The End

I talked with an old friend from Mercy Ships today. Haven't talked with him since our last day there. It's so timely, because last week, I was really thinking through our time there again and just trying to get some sense of closure or some sense of clarity about what exactly happened and what exactly I feel about it all. So, today was a nice test of sorts when the opportunity to chat with him came up randomly. I got to say some things I needed to say, and it ended up being really good. I've come to realize, the only thing I actually regret about our time there was not having the strength to stand up for myself, or not having someone in my life who would stand up for me when I needed it so desperately. I was so young (not that I'm terribly old and wise now), but I really didn't know any better during that time in my life. I took what was piled on me, and I trusted that when the weight was too much to bear, it was my fault, not anyone else's. Now I know better. And all the stuff that happened that hurt not just me, but others in a really deep way, wasn't anyone's fault in particular. There are things that I could have and should have done differently, and things others could have and should have done differently. It's a shame that it all went down the way that it did, but it's not beyond repair, which is maybe what I had confirmed today. And somehow, more than five years later, I finally feel free about the whole ordeal. I really didn't think I would ever have that. It's weird. It's like part of my future is opened up again. I don't quite know how to explain it. I know this whole paragraph is probably odd to most, as neither Jesse or I have shared with anyone the full on details of everything that happened during our time with Mercy Ships, but for those who saw us walk through it in any capacity, I think you know that it killed something in each of us and very radically altered our entire life path. In a sense, it defined so much of us as individuals and as a couple. So, to have any piece of whatever might have been lost during that time back, is very sweet and I find myself having trouble putting words to it...the only way I know how to explain the feeling is by imagining that you had lost something that you loved so dearly - a child, a person - and had made as much peace with never seeing it again as you could, only to have it show up again one day. The return is sweeter than honey from the comb. So this, my friends, is finally how the Mercy Ships story ends.