News

Jesse has been putting me to shame with his photo a day stuff, so I figured it's about time for me to blog as well. I started the new job this week. I only work M-W, so I will have the end of the week to focus on my school work and get all of that done in time. I think it's going to work out well for scheduling. The other day when I got home from work, Jesse had the tent set up. It looked cozy in there, so I grabbed a pillow and crawled in. Shortly thereafter, I heard some heavy breathing. Big Abe was peering into the tent and wanted to come join me. He even shared my pillow.

Stuff

Well, I officially start a new job on Monday. Office work at a furniture store. This semester has started off a lot smoother than last, so hopefully I'll be able to transition back to work without any major stress. I'm anticipating the start of Jesse's new full time schedule and looking forward to the switch so that he can have a full night's sleep instead of 3 hours here, and 4 hours there...not to mention less of these random 14 or 15 hour work days. Hopefully this fall we will finally get into a rhythm!

Otherwise, I've been reading up on different trees and bushes. We are hoping to get some things planted in the yard this fall and next spring to help shade the house and give some sun relief to our brown grass. I am sure Horton and Abe will enjoy having new things to pee on! Speaking of which, I'm also looking at pavers or mulch to put in the areas that they have officially designated as their "bathroom". I found these concrete molds that appear like cobblestone, which I'm pretty interested in. It would be a lot more work than just buying pre-made pavers, but it would save some money and could be fun project. We'll see. Also on the list is redoing the bathroom and kitchen...pending the finances...so basically, not anytime soon!

I get more excited to finish my degree every day, partially because that means we won't be taking out any more student loans! I know I still have a while, but it's nice to think about anyway. I've been researching grad programs and trying to narrow down what I want to focus on. Funny, seems like "psychology" is a focus in and of itself, but within that, there's clinical psychology, social psychology, school psychology, psychology with an emphasis in research, blah blah blah. Right now, I am particularly interested in school psychology. Basically, I'd be a psychologist who also studied the education system. I think I've narrowed it down that I want to focus on kids, but I don't want to set up my own practice or necessarily work in a clinical setting. Ideally (at least right now that is), I'd like to work in an elementary school or team up with organizations like JFCI who do after care for the kids that they have helped rescue from brothels. The pitfall there is that often, after care is preferably done by someone of the same nationality and culture. On the other hand, while the education system doesn't particularly interest me, the big advantage of school psychology would be that I would have access to all kids, not just ones who are in therapy or have been "labeled" with a disorder. The downfalls of this, or at least what I worry about if I happen to go this route, is that it is very specialized, which would kind of limit job opportunities. Not every school district has the funding to staff a school psychologist, and I'm quite afraid that if the specific "school psychologist" position is not open, that I would be disqualified for other positions in the district due to being "over-educated" (which, by the way, who even thought up that concept!? How is that possible!?). I have just been hearing from some people that getting a PhD comes with it's drawbacks in that many employers believe you are "over-qualified", and thus won't hire you, even if you want the job. (How can anyone ever be overqualified? You would think that would be a good thing.) Whatever the case, maybe I will end up finding a master's program I like better, or who knows, maybe I will find a job that I enjoy with just a bachelors. Also speaking of this, there is so much stinking jargon in the college education system it's ridiculous! I didn't know what half these acronyms and terms meant until I started back to school. Grad School, BS, BA, MBA....blah blah blah blah...where did these terms come from anyway? Bachelor of whatever...sound like we're all single men.

Life

Do you ever have moments where you realize you are an adult? I mean, at what age are you actually a "grown up"? The other day, I had one of those light bulb moments where I caught a glimpse of something profound, only to have it disappear faster than it came, and I could not place into words exactly what I had just discovered. It had something to do with life and aging, and realizing that my life is actually happening, right now. Maybe most days I keep waiting for it to happen, thinking it hasn't quite begun yet. I guess I feel like I am still flipping around figuring out life. But, I'm in the middle of making my career (studying/preparing for it, that is). I am a homeowner. I'm on my second house in fact. I'm married. I have two dogs and I am old enough to raise children. Those are adult things - very adult things. And here I am doing them (well, most of them - no I'm not pregnant). It's like I must be an imposter. The real me surely isn't prepared for those types of responsibilities, I think. Yet, this person (me) is living life and doing all those thing, which must mean, my life is happening.

