Here, Now.

As always, December has been busy. Over the last couple weeks, I got all my Christmas shopping done, took finals, met the newest niece in my family (who is already a toddler!), tried some spicy Thai food, gave my notice at work (new class schedule doesn't work with my job schedule), spent an evening with all of my brothers (it has been well over a decade since the last time), celebrated my mom's birthday, dog-sat Riley the nut, and met up with an old friend at an Indian restaurant (good chai). I have had many, many hard laughs, but it has also worn me out! One evening, watching Riley, I decided I should take my life cues from him. When he is up, he plays hard with everything in him, holding not one ounce of energy back, but when he is tired, he puts himself to bed, trotting into the other room, literally flopping down onto his bed, releasing every muscle all at once, and fully giving in to the need to rest. He is 100% present in everything he does. I, on the other hand, seem to have a problem fully giving myself to each waking moment or even fully devoting myself to each resting moment, which I suspect drains energy faster than Riley sprinting across the yard after a squirrel.

It's a Buddhist concept, to be fully present with yourself. Being mindful. I don't claim Buddha, but I welcome this idea, and see it laced through out the words of Christ. How much of my energy goes into mourning past moments, fearing future ones? What I need is mindfulness. After all, where does anxiety, stress and fear come from? Worry. Worry about what? Do we ever worry about the present? Nope, we worry about what is to come or what has been. I had a tiny sore throat yesterday, but I wasn't worried about how I felt at that moment. Instead, I spent my energy worrying about the future. What if this gets worse? What if I get sick for Christmas? All my fears, all my anxieties, stem not from this present moment, but from me putting my energy into other moments. What if I can't find another job when this one ends? What if that person thinks poorly of me because of what I said when they were with me yesterday? I seem to live my life in such a way that it's usually about another moment. I'm here, but I'm not present. I'm so often either anticipating or dwelling. I think a lot of us are, actually.