Roses

In my life, there have been a small number of things that I have really wanted to do, deep desires within my heart. Some small and seemingly shallow, some large and seemingly deep. They are different than goals in that I never set out to make any of them happen. I never had a purpose or a plan or some big ambition to achieve those desires. Somehow though, despite even myself, I have been able to live the majority of them. And the others, while I really desire them, I don't desire them now in my life. They are desires for my future. One of these desires, kind of a silly and small one, was to redo my mom's house. I don't know why I wanted to so badly, but it was just one of those things. Whenever I would have sleepless nights during our escapades in Texas, my thoughts would center around how to arrange the furniture, what colors to use, what flooring to use. It seems random, and not what I would normally label as a "deep desire in my heart", but yet, it was. Anyway, this past summer, I got that desire. We put in new hardwood floors, painted all the walls, got new furniture and window treatments, the works. The final thing was a large but empty space on the wall that needed a piece of art. We went out and bought a new canvas, but I really had no idea what to put on it. Then I saw this drawing that I had done once when Jesse bought me roses. That gave me the idea for the painting and it is now hanging in my mom's living room. Although it is scheduled to be replaced with another piece of art more fitting to my mom, for now it hangs out on the wall and I like to look at it and see the things in it that I didn't intentionally put there. For example, there is a particular brush stroke that to me, looks just like a person with their hands in the air, praising God. I have even done similar drawings of that very same figure before. Like I said, I didn't put it there on purpose, but now when I look at the painting, it's the first thing my eye goes to. To me, it's an ironic reminder that God is there, even when I don't see Him at the time, and that He really does have a plan and purpose for my life, even when I feel like my actions in life are sometimes aimless and lost. This painting was never meant to be anything deep to me, like some other pieces. It was just something to hang on a wall because we needed some decoration. Aimless, in a sense, no real use. But, much to my surprise, even in my aimless wondering, God shows up.

Two Perfectionists in a Pod

Jesse and I ran out today to run some errands and ended up making an unexpected pit stop at the Nelson-Atkins. They had a photography exhibit going on that Jesse had been wanting to see. Although the total collection they have acquired is roughly 6,500 pieces, they only had a few on exhibit and it ended up being kind of lame compared to what we had expected. But the trip wasn't lost, as we strolled through the exhibit as well as their usual galleries. Looking at many of the paintings, I had to ask myself "If I had done this, would I be satisfied?" There are many pieces that I still stand in awe of each time I see them (this trip included), but I came to a new realization today as I asked myself this question, and surprisingly enough, many pieces I looked at made me spew out an emphatic "no" in my head. For the first time in my life, instead of standing intimidated by other peoples art, crappy or not, I picked apart each piece with the same standards that I pick apart my own. Only a few survived. Not that these artists on display didn't have talent, but I wonder if they were happy with their pieces and would want them displayed. Like how we all study and reproduce Da Vinci's drawings and sketches in his journal. To him, were those really worth displaying, or were they unfinished works, pieces that he would never deem worthy of display? As we strolled through, I whispered some of my thoughts to Jesse. (Those curators standing in each room make me feel like I need to keep my voice in the "library zone".) As we then looked at the photographs, Jesse was having the same thoughts. If that were his photograph, would he say it was good? Would he be proud of it? I think we both realized today that we hold ourselves to near impossible standards with our work. Perfectionists in that way if there ever were ones. Not too sure what either of us will do with this new realization, but it's something to think about nonetheless.

After we looked inside, we walked around outside and took some photos. (Like I knew what I was doing...my photos were all crappy and poorly lit and Jesse's were all sharp and well lit.) Anyway, the photo above is a peek at our afternoon.

"Jesse is Brilliant"

Okay, so here's the follow up to that last entry where Jesse informed me how brilliant he is. I have to say, he is pretty amazing at anything mechanical. It just comes to him somehow. Anyway, although this is maybe more craft than art, here is my latest project (that I couldn't have done without Jesse's help). I love wall mounted lights, but not the commitment that goes along with them, so I thought making a headboard that's extra wide and then mounting the lights to that would be a good solution. I was planning this for our next house. In the middle of that, we decided that it was time to redo my mom's bedroom. So I thought it would be a great test run to make one for their bedroom and see if it really works out or not. Anyway, I had it all pictured in my mind and it was going to be so easy. We bought the material, a piece of mdf to mount it on, batting, and got it all upholstered. Then when it came time to mount the lights, I realized I didn't really think through any of the electrical parts, or where the switches would go and things like that. That's when I handed the project off to "brilliant Jesse". Needless to say, thirty minutes in the garage, and he has delivered the lights fully mounted and working, complete with switches on the sides. Each light even has it's own switch. I think we will definitely be making another one of these for our house. This is going to look kick butt when it's mounted up against the red coral wall. I am proud of this headboard, and my husband too.

