Spread the News!

I was so happy to read this article about a dog saving a girl's life from a fire, especially because it was a Pit Bull!! I have felt so bad for that breed lately getting so much bad press, and a lot of cities are killing them or forcing owners to get rid of them. It's really sad. I think most attacks aren't so much the dog's fault (although there are some cases perhaps), but more the owner's fault. You can't chain up a dog, especially dogs as big as Pit Bulls and expect them to be happy and tame animals. Anyway, I am very pleased over this Pit Bull...way to represent!

Tonight

I am eating soup with tortilla chips right now. I love how they get soggy. Jesse is out with N. I stayed behind tonight....although I am jealous because right now, they are sitting in the 2 dollar theater watching "Cars". I have a ton of school deadlines approaching shortly and a trip to Canada approaching shortly (can't wait to see my two "new nieces" and how big all the rest of the kids are now!). I don't want to have to spend much (if any) of my time there working on school, so I am trying to get all of my final papers written before we go. It's creating some crunch time now, but hopefully it will pay off when I am eating turkey and incredibly fattening desserts on Canadian Thanksgiving. I wasn't too concerned about it until finding out this week that I would need to go into work after I get back. It's technically my day off when I get back, but it's also the end of pay period, and the books need to be done, so off I go! It's not really a big deal, but my finals are also that week, so I'm nervous about getting all the papers done, studying, tests, work, and a trip to the great north. I'm sure I'm being overly anxious and anal as I usually am, yet I find such a great relief in "getting things done". After Jesse left to pick up N, I got one of my final papers done, so that is happy. After my soup, it will be back to the books.

Not much big news happening for now. I decided to redo (well, sort of) the bedroom. It was never really "done", so I guess I can't exactly "redo" it. But, I'm going with a new color scheme and some new ideas for the wall than what were originally planned, so I guess it's sort of a "redo" in my head at least. Maybe I will post some photos when we are done. Oh, and I am actually going to a salon tomorrow and paying to have my hair cut. This is like an annual event with me. Otherwise, I con either my mom or Jesse into cutting it. Just seems like there are so many other things I'd rather buy than a hair cut....although, this mentality is probably why I will never be asked to be a hair model.

Alright, well it's time for me to get into the sociology mode and start thinking about gender roles and "sticking it to the man"!

Pouty Pants

Jesse has been getting held over at work a lot lately due to some stupid union rules and other stinky stuff. Last night, he was scheduled to get off at 7:30 and didn't get to leave until after 11. The "boys" and I have been missing him with these later nights. Although Horton and I can handle our emotions pretty well, Abe gets moody.

Forgiveness

I wrote this draft a few days ago and forgot about it....so here it is fully "published" now!

What exactly is forgiveness and how do you know when you have really forgiven? When Jesse and I talk about our time in Texas, this topic inevitably comes up. It's taken us both a couple years to even be able to talk about our time there without feeling extremely tense while speaking, as well as a few hours (or even days) after speaking. While the emotions aren't quite as strong now, I still remember it with a deep, deep sense of sadness. I don't think either of us have really ever told anyone the entire story of what all happened there, nor do all of the details probably even matter. Some of it was self-imposed, and still much of it wasn't. Perhaps it's because of the strong emotion that I struggle to know whether or not I have actually forgiven. I still feel angry when I think of certain events and hurt when I think of certain people. Can I, have I, forgiven in spite of that? And how I can be sure? It's one thing to say it, but if confronted with certain people again, I would be at a loss for words, and would honestly have a hard time speaking with them about anything other than the past. I'm not "over it", but does that say anything about forgiveness? Maybe it's just that I felt there was no sense of closure. I was down, really down as we were leaving, and our last conversation with someone from there was one in which we were told that we were "flawed personalities". I felt they might as well have been kicking an already dead man or pouring salt onto a leper's wounds. I had a dumbfounded look of disbelief on my face when the comment was made, and I find the same expression in my heart today. It's like we left in the middle of that conversation, and have never come out of it. But, there's probably not much chance for picking it up now, and even so, what would be the point? To hurt them back? I don't want to do that. It would really be pointless. So I go on, feeling like it's an open wound that will probably never fully close. Is that okay? Life isn't convenient enough to offer closure to everything. People say there is freedom in forgiveness, and there is, but forgiveness doesn't change the past, or any hurt that is felt. So how do you know when you really have it? I suppose it's a conscious choice, but a choice of what? To not take revenge? To not be justified? To absorb the pain without fighting back? What if in my heart, I want to be justified? Does that mean I have yet to fully forgive? It's harder too, when it's with other Christians. You know, with other people who hurt you, there are so many excuses - "They don't know better." "God will bring justice in the end." A million and one cliches to ease the pain. But, in this case, there are no cliches to comfort my sorrow. And I wonder sometimes, do they ever think about me? It's for certain they made a lasting impression on my life, whether for better or worse, and I do think of them.

