truth". But never did God say "protect me, defend me, look after me." However, in regards to other humans, He did say:

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

So, with issues and legislation, I have to ask, who is it we are trying to defend, and do they really need defending? I would like the Christian community to take a good, hard look at that question, and see if perhaps, there isn't someone being overlooked while we are busy trying to "protect" our Protector.

In regards to Darfur, there is a lot of legislation in the works, and I wish that it was receiving as much attention as things like gay marriage legislation. On the positive side, however, the activists that are out there are making a difference. In a very, very, rare moment in US history, Clinton, Obama, and McCain issued a joint statement accusing the Sudanese government of their atrocities and warning that whoever the next President is will not ignore their actions. I firmly believe this statement was a result of activists writing letters, having rallies and protests. In politics, the pressure to please the public is so great, that if we demand something, it will not be ignored. And I want more people to demand that the people of Darfur get help. I'm not speaking merely of the US government here. I'm speaking of the entire world, and in particular, the United Nations. While talks have happened, some legislation has been signed, the actions are often slow. If the public pressure were greater, however, I think the action would be more swift. And this is a case that needs swift action. History shows, these things snowball. And Darfur is definitely rolling fast. I think it's so important to remember.

Hitler was meeting with his most powerful advisers...and they were discussing how to start the Holocaust, and one of his advisers say, "But what about the Armenian genocide?" and his answer...was "But who remembers the Armenian genocide?" - Vicken Aykazian

It was the Armenians, it was the Jews, it was the Tutsis, it is the people of Darfur, and someday, it could be your people and it could be my people. So don't forget.

One month before the terrible genocide in Rwanda, the United Nations man on the spot warned that there was a real risk of genocide and the world did nothing, and one month later, over a period of 100 days, 800,000 people were murdered. -Sir Jonathan Sacks

I think we often underestimate the power of our own humanity. 100 days, 800,000 people. That proves the power. Now imagine that on a good scale. What we do matters. It matters on a small scale, and it matters on a large scale. It matters right now. And it matters for the future.

We change the world one life at a time, one day at a time, one act at a time. There really is no other way. -Sir Jonathan Sacks

So today, let's each do our act. Let's remember our history. Let's take a good, hard look at our present. Let's say a prayer. Let's take five minutes to sign a petition, to write a letter, to tell someone else. Let's look into divestment. But let's not stay silent. Let's not ignore those who desperately need our voice and our defense.

If I have a chance to say something for my brother, I'm praying all days for you - Moheamed Dafella Ishag, (Darfur survivor speaking of his brother, who was murdered by the janjaweed).

The End

I talked with an old friend from Mercy Ships today. Haven't talked with him since our last day there. It's so timely, because last week, I was really thinking through our time there again and just trying to get some sense of closure or some sense of clarity about what exactly happened and what exactly I feel about it all. So, today was a nice test of sorts when the opportunity to chat with him came up randomly. I got to say some things I needed to say, and it ended up being really good. I've come to realize, the only thing I actually regret about our time there was not having the strength to stand up for myself, or not having someone in my life who would stand up for me when I needed it so desperately. I was so young (not that I'm terribly old and wise now), but I really didn't know any better during that time in my life. I took what was piled on me, and I trusted that when the weight was too much to bear, it was my fault, not anyone else's. Now I know better. And all the stuff that happened that hurt not just me, but others in a really deep way, wasn't anyone's fault in particular. There are things that I could have and should have done differently, and things others could have and should have done differently. It's a shame that it all went down the way that it did, but it's not beyond repair, which is maybe what I had confirmed today. And somehow, more than five years later, I finally feel free about the whole ordeal. I really didn't think I would ever have that. It's weird. It's like part of my future is opened up again. I don't quite know how to explain it. I know this whole paragraph is probably odd to most, as neither Jesse or I have shared with anyone the full on details of everything that happened during our time with Mercy Ships, but for those who saw us walk through it in any capacity, I think you know that it killed something in each of us and very radically altered our entire life path. In a sense, it defined so much of us as individuals and as a couple. So, to have any piece of whatever might have been lost during that time back, is very sweet and I find myself having trouble putting words to it...the only way I know how to explain the feeling is by imagining that you had lost something that you loved so dearly - a child, a person - and had made as much peace with never seeing it again as you could, only to have it show up again one day. The return is sweeter than honey from the comb. So this, my friends, is finally how the Mercy Ships story ends.