This probably isn't making any sense at all, but trust me...it's deep and profound...lol!

Time Flies

Well, tomorrow I start another semester and this break between classes has flown! I thought I would post a quick update before things get busy again. The book review may be on permanent hiatus. It depends how busy this semester ends up being. We didn't take the cleaning job. We actually didn't even go to the interview. The day that it was scheduled for, Jesse found out that there is a good chance he may be able to go full time at United. We won't know for sure until this coming week, but figured it was worth risking the cleaning job to hold out in hopes that the full time thing there works out. Hopefully we will know this coming week for sure. Anyway, that means, I am back looking for something else part time. What else...oh, Horton had his yearly vet appointment and we are happy to report that he is very healthy (well, besides his crazy food allergies). We are highly considering changing to the BARF diet. It stands for "biologically appropriate raw food". Basically, the idea behind it is that dogs were not meant to eat kibble, which contains high amounts of grain, but rather, they were created to eat raw meat and things like that. So, you basically buy chicken carcasses and things like that, and feed that to them, with the occasional smushed up veggies and cottage cheese and such all blended up together (apparently, it simulates eating whatever is inside the stomach of the dog's prey). Gross, I know. But, when you think about wolves and doggie ancestors, it actually makes a lot of sense. We've heard that it can really help dogs with allergies, as well as other ailments. It just may be worth a shot. If it goes terribly, there will always be more kibble in the world to fall back on, eh!? Anyway, that is about all the excitement going on down here. Jealous, aren't you?

Not So Far Away

When you hear human trafficking, you normally think "Thailand", "Cambodia", or other Asian countries, but you certainly don't think "America". Think again - check out this link.

Eye Candy

Thought it was about time for something a little more visual in the midst of my long rantings of gender roles and book reviews!



Jesse got some more new camera toys (courtesy of some very generous friends). This photo, believe it or not, was taken in broad daylight. Jesse had me "assisting" him while he played with his new toys.

Chapter Four

I looked at the calendar today and realized that my classes start on Monday again. Wow, it's flown by. In any case, I figured I better post another chapter. Once school starts back up again, I don't know how much time I will have to blog. Hopefully more this semester than last. I also may be starting a job soon. With Jesse too actually. We interviewed at least a month ago to clean office buildings a couple nights a week. They take "teams" or "partners", so we figured it would be something we could together to help with the bills, but still see each other. Me trying to find a job that fits with Jesse's odd schedule is nearly impossible and when we were working opposite hours, it really drained us, so hopefully this will be a good solution. We have to go in later this week to discuss the details and decide whether or not we want to accept. I think as long as the pay isn't completely terrible, we will accept. I really have no idea how much cleaning jobs pay, and minimum wage down here is a joke right now at 5.15 an hour. We'll see! Anyway, this is a good lead in to chapter four....."How His Need to Provide Weighs Your Man Down, and Why He Likes it That Way".

I think this sentence sums up the chapter well - For a man, bringing home a paycheck is love talk, pure and simple. He has something to prove ("I can take care of you, I am worthy of you") and he wants to deliver. The chapter also points out that providing is a key area where men are constantly aware of the risk of failure. One guy that the author interviewed, whose business is in trouble said "Every day, with every step I take, I feel like my skin is being flayed off." That is a pretty extreme feeling, and seems making money isn't really the issue - it's more of an issue of how not making money affects men. Seems that for men, to be a good husband, a good father, a good man, is to provide. Quite clearly, if a job loss occurs or a business starts struggling, it's not really the money that hurts, but the man's sense of worth.