N the Little

Last night was our first real night with our Little since the initial meeting. I debate about whether or not to post his name. I don't think it would matter, but just being in the program and all, I don't know if there are certain rules or what. Anyway, so I'll call him N, by his first initial for now. We'll probably be taking him most Thursday evenings from here on out for 4 hours or so. I can officially say that kid wore me out! But I think it was in a good way. Working on a 3d puzzle, eating pizza and Dibs icecream, followed by sprinting around the neighborhood with our dogs, (while trying to keep the pizza and Dibs down), working on the puzzle some more, playing outside with the dogs, playing Hide-N-Seek (yes, in our 700 square foot home), playing 20 questions....oh my goodness it was jam packed. (Well, for Jesse and I at least.) It's funny, I forget how kids view "adults". To most adults, Jesse and I are young, but not to N! We have a photo of us on the fridge that we took about 2 or 3 years ago. N sees it and says "Oh, is that like you guys when you were in your 20's or something?" Were? I'm not even half way in yet! Guess we must be pretty old in his mind! Anyway, despite the exhaustion and near puking up of the pizza and ice cream, I think it was a really good night. After hearing our case worker make the comment that some boys don't want a Big Couple because that would mean they have to hang out with a girl, I have been really worried about what I can offer a 9 year old boy. Last night helped ease some fears though. N told Jesse "I wanted a Big Couple and that's what I got!". His brother apparently wanted one too, "but he only got a Big Brother". N suggested that maybe one night he should hang out with Jesse and another night he should hang out with me, so he can "get to know us seperately", he said. I think he just likes knowing that he has the attention of 2 people instead of one!! That really eased my fears and assured me that I wasn't the lame part of this deal after all. It may still take me a bit to feel fully confident in this, but I am getting there.

Victoria

This March will be Jesse and my's 5th anniversary. Now, I know 5 years in the big scheme of things isn't really that long of time to be married, but I can't believe it's already been 5 whole years! In honor of our big 5, we've been talking about how we will celebrate. It's funny, because I remember when we were very first married living in Tennessee. A couple in our small group was having their anniversary. We excitedly asked "Oh, are you going to do anything special?" to which they replied, "Nah, we'll probably have Dairy Queen Blizzards". We smiled to their face, but mocked them in private, saying we would never be that lame and would always do something special. (I know, we're such snots.) Well, our 1st anniversay rolled around in Texas, and we had just gotten back from leading the team to Nicaragua. Not only were we just tired from the two months previous, but we were also so busy wrapping things up with the training program, filling out student evaluations, and making airport schedules. We said "We'll celebrate later". Well, later never really came. I find that later never does, no matter what it pertains to. Our next few anniversaries certainly served us right for being so cocky and judging the couple in Tennesse, because money was always "too tight" to buy each other presents, or we'd both be working and we'd once again say "later". We had become the dreaded Dairy Queen couple! Gasp! This year, we decided it's time to break the cycle! We have been looking into a 3 or 4 day vacation to Victoria sometime in March. I am very excited about seeing B.C. I think it will be a very good "walking around and looking" vacation. They apparently have a very early spring, so there should be lots in bloom. Plus, bike rentals or kayak rentals for a day maybe...China town...the ferry ride to get there...the harbor...good stuff (or at least that's what I'm anticipating). Plus, Jesse gets a discount through United to a nice hotel right on the harbor, and we all know I do love a good deal.