So What?

I can't decide if I am happy or sad today. I think it's the weather. Sunny - cloudy pouring rain blowing wind is a tornado coming - sunny. Mother Nature isn't sure and apparently, neither am I. As I was walking to class today, I was watching all the worms who are out of their holes, looking for a drier place. Silly, but it seemed so triumphant when I saw one who had made it to the pavement, safe from the underground flood. I wonder how nature can be so beautiful and cruel all at the same time. I overheard someone in one of my classes say she doesn't care about global warming or environmental issues, that the ice caps can melt, and she'll just watch the waters roll in. That is all well and good, but the thing is, we're making decisions now for the future generations. Global warming isn't even so much about us, for we'll all be dead by the time the effects really hit hard. It's more about a connectivity between time and people. And I'm not looking to debate whether global warming is or isn't true; I'm more wondering about the human race I guess. How is it that we are so into ourselves, yet have such a capacity for empathy and compassion? I mean, comments like this girl in my class - I've made them before, and I've heard plenty of other people make them before. I remember after 9/11, the very day after, I was at work, and a girl said "Turn off the stupid tv. I don't care about that. It doesn't affect me." But yes, it does. Have we become so blind that we don't realize that any human problem is our problem? I just struggle with this. I told you I saw that play, Nine Parts of Desire, and I was chatting with my professor about it. She made a comment that really made me think. She said something along the lines of "I've traveled. I've seen poverty, and those people, really, they are okay. They are happy. But, Iraq, they were like us." As if, through some connection of living standards, it's different. They were like us. That has just been stirring in my heart the last week and I can't seem to get past it. What does that mean? We have all these sayings Education is power. We learn history so we don't repeat it. If education is power, then why do I feel so very powerless about Darfur? And studying history - do we really just mean we study it to make sure it doesn't happen to us? If Darfur were Paris...if Sudan were England....if it was happening to people more like us.... would things be different? Would it all of a sudden "affect us"? Yet, even still, I sit here, wondering these things, and so what? So I think about it. So I know about it. So it still goes on. So what?

Today

Today I am happy that my daffodils are in bloom. I am happy that my lettuce seeds have sprouted and I am happy to say it's April. Today I am also worried about student loans. I am disappointed that it doesn't look like I will be graduating at my anticipated date, even if I work my arse off..which I have been doing. Year round in class, 18 hours semesters, working on the side, I've been hitting it hard. Today, I wonder if hard work ever pays off. I wonder if there is anything like justice in this world. Today, I wonder how much is enough. I wonder if silly little things I do make any difference. I wonder if those silly little things are more for appeasing myself than making a social impact. I wonder of all the causes, how can you ever choose which one is best to put resources into? How much is enough? And is there even such a thing as enough? Can the world's thirst ever be quenched? Today, I wonder why abstract ideas rule our lives. Why time and money appear as silly numbers that dictate nearly all of our actions. Today, I wonder if balance exists. If we are ever meant to find it. Balance is stagnant, and tension moves, but is that really the way it's supposed to be? Today it's cold, but the sun is shining.