I won't argue with that point, but I do ask "why?" Did God actually create men with this internal drive to provide, or is this something that our society has created that leads us into unhealthy views? For example, women are now in the workforce more than they used to be, and many are out-earning their husbands. As such, some families are making the decision for the woman to be the breadwinner and the man to be a stay at home Dad. Many people believe this is wrong. But, if the family is really happy that way and it works for them, why is it wrong? Is it just because it's different, so people gasp at it? Does the Bible lay clear lines that a man must be the one to provide or did society? I don't know. I haven't really looked or done Biblical research on the topic. I do know though, that the old go to for women, the "Proverbs 31 woman", is really a description of a business woman. A large portion of the verses are devoted to describing her work, not her home life. I also think that people used to think the world was flat, and people used to drill into skulls of the mentally ill, believing it would release evil spirits, and beyond that, people have done a whole slew of things "in the name of God", which we now look back at, and gasp. But for their time and society, it was the "godly way". I am sure we are likewise, unfortunately, capable of sending message and doing things that are wrong in the name of God. I'm not saying I think gender roles are wrong, but I am questioning if they are truly from God, or something we just made up. Is is really of God for men to feel such pressure to provide and such a great sense of loss and agony if they cannot? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know.

One last thing on this topic...I will be vague with this so as not to give away specifically who I am talking about, but there is a family that Jesse and I used to be very close to and still are in a sense. The husband worked incredibly long hours, and was often away on business. He was nuts about his family, talked about them often, and would mention to Jesse and I, things such as "All this work, all these trips, I'm doing it for them." For him, providing for his family meant "I love you". Interesting though, because when we'd chat with his wife, her comments were more along the lines of "He's just a paycheck. We never see each other. It's no wonder we aren't divorced." Seeing both sides was/is terribly tragic. This man is in love with his wife, crazy about her, yet his expression of love is not really meeting any of her needs, except the physical ones of having a roof over her head, food on her table. Relationships almost seem to be not about how much you actually care for the other person, but about how well you can communicate that you care.

Thieves on the Move

Those darn squirrels are at it again. They've sucked my garden dry - literally, there are no tomatoes left. I got one total this summer. There were at least 20 on the vines. After Jesse got that photo of the squirrel in action, the following week, I saw 4 incidences of robbery in action where the squirrels were running off with my tomatoes. Well, now that they have exhausted that resource, they are on the move again. This morning, I looked out the kitchen window because Abe was barking up a storm. What do my eyes behold, but a tiny little squirrel running from the neighbor's apple tree, up a pole, and jumping into a tree, all the while clutching a precious little apple. I would warn the neighbors, but it's the ones that don't talk to us. No doubt their tree will be appleless within two weeks if these pesky little guys keep at it! Next year, the tomato plants will be in containers on my deck so that Horton and Abe can be the official tomato plant bouncers.

Chapter Three

The author sums it all up at the beginning of the chapter - Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. This chapter really didn't seem like any news flash. Of course men are insecure, as are most people in general. I don't think it's really a gender split as if this is just a male issue. I guess maybe guys are less likely to admit their insecurities, while women will often freely talk about them among each other.

One good point that I do think the author makes though, is how deeply men want affirmation, and often, if they feel like a failure at home, they'll spend longer hours elsewhere, where they feel more confident - whether that's at work, or playing a sport with some friends. The point behind that is that if we want more involved fathers and husbands, then we should be people who build them up. Fair enough, right?

There is a paragraph or two in this chapter that I struggle with. Here's one:

During my clinical research for "The Lights of Tenth Street", several experts told me that a chronic lack of affection is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek - and find! - affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, "All those women in the men's magazines convey one message 'I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.' My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but looking at the woman in the picture makes me feel like a man."

If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him?

Stop right there...that last sentence is the one that I wrestle with. "Why should a man have to...?" Pardon my nit-picking ways, but excuse me? No man HAS TO. It is a choice. I get upset because girls grow up hearing this stuff, just small one-liners here and there, especially as they approach the teen years, and men, to me, get excused for acting in a manner that completely and totally disrespects and degrades women, as well as themselves. As if pornography is a woman-created sin, because wives are not being supportive enough. Give me a break. It's like we're living the days of Pandora's box. I really believe that this line of thinking supports not just pornography addictions, but rapes and spousal abuse as well. They are totally linked. Think about why so many rapes go unreported - the man sits there and tells the woman "It's your fault. You were just asking for it by the way you were acting...." At it's core, the message we are sending is "if she doesn't treat you how you want to be treated, then it's okay to do whatever it takes to make you feel like a man." I understand that affairs and pornography and whatever else may be more tempting when things are not right between a husband and wife, but even so, I think we've got to change the message we are sending both men and women about pornography and sex in general.