We had our first "real vacation" together last December and it was a very fun time. I don't think I ever posted any pictures, so in anticipation of Victoria, here's a look back at Florida! (The photos aren't that good because I took a photo of a photo...don't have the original digital file.)

Our Little

Last night we met our "Little". He's 9 (going on 10 in just a few weeks). We went to his house, where we met his mom and our caseworker. Then we filled out agency rules/regulations, all that jazz. And lastly, we got to take him out for a quick 45 minutes. It went by very fast. We went to Winstead's, had sundaes, and asked him lots of questions about stuff he likes. His older brother was also meeting his Big for the first time, so they were there too. When we first got there, one of the boys mentioned Star Wars, and both boys got all excited about Star Wars and this video game. The other Big that was there also knew all about it so they were all talking excitedly. Jesse and I know nothing about Star Wars (nor do we really even like it) or video games. As this conversation is happening, I was just thinking Oh crap. What have we done? We don't know anything that 9 year old boys like. What if we are totally lame to this kid? What are we going to have in common?... and slightly freaking out. One of our biggest fears about the whole thing was finding a kid who would at least be into some stuff that we are, and would actually like us. Most profiles are for kids who like sports, video games, tv...none of which Jesse and I really do, so we were worried about this. Anyway, so it started off a bit overwhelming for us (well, me at least - Jesse can speak for himself). All in all though, I think it's going to be really good. I realized that just because I can't hold my own in a debate about which light saber or fighting technique to use in Whatever Wars Two Something Game, doesn't mean that this kid can't totally have a blast with us, and that we can't influence his life for the better. I realized that he gets his fair share of Star Wars and video games at home, so we can offer experiences that he would otherwise never have - taking him ice skating (which he said he really wants to do..yay!), playing with clay, teaching him how to use power tools (gentle ones at first, of course), showing him how to change the oil in a car, stuff like that, which he is highly unlikely to be exposed to at home. I do struggle a bit with where my place is in it though. We chose to be a Big Couple instead of each having our own Little, which meant that we would have a little boy. So, Jesse's place is clear, in that he has a chance to become this child's male role model, being that he doesn't have a Dad around. For me, I'm still figuring out my place. It may have something to do with marriage in general. Recently, through some of my classes, I have realized that I fight a spiritual battle simply by being and maintaining a happy and healthy marriage. There are few in the world compared to lousy ones, broken ones, or divorced ones. Simply showing the world, (especially a child who has seen everything but), that marriage can work must surely count for something. And I know that I don't even necessarily need to have some grand purpose or do some amazing thing in this kid's life, but still, even in my daily life, I find myself constantly searching for a reason and purpose, and feeling lost and sad without one. I know I can't save the whole world, but surely in my little corner of it, I can make things look a bit brighter. Maybe I am still figuring out how to do that - and especially now, in context of this new relationship.

Stop the Traffik

This is Justice For Children International's Abolitionist logo. I'm on their list of "Abolitionists", and as such, I get monthly e-mails with news regarding issues of human traffiking, as well as ideas for ways that I can take action each month. This month, JFCI is asking Abolitionists to sign the Stop the Traffik Declaration. It's a petition that will be delivered to the UN and different governments after Freedom Day on March 25, 2007, and is obviously set up to put pressure on the UN and governments to take more action to stop human traffiking. If you'd like to join in, it's as simple as clicking here and adding your name to the list. I trust that this is legite, as Jesse and I know the founder of JFCI and totally trust him and the organization.