Buddhism

I've been thinking about this a lot the last few weeks. I read an article in O magazine. Well not so much an article, but an interview with a Buddhist nun. I don't know terribly much about Buddhism beyond the basics, but something this nun said in the article has really made me think. I'll get to that in a minute, but first, most of the article is talking about being fully present and staying in the moment, which is something that keeps coming up in my life the last few months, in one way or another. Actually, in the article, the nun summed it up well. She said I have a passion for communicating that you can have an appetite for life as it is rather than life as you want it to be. And I suppose in many ways, that is the big lesson I have been learning recently. I am learning to be hungry again and to have an appetite. But instead of feeding on the future, which has always been my flaw, I am learning to feed on the present. I also like another thing she said, about not having to be Buddhist to practice this, and about living in such a way that you remain open, that you never come to decide that you are "right", and I wish there was a bit more of that in Christian circles. I know at some point, you hit absolute truth, but much of what divides isn't really over absolute truth. And seeing everything in terms of right and wrong, my side or yours, seems to have a way or making other people targets instead of humans - targets for conversion, targets for destroying, whatever the case may be. Christian realms seem to get so black and white. I mean, the old church saying "you're either a missionary or part of the mission field", that is just setting us up in such a position of "us vs. them" division. I liked what this nun said, she said ...[believing] the nature of your mind and heart is limitless and openness, free of prejudice and bias...somehow leads to seeing the humanity in even the worst people. Maybe that is what we have forgotten, the common bond of humanity, where even Osama Bin Laden is a man, with emotion, who cries, laughs, and okay...devises evil schemes to destroy America. =) But, still, I think the point is, we are all more alike than we are different.

In any case, back to the point of this post, this nun was talking about how in Buddhism, it follows that one of the major causes of suffering is simply wanting things to be differently than they are now. I've really been thinking about that, and it makes sense in my cushy life, but beyond the walls of myself and my rich world, it starts to falter. I mean, I was trying to figure out how you would describe Darfur in those terms? Taking it further, I started to wonder, what would happen if none of us wished things were different? Isn't there some point where we have to stand up and say that things can be better, and then work for that? I mean, I suppose if everyone practiced Buddhism and was all peaceful and lovey, then perhaps it would work, but the fact is, much of the world isn't Buddhist...so is this belief system feasible in the modern world? I mean, don't we need some call for action too? I guess it goes back to passiveness and aggressiveness. Is it enough to just be a peaceful person and do no harm to those immediately around you? Is that enough? At what point do we pay attention to the areas where no one is acting like that? And what do we do about that? Like I said, I don't really know too much about Buddhism (and I may very well be understanding this concept all wrong), but I just find this to be a very perplexing belief, which makes sense in the right context, but makes me further question our responsibilty and actions outside our own world of self. I guess, my real question is, is it enough to be at peace with yourself? It is if everyone is....but we don't live in a world that works like that, so what does that mean, if anything, for this belief? My bottom line conclusion, I guess, is that it has to go back to mercy. Mercy for the victims, mercy for the perpetrators. Like Bono says Blessings not just for the ones who kneel - luckily. Which, by the way, we saw U23D over the weekend and I have been wanting to blog about the awesomeness of it, but I have been graciously bowing down to let Jesse be the one to blog it....so he better hurry up and do so before I snag it up and tell you all about it.

Okay, well these are my thoughts for now that I am wrestling through...and maybe it's better if I never find an answer.

0708

I'm sleepy, but I don't want to go to bed for some reason tonight. Maybe I just don't want Christmas time to end, and today, I went to my last official Christmas get-together of the year. And when I wake up tomorrow, it will be all over and time to watch 2008 roll in.

Highlights of 2007:
Our new swing/landscaping
Redoing the bathroom
Gardening over the summer
New "official adult" furniture
Hitting the 5 year mark in marriage
My brother proposing to his girlfriend
Deciding to go back to fine art
Vacation at Disney World
Becoming a vegetarian
Walking the dogs with Jesse

Reasons I'm excited for 2008:
Art!
My brother's wedding
Jesse moving toward "photography freedom"
Possible eco-vacation
My "birthday bulbs" will bloom in spring
Planting in the gardens
Installing a hummingbird feeder

Resolutions I will make in 2 days and then probably never keep:
Read more books
Run a 5k
Lose a few pounds

Resolutions I will make in 2 days and try desperately to keep:
Like myself enough to accept myself
Accept myself enough to live my authentic life

