Chapter Three

The author sums it all up at the beginning of the chapter - Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. This chapter really didn't seem like any news flash. Of course men are insecure, as are most people in general. I don't think it's really a gender split as if this is just a male issue. I guess maybe guys are less likely to admit their insecurities, while women will often freely talk about them among each other.

One good point that I do think the author makes though, is how deeply men want affirmation, and often, if they feel like a failure at home, they'll spend longer hours elsewhere, where they feel more confident - whether that's at work, or playing a sport with some friends. The point behind that is that if we want more involved fathers and husbands, then we should be people who build them up. Fair enough, right?

There is a paragraph or two in this chapter that I struggle with. Here's one:

During my clinical research for "The Lights of Tenth Street", several experts told me that a chronic lack of affection is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek - and find! - affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, "All those women in the men's magazines convey one message 'I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.' My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but looking at the woman in the picture makes me feel like a man."

If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him?

Stop right there...that last sentence is the one that I wrestle with. "Why should a man have to...?" Pardon my nit-picking ways, but excuse me? No man HAS TO. It is a choice. I get upset because girls grow up hearing this stuff, just small one-liners here and there, especially as they approach the teen years, and men, to me, get excused for acting in a manner that completely and totally disrespects and degrades women, as well as themselves. As if pornography is a woman-created sin, because wives are not being supportive enough. Give me a break. It's like we're living the days of Pandora's box. I really believe that this line of thinking supports not just pornography addictions, but rapes and spousal abuse as well. They are totally linked. Think about why so many rapes go unreported - the man sits there and tells the woman "It's your fault. You were just asking for it by the way you were acting...." At it's core, the message we are sending is "if she doesn't treat you how you want to be treated, then it's okay to do whatever it takes to make you feel like a man." I understand that affairs and pornography and whatever else may be more tempting when things are not right between a husband and wife, but even so, I think we've got to change the message we are sending both men and women about pornography and sex in general.

That was a bit of a side note...back to chapter three! Basically, all nit-picking aside, the positive message that this chapter sends is that unconditional love, support, and acceptance in the form of both private and public praise will do wonders to build a man's self-esteem and give him the courage to chase after his goals in the home and outside of the home. Again though, I feel like that's not just a male thing, but a human thing.