Jesse

I really like this one. (It's Jesse.) This was done shortly after we moved into our new house in CO. This sprung a series of new paintings because I liked the brushstrokes so much, which is unusual for me. After playing around with it a bit though, I realized these strokes only work on a few subjects. But at least it got me excited enough to do some more things. I actually think this has become one of my favorite techniques. It reminds me of a palette that isn't totally mixed yet, but still makes sense to the eye. Maybe I also just like the subject of this one. =) Speaking of that subject, I have just been informed that there needs to be a "Jesse is brilliant award" made. He has been down the the garage working on wiring some lights, which he got to work first try. I'll snap a photo and blog that about that in a minute.

Human Form

We're slowly getting to the present ...this is a study I did a couple years ago. It has made me realize how little I sketch anymore, because in my mind, this is a more recent sketch. Two, three years ago...not so recent. No wonder I feel so out of practice. I often visit a particular art forum and check in on the figure drawing channel. Most of the frequent visitors in it have work that takes my breath away. And they just crank them out like nothing. A new piece a day it seems. I wonder how they do it. Discipline I guess. I suppose a lot of people wonder why so many artists draw or paint naked people. In the art world, the human body is like the pinnacle of challenge. Or at least that's how I view it, and assume many other artists do so as well. It's one thing to mix the colors for every day objects, but to mix the color of skin, that's incredibly difficult, especially with the variations. And even before you are to the color stage, to actually correctly draw a human figure is impossible without meticulously studying anatomy, scale, line and form. What other object in the world has the same range of movement as the human form? There are countless positions, angles, curves. And obviously, no body looks the same as another. Within that, you have reflections in eyes, tiny strands of hair coming together to form one shape. It's like every single lesson in drawing put into one subject. I think that's why it has its place of respect (in most cases at least) and awe in the art world.

Music from Lifehouse and lots of painting

This was the summer of 2001. I painted my all time favorite painting that summer and wanted to post it, but it's packed away in who knows what box from our move. This one has similar coloring though, and was done around the same time, so it will have to do for now. That summer was probably the most profound for both my art life and spiritual life. I had a lot going on, and really questioned the very existence of God. It ended up being that art was the only way I felt any connection with God, and in a desperate attempt to not lose all contact, I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning painting. Ironically, I never felt disappointed in the artwork, even if it was awful. Just to be able to do it was enough. And, even more ironic, although at the time I felt dead and extremely distant from God, I sometimes wish I could go back to that place. Looking back, I now see how very close God was to me, an intimacy that I miss terribly, although I didn't even know I had it at the time. I raged against Him and pelted Him with questions. He never defended Himself, and although I thought perhaps He had left me for good, turns out He was there all along. My Lifehouse cd brings me back to that place. It was the theme of my life at the time and seemed to perfectly echo my thoughts. Below are the lyrics to one of the songs on the cd:

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

Technical Markers

These are two drawings that I did in high school for no other reason than that the fact that I had an assignment to do a portrait, and an assignment to do a two point perspective drawing. I'm mainly posting them here as a marker of technical ability to measure growth against. For only being 15 or so at the time that I drew these, I am happy with the technical and aesthetic aspects, although I do see some flaws. Looking back, I realize high school art class was a luxury. In fact, any education is a luxury, especially a class of practice. To be able to work out problems and solutions under the guidance of someone far advanced from you is really a treat to be taken full advantage of, and I wish I had known that during my high school years. As an artist, you can look at a piece and see that it's just not right, but being the one doing it, sometimes you stare at it for so long that you can not find the place you went wrong, no matter how much you study it. A fresh and experienced eye can usually pinpoint the error the minute they look at the piece. I miss that.

History

I thought it might be a good idea to dive back a few years and take a little trip back through my artwork and spiritual life. For one, I am curious to see how my skills have (and have not) developed how I had hoped, and two, I'd like to see just how much my artwork reflects my faith, if at all. I picked out a few pieces from way back when and will be posting them over the next few days to start this off. Not all of them are technically great, nor do I even like some of them, or think they are worthy to be seen, but for one reason or another, they have had some sort of impact on either my art life or my spiritual life, and I chose them for that reason and no other. So bear in mind, this is not a gallery of my finest works or the pieces that I am most proud of, but rather a history of events.

Starting Fresh

I originally set up my blog to be a place of accountability for myself. I needed an outlet for my artwork and thoughts regarding it and my faith (which are most times, inseparable). Somehow, instead of having my blog be that, it just became a random place to post random thoughts. I decided I needed to delete it and start fresh with a new blog, this time with my original intent.