Maybe that doesn't totally make sense. 2007 was a hard year for me, possibly one of the hardest yet. I really struggled a lot, but in the midst of it, I think life got a bit more clear. And as always, the outcome from the struggle is even more beautiful than before. It's like looking into the closet in the spare bedroom. You open the door and see everything all piled up, stacked together. It's not great, but it works and everything is tucked in somehow. Sure, it's frustrating on the days when you want to pull something out and have to carefully maneuver so as not to disrupt the overall chaos and have it all come tumbling out, but overall, the system is doing the job. Then one day, you decide you are tired of having to maneuver. You want to just be able to grab what you need, when you need it, with no struggle. So you decide it's time to clean. And it always get worse, much much worse, before it gets better. In the midst of cleaning, instead of having a closet full of chaos, suddenly it's pouring out and you have an entire room full of chaos. So much so, that you can't believe everything lying in front of you was actually in that closet. But, eventually, you wade through it, and you put things where they belong, and when you are done, not only the closet, but the entire room, is cleaner, more organized, more sane.

For me, 2007 was the peak of the messy part. I have come to realize that much of my anguish in the last couple years stemmed from living an imitation life, trying to squeeze myself into a package that is more pleasing to the world than the truth. I hate to say it's about prestige and acceptance, but it is. I finally realized, the only thing I really mourn about leaving the art institute is the prestige...the feeling that I must be worth something because this exclusive school said yes to me, and waived money in my face, special money, "competitive money" reserved only for those with "exceptional artistic and academic ability". But now I don't have that. So I wonder, do I still have ability now that I have no "proof"? Do I still have ability now that I go to a school who lets everyone in? I have nothing to show the world to tell them that I have worth. And maybe the appeal of getting the psychology PhD all along, was just a search for that proof. Either way, art institute, PhD - a piece of paper on the wall declaring I can be called "doctor", a piece of paper on the wall declaring my art is something to be reckoned with - it all calls out to me, See, I am worth something. I have proof.

But alas, today I have no proof. Today I have no scholarship. Today I do not attend an exclusive school. Today I am not preparing for the GRE.

Today, I have student loan debt. Today, I work at a place with the word "barn" in the title. Today, I have the starts of an amazingly impractical degree. Today, I am just me and I cannot prove that I am worth anything. I have no piece of paper. I have no fancy title.

And today, I finally feel a bit of happiness...but I also won't lie and say the "proof" is no longer alluring. It is. So, 2008 is the year to fall in love with reality, to become allured by my own life and my own choices, to resist the urge to compare, to get to a place where I no longer feel the need for "proof".

Here, Now.

As always, December has been busy. Over the last couple weeks, I got all my Christmas shopping done, took finals, met the newest niece in my family (who is already a toddler!), tried some spicy Thai food, gave my notice at work (new class schedule doesn't work with my job schedule), spent an evening with all of my brothers (it has been well over a decade since the last time), celebrated my mom's birthday, dog-sat Riley the nut, and met up with an old friend at an Indian restaurant (good chai). I have had many, many hard laughs, but it has also worn me out! One evening, watching Riley, I decided I should take my life cues from him. When he is up, he plays hard with everything in him, holding not one ounce of energy back, but when he is tired, he puts himself to bed, trotting into the other room, literally flopping down onto his bed, releasing every muscle all at once, and fully giving in to the need to rest. He is 100% present in everything he does. I, on the other hand, seem to have a problem fully giving myself to each waking moment or even fully devoting myself to each resting moment, which I suspect drains energy faster than Riley sprinting across the yard after a squirrel.

It's a Buddhist concept, to be fully present with yourself. Being mindful. I don't claim Buddha, but I welcome this idea, and see it laced through out the words of Christ. How much of my energy goes into mourning past moments, fearing future ones? What I need is mindfulness. After all, where does anxiety, stress and fear come from? Worry. Worry about what? Do we ever worry about the present? Nope, we worry about what is to come or what has been. I had a tiny sore throat yesterday, but I wasn't worried about how I felt at that moment. Instead, I spent my energy worrying about the future. What if this gets worse? What if I get sick for Christmas? All my fears, all my anxieties, stem not from this present moment, but from me putting my energy into other moments. What if I can't find another job when this one ends? What if that person thinks poorly of me because of what I said when they were with me yesterday? I seem to live my life in such a way that it's usually about another moment. I'm here, but I'm not present. I'm so often either anticipating or dwelling. I think a lot of us are, actually.

