Buddhism

I've been thinking about this a lot the last few weeks. I read an article in O magazine. Well not so much an article, but an interview with a Buddhist nun. I don't know terribly much about Buddhism beyond the basics, but something this nun said in the article has really made me think. I'll get to that in a minute, but first, most of the article is talking about being fully present and staying in the moment, which is something that keeps coming up in my life the last few months, in one way or another. Actually, in the article, the nun summed it up well. She said I have a passion for communicating that you can have an appetite for life as it is rather than life as you want it to be. And I suppose in many ways, that is the big lesson I have been learning recently. I am learning to be hungry again and to have an appetite. But instead of feeding on the future, which has always been my flaw, I am learning to feed on the present. I also like another thing she said, about not having to be Buddhist to practice this, and about living in such a way that you remain open, that you never come to decide that you are "right", and I wish there was a bit more of that in Christian circles. I know at some point, you hit absolute truth, but much of what divides isn't really over absolute truth. And seeing everything in terms of right and wrong, my side or yours, seems to have a way or making other people targets instead of humans - targets for conversion, targets for destroying, whatever the case may be. Christian realms seem to get so black and white. I mean, the old church saying "you're either a missionary or part of the mission field", that is just setting us up in such a position of "us vs. them" division. I liked what this nun said, she said ...[believing] the nature of your mind and heart is limitless and openness, free of prejudice and bias...somehow leads to seeing the humanity in even the worst people. Maybe that is what we have forgotten, the common bond of humanity, where even Osama Bin Laden is a man, with emotion, who cries, laughs, and okay...devises evil schemes to destroy America. =) But, still, I think the point is, we are all more alike than we are different.

In any case, back to the point of this post, this nun was talking about how in Buddhism, it follows that one of the major causes of suffering is simply wanting things to be differently than they are now. I've really been thinking about that, and it makes sense in my cushy life, but beyond the walls of myself and my rich world, it starts to falter. I mean, I was trying to figure out how you would describe Darfur in those terms? Taking it further, I started to wonder, what would happen if none of us wished things were different? Isn't there some point where we have to stand up and say that things can be better, and then work for that? I mean, I suppose if everyone practiced Buddhism and was all peaceful and lovey, then perhaps it would work, but the fact is, much of the world isn't Buddhist...so is this belief system feasible in the modern world? I mean, don't we need some call for action too? I guess it goes back to passiveness and aggressiveness. Is it enough to just be a peaceful person and do no harm to those immediately around you? Is that enough? At what point do we pay attention to the areas where no one is acting like that? And what do we do about that? Like I said, I don't really know too much about Buddhism (and I may very well be understanding this concept all wrong), but I just find this to be a very perplexing belief, which makes sense in the right context, but makes me further question our responsibilty and actions outside our own world of self. I guess, my real question is, is it enough to be at peace with yourself? It is if everyone is....but we don't live in a world that works like that, so what does that mean, if anything, for this belief? My bottom line conclusion, I guess, is that it has to go back to mercy. Mercy for the victims, mercy for the perpetrators. Like Bono says Blessings not just for the ones who kneel - luckily. Which, by the way, we saw U23D over the weekend and I have been wanting to blog about the awesomeness of it, but I have been graciously bowing down to let Jesse be the one to blog it....so he better hurry up and do so before I snag it up and tell you all about it.

Okay, well these are my thoughts for now that I am wrestling through...and maybe it's better if I never find an answer.

Super Tuesday

It's Super Tuesday, which means voting day in Missouri. I am really torn with this election...I have been google'ing issues and people and watching debate clips for the last hour. I think I decide, then I change my mind. But, I think this is a good problem to have. For once, we actually have a couple of quality candidates! So many times, I feel like I'm choosing between mediocre and mediocre, or bad and worse. Anyway, I have about two hours to make up my mind, because I'll vote on the way to my next class. I will be anxious to see the outcome. This is a really exciting election, and it's cool to be my age and watching it happen. Old enough to understand the significance, but still young enough to see the effects over the next few decades. The only thing about it I'm not looking forward to is the total propaganda bombardment that will ensue after the Democratic and Republic candidates are locked in. Oh well, small price to pay. I'm just thankful I get to vote.

Donate Some Rice

I have been meaning to post this for a while, and keep forgetting.