That was a bit of a side note...back to chapter three! Basically, all nit-picking aside, the positive message that this chapter sends is that unconditional love, support, and acceptance in the form of both private and public praise will do wonders to build a man's self-esteem and give him the courage to chase after his goals in the home and outside of the home. Again though, I feel like that's not just a male thing, but a human thing.

Chapter One/Two

Chapter one is mainly background about the book and a general overview, so I'm not going to review it.

Chapter two, however, is in my opinion, one of the highlight chapters of the book. The basic message: Men need to be and feel respected. After reading the chapter, and talking with Jesse, I was floored at what some of my comments mean to him, and how they disrespect him. Jesse and I used to joke about this guy who gave us the advice to play "drive through". Basically, you say something, then you ask the spouse to say what they just heard. Kind of like giving your order at McDonald's. The speaker is a bit fuzzy and sometimes, you aren't quite sure if you are going to get the fries that you ordered, or if you're going to end up with a McFish Sandwich that makes you want to puke. For as corny as it sounds, it's actually a good thing if implemented. Anyway, so it's one thing to hear that men need respect, but in my case, this chapter made me see practical things that I didn't realize were disresepecting Jesse. For example, when I say something like "Oh we still need to fix that light on the backporch", in my mind I mean just that. We still need to fix the light, and verbalizing it is like a mental reminder to myself that it needs to be done. The end. Nothing more. Well, apparently, after discussing with Jesse, when I say things like that, he hears (as most men apparently do) something more like "I think you are incomptent and incapeable of fixing that light. Why haven't you done that yet?" Talk about a revelation and bad case of "broken speakers" on both ends! (Oh wow, I forget just how cheesy that analogy really is.) In any case, this chapter was really useful because I'd read examples like that in the book and think What? Why/How would a guy ever hear that? She just means that the project needs to get done still or that a licensed plumber may be more apt at solving that leaky toilet problem. That's it. How is that disrespectful? So, out of curiousity, I of course, turn to Jesse and say "Is this stuff true that it makes you feel disrespected? How?" and we get into a discussion in which I realize that while I don't mean anything by it, to a man, it's like I'm doubting all his abilities and calling him a stupid failure. Now being aware of this, I'm very conscious of how I word things about house projects or wanting to ask where the electrical tape is in Home Depot instead of walking down every aisle searching for it. My suggestion to just ask an employee, to a guy, apparently means "I don't think you can find it. We better ask someone who REALLY knows what they are talking about."

So, in short, this chapter is excellent for learning to communicate better and does a great job at pointing out day to day, small things, that go misunderstood, and in time, can add up to a lot of hurt. When you show a man that you believe he can do a project on his own, with no reminders, and no pointers, it makes him feel loved, respected, and all puffed up (in a good way).

The "N" Book Club

Forget Oprah, man...I am ready for my own book reviews!

Alright, in light of the last post, I have decided to do a book review. My mom mentioned to me a few weeks back that I should check out this book called For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. I looked into it, and turns out, there is also a book called For Men Only by the same author and her husband, Jeff. The idea behind both books is to explore how men and women think (as the subtitle on For Women Only declares, "what you need to know about the inner lives of men"). The authors are Christian, and as I sifted through online reviews, the book seemed highly regarded in the Christian circle. The "results" that are reported in each book come from a survey done of random men and women, which asks questions about how they think, what they would do in certain scenarios, etc. The idea behind the books is to help the genders understand each other, and strengthen marriages (or at least I assumed this much). I got online to reserve it at my library, and turns out, all 10 or 15 copies were already checked out, and many were reserved. Same with the For Men Only book. Anyway, finally, it was my turn to check out For Women Only. I am still on the waiting list for the partner For Men Only book.