Picasso

Oh Picasso, thank you for making me feel like maybe somehow, someway, I could actually do something more than "make the world pretty" with art.

“What do you think an artist is? An imbecile who has only eyes, if he is a painter, or ears if he is a musician or a lyre in every chamber of his heart if he is a poet, or even, if he is a boxer, just his muscles? Far from it: at the same time, he is also a political being, constantly aware of the heartbreaking, passionate, or delightful things that happen in the world, shaping himself completely in their image. How could it be possible to feel no interest in other people, and with a cool indifference to detach yourself from the very life which they bring to you so abundantly? No, painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war." - Pablo Picasso

Wrestling Through Some Thoughts...

I am coming to a lot of realizations. I realize that I, and pretty much the bulk of Christian that I know, befriend "non-believers", with ulterior motives. I mean, even if you get into the friendship just because you like the person, eventually things seem to shift, and you take any chance that you can to "witness" to them because they are "lost", right? It's the right thing to do, right? - Poor them with no Jesus, and poor Jesus with no soul that he deserves, right? - But, basically, I realize isn't this in reality, just actually trying to turn that other person into you? I mean, making them more like you? More like what you believe? More like what you think is right?


I have to say, I'm so ashamed now that I have realized this and look back on certain friendships in my life. I'm not sad that we were friends, but rather, that I was a very poor friend, all the while plotting how to change them. Whatever happened to that "just as you are" stuff that I heard Christ talk about? Apparently, for a lot of Christians "just as you are" translates to "just as you are, but I hope you change".

Where/when did we ever become responsible for "saving souls" or "leading people to Christ"? Was that really ever meant to be a human responsibility? "Go into all the world and preach the good news" = "Save a soul lest ye die and rot in hell"? Or did we just take that on with such great intentions, and now have basically jacked up the entire facade of Christianity, where not only non-believers feel sickened by the hypocrisy, but also even believers (like myself) feel sickened by it?

Wouldn't people naturally be wanting to jump aboard the whole Christ ship if Christians actually acted like him? I'm not convinced that there should even be a need for "leading people to Christ", for if we actually acted like Christ, then people would most likely be jumping in all on their own. I'm not saying I act like Him and have it all together, Lord knows I really am not good at "following".

Anyone who knows me knows I have been on missions trips in the past, and at one point, was devoting my entire life to it, yet I've come to a point where I really wrestle over the point/meaning/purpose of these trips, and whether they are more harmful than helpful. And, in that, who exactly do they help? I fear they have become just another "fire-igniter" for Western youth groups, for churches in a rut...let's all go to the developing nation to get our annual dose of thankfulness and feel so much better about what we have and "get on fire for Jesus". I know this is not the intent, or the "admitted" intent, but really, in all honesty, how many trips end up being just that? I'm not saying all missions are bad and wrong, that is not the case at all, I can point to plenty that have succeeded in helping people to live fuller, richer lives. Shoot, look at Mercy Ships, though I had a terrible experience there, the organization itself is truly restoring people and I have to thank God for the work they do.

I just can't help but wonder lately if I even believe the Christian religion. (Or for that matter, if Christ himself would believe it), and I find myself cringing to be associated with it. I mean, granted, I know that I have bitterness issues and what not after being involved in "ministry" and living in a "Christian community", only to have some of the deepest felt betrayal and manipulation happen there. So I am fully aware that my view is skewed.

Even so, trying to be objective, while I hear things like the church being about love and forgiveness and acceptance, what I really see is fanatics condemning women outside of abortion clinics, calling them murderers, what I see is people working their butts off to make sure that gay people never have the same rights that they do, and frankly, that one really pisses me off. How can the Christian community exert so very much energy into something like keeping gay marriages illegal, yet barely turn and look at situations like Darfur or the ever growing humanitarian disaster in Iraq? People ask if I am for or against gay marriage or if I believe it's right or wrong, and my answer is that I don't think it really matters. Once every family has a home, no woman is living in daily fear of rape by government backed militias, and no kid is dying of malnutrition or starvation, then maybe we can talk about who's sleeping with who, but until then, does it really even matter?