If you have free time, are bored, or need to kill five minutes while waiting for the microwave or something, click here (or just go to www.freerice.com) to go to a website where you can play a vocabulary game. The best part is though, for each word you get right, you will be donating 20 grains of rice through the United Nations to go to various areas where hunger is an issue. Sitting down for just five minutes here and there can really add up. The vocab level in the game will adjust harder as you get more words right, and easier as you get more words wrong.

Pictures of "my boys"

I thought it was time for some photos.


Jesse is changing the serpentine belt in our car this evening. Becoming quite the mechanic, as last week he changed the transmission fluid in our Passport (with some help from Rich.)




I asked him to smile for the camera, and this is what I got.




Not a great photo, but I had to include them none the less! (Abe had just gotten in trouble for eating Horton's food, and Horton always hangs his head when he watches Abe eat the food that belongs to him...thus the unsure doggie faces.)

Charcoal Should Be Reserved for Grilling.

Top Reasons I Don't Like Doing Charcoal Drawings:

-You can't get a clean line because it smears all over the place.

-It gets all over my clothes and hands.

-Even when you spray it with fixative, it still smears some.

-It drys out my skin.

-It gives me black boogers (from breathing in the dust).

BAH!

Fun and No Fun

Fun Things:

-Tax refund time is just around the corner, which means we are already dreaming of various ways to blow it. (Just trying to help out our stagnant economy, after all.) Our wish list has been growing. Mine includes a new oven and hood, wood to build a pergola, a motorcycle, a new mattress, wood and shingles for a little deck out front, and a new shed. The odds that our refund is big enough to purchase even just one of those items: slim.

-I thought of some kick butt storage solutions for our office, and Jesse, the handyman, has built them. Two dowel-rod type racks on the wall for canvases and sketch pads, and platforms for the doggie beds that have space to put storage bins under. I am finally thinking "upward" with space in our tiny little house and I can finally see hope that the office may someday be organized and decent looking.

-I met a YWAMer in my color theory class! Let the acronyms fly!

-Home Depot has their seeds out, and Lowe's has all their patio furniture out. Can't wait for spring!! There is a kick-butt patio set at Costco that we really want, but it's out of our price range, so we won't be getting it anytime soon (or anytime later for that matter). It has the fire bowl in the middle of the table, which would be perfect, because I've been wanting a fire bowl for a couple years, but I don't want a low one (due to Horton and Abe), so a table-top one would be perfect. We are keeping our eyes out for a similar model to the Costco one, but cheaper. It might be our anniversary present to ourselves if we can find one. I think a fire bowl could seriously extend our deck days in the fall. Plus, I like smores.

-Jesse's birthday is only a week away.

-Last fall, I saw a jacket at Target that I really liked, but it was almost 50 bucks, and I didn't really need another jacket, so I couldn't justify buying it. A couple months later, and I got the last one on the clearance rack for 11 bucks.

Not-as-Fun-Things

-I am well past the two week mark and those lion wrinkles are still hanging out on my face.

-I am having trouble finding Saltillo tiles (for my pizza stone). Home Depot used to stock them, but when I checked last time we were there, I couldn't find any. I'm hoping they were just temporarily out of stock.

-Horton got out of the yard again. Thankfully, he only made it into the neighbor's (fenced) yard.

-I just realized I have a big typo in the heading of my "little predictament" post, ah, and blogger's spell check isn't working.

Rodent Free

Well, 20 traps, 2 boxes of poison, 1 electronic repellant, and 2 nights with my parents later, we are in a rodent-free home. (Or so we think.) None of the traps Jesse set caught anything, but the poison we put outside and in the crawl space got eaten, and there were no signs of new life. We cleaned like we've never cleaned before, and plan to keep some poison outside under the deck (where no animal bigger than a couple inches can get), as well as a couple other strategic places, so hopefully this will not happen again! Although, through this ordeal, I have heard a million mice/rat stories from other people about their battles. Pretty funny, some of them. (Though I'm sure not funny to them when they were going through it!)

More later...for now, I need to get ready for class.

Operation RAT TRAP

So anyone who read Jesse's latest post knows we discovered a little problem in the kitchen. We were talking the other night, about how it's embarrasing to say you have a rat in your house. It's like saying you have lice. It's not really your fault, and in reality, it could happen to anyone, anywhere, but it just sounds like you are dirty. We clean all the time around here. And the kitchen never has crumbs and crap out. And I know the little rat just wanted a warm place, and since our deck is so low to the ground, we can't see under it near our house, but apparently, there must be a little hole big enough to let something in...like a rat. And our kitchen just happens to have an outside wall, against the deck, so when the little rat got in, he discovered that he had found a nice place to make home. I won't go through the updates of what we have done so far to get rid of the beast(s), since Jesse covered the basis there, but I will tell you a story.