In any case, I found For Women Only to be both helpful and disgusting at the same time. If nothing else, I can say this is one book that made me laugh out loud, cry, get angry, and think. Some chapters I found to be profound and helpful and others made me want to vomit and burn the book. Jesse and I had many really good discussions about the chapters as well. So, we'll go chapter by chapter here over my next few posts. If nothing else, I think this will be a good way for me to work through my thoughts on feminism and gender roles. That is actually the entire reason I decided to review the book on my blog. An outlet for myself and an easy way to organize my thoughts since I could just address each chapter individually. In any case, for anyone who has read it, or decided to check it out, feel free to let me know what you think of both the book and my "review" of each chapter.

Gender Roles

I've been wanting to blog about this for a while, but it gets me so worked up, I have a hard time putting it all into words. And I really hate speaking when I don't yet have clear thoughts that are easily verbalized. But, none the less, I will try. Jesse and I have been having numerous discussions about this over the past month or so. Jesse has taken to calling me a feminist, and maybe he is right. I have to admit though, I will wear that title with pride. It all started in my sociology class discussing gender roles. I realized that women's rights are still yet to be fully won. It's proven that women with the same education and experience level make less money than men. It's proven that prospective employers discriminate women and often ask leading questions about family life to see where their priorities lie. Nevermind that a father also has a family, because he is a man, it is expected that family won't be an issue. And those are just the tip of the iceberg. Now to be straight here, I'm not burning my bras or hating men. But, seriously, gender inequality is still a very valid issue. And now that I am aware of it, it's like my eyes are opened and I see it everywhere. One thing that has always bothered me, even since I was a teenager, yet I could never figure out exactly why (until now) is how Christian circles address sexuality and lust. The message is sent to young women that to be a "good Christian" and "to help the guys", you should dress modestly. That message always really bothered me, and now it really makes me so angry I could probably bulldoze over any youth pastor or guidance counselor that I hear giving that type of crap advice. (In my oh so gentle and humble little opinion.) It's as if it's the girls fault when a guy lusts. I think that is a load of crap. And I think by feeding that message to young minds, we only encourage men down the path of sexual struggle and rob women of their own self respect. Yes, it surely must be harder for a guy to be "pure" when he's starting at big boobs hanging out of a tight shirt. However, ultimately, it's his mind, and his choice to go there. Women should be taught to dress modestly for their own self respect. I don't walk around with cleavage hanging out, because I respect myself and I think that I have a lot more to offer the world than a set of hooters. Most women I know with self confidence dress modestly, and most without, let it all hang out. We need to approach the issue of modesty with the woman in mind, not the man. Teach our young girls to love and respect themselves regardless of how a man treats them, and I guarantee, there would be less hooter honking hang out in this world. Beyond that, I think we just set men up to stumble. From a young age, in the Christian realm a man is taught "You will struggle with this. You will be tempted with this." And then, we excuse it away as "God just created men to be visual. Women need to dress pure." Ugh. That is a disgusting message in my opinion. I think we are robbing both men and women of the real beauty of how God created the genders by sending these types of messages. I am going to have to stop blogging now. I have too much to say about this, and I still don't know how to clearly address it, because I feel there is so much that this topic encompasses. And I hate that I am even blogging now because my thoughts are not collected, and I want my words to have meaning - mostly when I am speaking on issues that I feel strongly about, not just be senseless blabber - which is what I feel I am doing now. Okay, maybe in a month or so I will have collected my thoughts better and I'll be back!! Until then, you can bet I will be chewing on this issue more.

Homosexuals

Why is there a separate "gay and lesbian" section in Blockbuster? Isn't that, in a weird twisted way, just increasing discrimination?

Confessions

The other day Jesse and I were talking about the things that we did to "impress" each other when we were dating. It led into a pretty funny conversation about the things that people will do "for love". My confession (which Jesse has known for quite some time) is that I studied Candian geography, politics, and history when we were dating and then I casually worked my facts into conversation as if I just happened to know this stuff. (I didn't want to add any fuel to Jesse's "Most Americans are ignorant" fire, ya know?) Of course, now I don't really remember any of what I studied, except for this - the Candian national anthem became official in 1981. Not too sure why that one stuck.