And I'm sick of the nit picky stupid crap that goes on in Christian circles. I mean, I've heard a whole movement of people who are against the RED campaign. (You know, the whole deal that Bono and Oprah and all these different celebs got in on, where if you buy something red at the Gap or a red phone or whatever, a portion of the proceeds will go to help stop AIDS in Africa.) I've heard various criticisms: that more money goes to the advertising than the charity, that Bono uses the plight of Africans to boost his image, that it encourages consumerism as a "soft" action to make people feel like they are doing something when really all they are doing is shopping and being greedy and still yet ignoring the inequalities in the world today....the criticisms go on and on. And you know what I say SO WHAT? So what if all of that is true? This campaign has reached an entire group of people who may otherwise never give any of their money to any sort of charity. If shopping is what all of the so-called "greedy, materialistic" people do in the West, then what is so bad about twisting that and finding a way to use at least part of that money for a good cause? What harm can possibly come out of donating any, any portion of a purchase to help a country with a major AIDS crisis? What harm can come of finding a creative way to turn mass consumerism in the West into a channel, (even if it be a small channel), of giving to the East? Yet some in the Christian community are whining and boo hooing and hissing on that. Let's say for a moment, these criticisms are true (which I don't think all of them are), but let's say they all are and this whole campaign is just one big selfish ordeal....where is the Christian community that has stepped up and shown all the world a better way of helping? It's like people who complain about the President, but never get off their butts and vote. No vote cast = no right to complain in my book.

Jesse and I visited a church (this was over a year ago now), but in it the pastor started talking about how people are so loosey-goosey with their beliefs, and anything goes and what not, and how "BEAU-NO" promotes this by saying stuff like "I just go where the Spirit leads". And how "BEAU-NO" is a bad influence. Ahem. Jesse and I just looked at each other, and knew at that point, we'd never be back to that church. First, if you are going to criticize someone, please at least learn to say their name right! (The pastor was referring to Bono.) And quite obviously, if you don't even know how to say his name, you have probably not done your research on his lifestyle or belief system. But, it's stuff like that, ya know? And yes, here I am being a part of it, criticizing away and spending a half hour typing instead of I don't know, something holy, like praying. So go ahead and judge me, and then I can judge you for being so judgemental. And then we can both set up causes to help other people, and then we can bad mouth each other's causes. Yes, indeed, I think we have found the heart of Christ here. Amen.

Okay, sarcasm aside, let me just say one more thing, while I am sickened by much of what I see done "in the name of Christ", thankfully, I also know a handful of people who have helped me to know a little piece of Christ in them. And for them, I will be forever grateful, because they were people who accepted me just as I am, cynicism and crankiness included.

Back Where We Began

An old friend randomly e-mailed me last week and she ended her e-mail with something along the lines of "Everything comes full circle, I think". Today, I went back and read some blog posts from Jan. 06, when I first started this blog, and lo and behold, everything really does come full circle. It's a long story, that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I am finally giving up and going back to art. (Well, sort of. I am only a couple classes away from completing all requirements for psychology, so I still plan to finish it out, but I have decided that come Spring semester, I will be taking classes in person and minoring in art. If I decide to double major, then so be it, but for now, let's just plan on the minor.) This has been years in the making, as for some reason, I have fought with everything in me to avoid art, and in some twisted way, avoid God. And I let my experience at the art institute serve as the perfect excuse to continue this wild get away. Well, He finally beat me...er, rather I finally realized I never even had a chance. I don't know why, but for years, I have told Him that I should be a doctor instead of an artist. And I have all but reamed Him a new one for "burdening me" with art. And for a stubborn idiot like myself, it takes near death for me to give in. There is a verse that talks about "in your faithfulness you have afflicted me", and while I don't believe God ever causes death, disease, pain, on his children, I do believe He will cringe, and stand by as we destroy our very souls. And so for the last who knows how long, He has been faithfully cringing as I bring destruction into my own life, wondering how many weights I will lift until the barbell comes crashing down onto my chest and stops my breathing, finally realizing that it is going to take someone bigger, much bigger, and someone stronger, much stronger, to lift it all off and let me breathe again. So, I don't know what I will do with art. I don't know how we will pay the bills if my school schedule conflicts with my job schedule. I don't know that it's really a practical degree. I don't even know if I will like it. But, I do know I'm tired and I'm ready to stop running.