The house has been quiet since the electronic rat repellant thing has been put in, and no signs of life near the trap, and no scratching sounds coming from the wall, so we have been thinking we are heading in a good direction. Beginning to feel somewhat relaxed, this afternoon, I begin in on my homework, which involves cutting, so I had the scissors out. Eventually, I decide I'm done cutting, and it's time to put the scissors away. We keep them in a drawer in the kitchen. So, I open the drawer, and lay them down - when I see movement in the drawer. My hand is still in there, when life goes into car-accident-slow-motion, and I see the rat an inch from my hand. Then, life suddenly speeds up again, SCREAAAAAAAAMMMMM and withdraw hand, whilst jumping back three feet and watching the rat run behind the drawer.

Needless to say, the problem is not solved. Thankfully, the other night, we pulled all of our silverware out of the drawers, just in case. I have to go to class soon, but when I get home tonight, we are launching Operation Rat Trap. I'm pulling everything out of the kitchen and putting a trap in every drawer, every nook and cranny I can find, and then I am bleaching the snot out of our house. Rat gestation period = 19-22 days. Mission must be accomplished ASAP.

Pizza Stone

I've wanted a baking stone for a while, but I'm cheap and couldn't really justify spending money on such a speciality kitchen item, when we could still use some "normal" things like new baking sheets or a butcher knife. However, as it turns out, I can get my pizza stone for about the price of the loose change hanging out in our car. While browsing the Internet, I discovered that you can use saltillo tiles! I don't know why this never occurred to me before, because it makes total sense, and is even in the very name of the product...baking stone. They are stone. Actually, any unglazed ceramic type tile would work. So would fire bricks. I imagine I will get a big saltillo tile to use. I know those are cheap. About a buck a piece last time we were pricing tiles. And if it breaks, no biggie. Word of advice though, shall anyone follow me into this....whatever you get, make sure it is unglazed unless you'd like to poison your dinner party. Anyway, now I have yet another reason to make a trip to Lowe's, and once I do, we will have some pizza.

YWAM

The U of N is putting up a new plaza area with all kinds of YWAMish symbolism and what not. The fun thing is, Jesse and I will have a brick in it with our names and the year we met there and everything. This is especially exciting, because now it gives me a really good reason why we should go back to Kona. (To see the brick and take a photo.) Here's the plan for how the plaza will look, which isn't radically different than what is there now, but it will definitely be chalk full of all kinds of new meaning and symbolism instead of just concrete and a circle with flags, which is the current state. I have to say, I do miss this place.

Lions and Wrinkles and Age...OH MY!

Okay, so the other day I was getting ready to go into the grocery store. As I am grabbing my purse and stuff, I catch a reflection of myself in the rear view mirror, and gasp - lion wrinkles! You know those wrinkles that go across the top of your nose sort of in between your eyebrows and they are horizontal and they look gray no matter what? Only some people get them, and I am apparently one of them. It seems that of all facial expressions to make on a daily basis, I choose the one in which my nose is all scrunched up. I call them lion wrinkles because it reminds me of a lion's brow, and they are my least favorite of all wrinkles. Crowsfeet wrinkles look so happy and wise, parenthesis wrinkles (around the mouth) look like they got there from a lifetime of smiles and laughs, but lion wrinkles...oh my. So, this prompted a search for a wrinkle cream. I use moisturizer and SPF 15 everyday, but I decided it's time to bust out the heavy artillery and go for some retinol action. My mom recommended the Avon Anew Retroactive line, which they have created for different age groups, according to skin care needs throughout the life cycle. So, I asked her to order some from her avon lady for me, and it arrived in my hands about a week ago. I have a day and night cream. They say 2 weeks for visible results. Lions, be gone!

Work, School, and Spring

Guess it is time for an update, though I have nothing in particular to say, so we'll just let the ramble begin.