The Barfing Has Begun

So for all those interested in our dog's diet....which I'm guessing is probably one to none....we finally took the plunge and started Horton and Abe on the BARF diet yesterday. Horton is quite happy about it. I've never seen him eat so fast and happily, and then try to steal Abe's food too. The pic below is of him sniffing all around the floor and trying to find some more goodness. This morning when I grabbed his bowl to feed them breakfast, he stared intently at me licking his chops and wagging his tail. Abe is a little more catious. We've been giving them chicken, with cottage cheese and green beans mixed up. Oddly enough, Abe likes the cottage cheese and green beans better than the meat. The picture of him is his first try at the chicken, which of course, he chose to pull out of his bowl and onto the kitchen floor. Needless to say, the Lysol has been close at hand lately. We are really hoping that this diet will help stop Horton's allergy breakouts. We've heard it's supposed to be great for dogs with allergies and skin problems in general, but I'm slow to fully believe the miracle stories we've heard until we see how our dogs do on it.

The other picture (Sorry it's not very good - I had just showered and was in my pj's, so it's looking through our front window.) is of our new tree and freshly seeded lawn. Yesterday we worked most of the afternoon planting the tree, laying down seed and straw, and watering. The tree is an Autum Blaze Maple. It's supposed to be fast growing and strong. Let's hope that is true. We would really like some shade on the house. The only thing I'm not too sure about is the other plants in the yard. After this tree starts getting big, I will have to transplant a lot of the other stuff, because most of the plants up there are supposed to have full sun. I don't really know what I'm doing, but it's fun digging up stuff and planting, so for now, it's working quite well.

The other happy thing is that we are officially matched with our Little. We get to meet him and his mom Thursday evening. It's working out really well because he also has a brother who was in the system, but didn't have a match either. Jesse and I felt bad that one would get matched and not the other, but it turns out that someone just picked his brother's profile last week, and he is also getting a Big. His brother and his brother's Big are also going to be meeting for the first time on Thursday. We're very happy about that, for obvious reasons, but especially because the profile mentioned that the sibling rivalry is quite intense between the two.

Bigs and Littles

So after Jesse got accepted to BBBS, we were pretty excited and thinking we would get to see some profiles within a week or so. Not so much. We hadn't heard anything for about a month, so I e-mailed our case manager guy to inquire. I know that our "interests" are probably harder to match than some other people's, being that most little boys are really into watching sport and stuff, and we aren't, but there are apparently a few hundred kids on the waiting list, so I figured surely at least one kid would have some of the same interests as us! Anyway, so I e-mailed and just asked if there were any potentials coming up...lo and behold, a couple days later, we have 2 profiles that were done way back when. I think maybe we had been forgotten. Anyway, so we picked one, but there may be a slight schedule conflict, so we aren't sure if it will work out or not. Unfortunately, with Jesse's new schedule there are only two nights a week that we could meet with a Little - both weekdays. The profile we picked said he was mainly open on weekends, but it was done back in February, so we're hoping his schedule has changed since then. Our case manager was going to call his mom to check on the scheduling, and then if he's open, will give the mom and the Little our profile. Then they decide if they accept us or not and we go from there. We should (at least I'm assuming) know this coming week. I think it will be a lot of fun if things work out.

In the meantime, I will be on a mission to revive our front lawn. The neighborhood goes a little like this....green, green, green, green, BROWN, green, green, green... The brown would be us. Jesse was chatting with a neighbor the other day and he pointed to our lawn and mentioned "It gets that way every summer since such and such company came to spray it." I don't know if they overfertilized and burned up the roots or what. It at least made me feel better that we didn't just kill the lawn all on our own this summer. It apparently revives in the fall some, but we plan to give it a good power rake and then reseed to see if we can keep it through the summer next year.