Good Quotes

I came across this quote today by an unknown author, but thought it was refreshing:

God tells us to burden him with whatever burdens us.

thelongestrantever....

Can I just say that I am glad summer is ending? This has been a hard summer. I seriously think I had a quarter-life crisis. Let's recap here...realizing I don't want to get a PhD in psychology after all, which means majoring in psychology for a bachelor's doesn't really get me anywhere further than where I can get without a degree, so my degree is somewhat pointless but I have taken out too many loans and gotten too deep in to quit, so I ponder changing majors, but that would mean going to school in person and maybe having to quit my job, which let's face it, is really a dead end job anyway, but it pays great for while I'm in school, gives me good hours, and I have a generous and kind boss and like the people, regardless, I had various meetings with schools about changing my major, of which I finally now for this week at least have it narrowed down to two options, which I won't publicly say, because let's face it, I'm flaky and I want to do something different every month if not every week, I had surgery and beforehand was slightly wondering if I was going to die, because my life seems to have lost all purpose and direction this summer, lo and behold, I'm still alive, and everyone gives me the advice that if I want to be successful and happy in life I should just follow my passion, but apparently, this summer, I have no passion, so that advice really stinks for a person in my position, they say if money were no object, what would you do all day, that's what you should pursue, well what if I'd buy a big lot of land and have an orchard and five dogs and bake and sometimes pretend that I am going to learn to sew and make cool things, but then I'd get out my sewing machine and have to measure fabric and I'd get frustrated that I cut it too short, but I don't want to remeasure so I'd sew it together anyway and it would be lopsided in the end and unfit for use of any kind, then a week later, I'd probably repeat all of this with something like woodworking, you can't really make a career out of that, ya know, so maybe I should just follow what I know I am good at, truth is, I can out organize anyone, and I am a frickin awesome administrator, but really, who wants to work at some company administrating if you don't even care about their bottom line, so I stay in school plugging away because none of the future life makes sense except that I hope someday we don't have think twice before buying new underwear because we don't know if we really can afford it or not, and it's so depressing that most of my underwear have my name written in them, it's true, because they are so old, I had them when we went to Nicaragua, and the laundry was community laundry, so if you really wanted to keep tabs on your panties, which believe me you sure do in a place like that, then you need to have a definitive marker, and really after being removed from that situation, it's slightly hard on the ego to slap on a pair of undies that have your name written in permanent marker across the butt, and my dog is sick, my poor big Abe dog is sick, and my poor little Horton dog has broken out with yet another rash and is eating his butt as we speak, and this is really my life, which I happen to somewhat enjoy, because really, I'm not a high fashion high life kind of girl, and there is something cute and lovable in the way my dog licks his butt and doesn't care if all the world sees, nonetheless, I am concerned that my big boy Abe is aging faster than my little heart can handle and I can't bear the thought of him living in pain, so I made him a vet appointment tomorrow and hope to find out something good, although I don't know what, but I do know that I am glad I can drive our SUV doggie vehicle, which had the window smashed in by some nice person in the middle of the night two nights ago, which caused a big ruckus in the morning as Jesse was leaving for work, thankfully Jesse is stinking awesome and found a piece of glass at a scrapyard and fixed it himself instead of having to pay 200 something for someone else to do the labor, but that is just another thing on his plate that is probably near ready to crack under the pressure of everything else on it, BUT fall is here and a new season is coming, which means, I will buy new underwear. I will consider taking up knitting. I will redo another room in the house. I will brush my dogs and marvel as their furry winter coats grow big and soft, and I will relax with a cup of chai. So eat that, summertime.