I had my last official day at work last Wednesday, but I was in there again Friday to finish the books, and will probably be there again to do some training when they find a new person. That is good, because we'll need cash until I find a new job. I am looking for an evening or weekend job since that's pretty much the only time that works with school. Speaking of, today is my last day of break. Tomorrow begins another semester. This time I am going to "real school". I've found that in taking online classes, there is a decent stigma, and many people seemed to think that I wasn't really going to school, like I was just writing fake papers for fun or something. I tried to explain to people that I do the exact same work, just through a different venue. Group projects, homework, quizzes, papers, all the same, followed with a final test that was yes, in person. But, only about a quarter of the population seemed to understand that concept. So now Jesse and I joke that I am finally going to real school and I'll finally be writing real papers with real research, and yes, I'll even be making real grades! Since I have only ever been to the testing center at the university (whilst taking those fake finals), Jesse and I went over there on Wednesday to pick up my textbooks and make sure I know where I am going for my classes. Turns out, my classes are all on the top floor of a 3 story building that has no elevator, and no parking lot. This will be a good thing, as I'm trying to lose a couple pounds. But still, I have to question what exactly they were thinking in locating the art dept. there instead of something like English classes. Hm. Most students carry papers and a book or two. Art students carry canvas, clay, and a host of other over-sized objects. So it makes complete sense to put them on the top floor, far far far away from any parking because they will have no problems loading and unloading all their art crap, toting it across campus, and then up a few flights of stairs. (Actually, in their defense the ceramics studio is somewhere else.) Anyway, so this is the big shift happening around here. I'm pretty excited, but the nerves are there as well. I am trying to approach it with a different attitude than I had at KCAI and hopefully I am helping to set myself up for success this round. Worse case, I figure it will be awful, I won't like it, it will suck for 16 weeks, and then I'll just change my major back, go back to those fake classes, and graduate in Dec. as originally planned, (with the art classes filling in some of my electives). Best case, I will love it, wake up excited most days about what I am doing in life, and be so engulfed in the wonderful journey that I won't even care that I am delaying my graduation. By the end of tomorrow, and especially the end of this week, I think I will have a better idea of which way it is going to lean, and I'm rooting for #2. I am really learning that my outlook and attitude are going to be the #1 factor in which way it does go, and I hope that I am wise enough to choose happiness.

Anyway, enough of that. The stores are putting in their bikinis and clearing out their turtlenecks, which makes me very happy because it means spring is on the way! I was pleasantly shocked this week, as I walked out of work on Monday evening, and there was still daylight! I have big garden and landscape plans, which I am just itching to use my Lowe's gift cards on. Plus, I can't wait to see how my bulbs bloom. Jesse's mom got me some tulip and daffodil bulbs as an early birthday present when she was here last fall, then my grandma divided the jonquils that were at my great-grandma's house and gave me some, so we should have a nice show in a few months. Plus, Jesse got me a hummingbird feeder that I can't wait to hang. Excitement over gardens and bird watching...I sound like I should be retired.

Funny

A Little Predictament

So this morning, I get up and realize I have no clean pants to wear. No big deal, I'll just stay in my pj's and bathrobe until I can get some laundry done. So I go out to the garage where our washer and dryer are and I start some laundry. I put my hand on the doorknob to come back into the house, push push...door won't open. I realize it's locked. This lock is special because it was here when we moved in, and we don't have a key to it, so generally, it stays unlocked, but on occasion, the little thing gets turned, and it locks. Hm. This is kind of embarrassing since I'm in my pj's and bathrobe and just woke up, but there is a key hidden outside. I'll go out the garage door, get the key, and come back in through the front door. So I run outside in my bathrobe, freezing cold feet in the snow, and get the key, go to the front door, hoping no one is seeing this fiasco. I get to the front door, put in the key, turn the locks, push push...door won't open. I then realize that last night, I had slid over the little chain lock, and this other little sliding lock that's on there. I can't get in through the front door. The back door - oh no wait, we just put a new lock on it and haven't hidden a key for it. So I dart back into the garage and shut the garage door to think a bit. I know, I'll just call my mom, she has a spare key. Wait, that won't do me any good, she has the same key I have at this point, and besides that, I have no phone. So I sit, staring at the door watching my breath hover in the air and shiver a bit. How long can I wait out here? After all, I can start the dryer to warm up a little. I can put on some dirty clothes to keep warm too. I can just wait until Jesse gets home. Problem is, Jesse is in Canada. Scratch that. I could go to the neighbor and use their phone to call a locksmith. How much would that cost? Maybe 50-75 bucks, and about half my pride seeing as I just woke up, have not combed my hair, have not brushed my teeth or even put on clothes. Beyond that, most of our direct neighbors have left for work. Now, Horton and Abe are scratching and whining at the door, as if to say "Why aren't you coming back inside?" I yell back to them "Hang on boys. I'll figure it out!" So I sit, watching my breath again, and start looking around the garage for ideas of how to get this door open. I'll pick the lock. I find a bobby pin and some other random things, try them all, and have not even a slight bit of luck. Alright, I'm getting desperate. I'm just going to knock the door knob off. It's so silly to have a lock with no key anyway, and we can just buy a cheap knob to replace it. I grab the hammer, and as it turns out, door knobs are much more sturdy than you would think. Well, I guess it's all metal inside too. If I could get to where I could at least see that part.... So I grab the chisel, thinking I'll get it loose enough that I can maybe disengage the inner parts. Chisel chisel chisel...nothing. So at this point, the sucking up of pride, going door to door until I find someone who is home, and using their phone to call a lock smith seems like my best option. I peer out the garage window, looking for signs of life at the neighbor's. All cars gone, so I consider what house to begin with. That lady with the muscle disease should be at home! But wait, she is bed ridden, she won't be able to answer the door. It's awfully cold out there too. I'll be walking around without shoes in the snow, in my bathrobe. Is there some simple solution I'm missing? I glance around the garage, looking for ideas - when it hits me I never really liked this door anyway...and I am in a garage full of power tools....and besides that, replacing the door with a cheapie would be no more expensive than calling a lock smith....and Jesse did get a nice new drill for Christmas...plus I could use the sawzall...



And I'm now blogging from inside my home. When in doubt, use power tools.

0708

I'm sleepy, but I don't want to go to bed for some reason tonight. Maybe I just don't want Christmas time to end, and today, I went to my last official Christmas get-together of the year. And when I wake up tomorrow, it will be all over and time to watch 2008 roll in.

Highlights of 2007:
Our new swing/landscaping
Redoing the bathroom
Gardening over the summer
New "official adult" furniture
Hitting the 5 year mark in marriage
My brother proposing to his girlfriend
Deciding to go back to fine art
Vacation at Disney World
Becoming a vegetarian
Walking the dogs with Jesse

Reasons I'm excited for 2008:
Art!
My brother's wedding
Jesse moving toward "photography freedom"
Possible eco-vacation
My "birthday bulbs" will bloom in spring
Planting in the gardens
Installing a hummingbird feeder

Resolutions I will make in 2 days and then probably never keep:
Read more books
Run a 5k
Lose a few pounds

Resolutions I will make in 2 days and try desperately to keep:
Like myself enough to accept myself
Accept myself enough to live my authentic life

Maybe that doesn't totally make sense. 2007 was a hard year for me, possibly one of the hardest yet. I really struggled a lot, but in the midst of it, I think life got a bit more clear. And as always, the outcome from the struggle is even more beautiful than before. It's like looking into the closet in the spare bedroom. You open the door and see everything all piled up, stacked together. It's not great, but it works and everything is tucked in somehow. Sure, it's frustrating on the days when you want to pull something out and have to carefully maneuver so as not to disrupt the overall chaos and have it all come tumbling out, but overall, the system is doing the job. Then one day, you decide you are tired of having to maneuver. You want to just be able to grab what you need, when you need it, with no struggle. So you decide it's time to clean. And it always get worse, much much worse, before it gets better. In the midst of cleaning, instead of having a closet full of chaos, suddenly it's pouring out and you have an entire room full of chaos. So much so, that you can't believe everything lying in front of you was actually in that closet. But, eventually, you wade through it, and you put things where they belong, and when you are done, not only the closet, but the entire room, is cleaner, more organized, more sane.

For me, 2007 was the peak of the messy part. I have come to realize that much of my anguish in the last couple years stemmed from living an imitation life, trying to squeeze myself into a package that is more pleasing to the world than the truth. I hate to say it's about prestige and acceptance, but it is. I finally realized, the only thing I really mourn about leaving the art institute is the prestige...the feeling that I must be worth something because this exclusive school said yes to me, and waived money in my face, special money, "competitive money" reserved only for those with "exceptional artistic and academic ability". But now I don't have that. So I wonder, do I still have ability now that I have no "proof"? Do I still have ability now that I go to a school who lets everyone in? I have nothing to show the world to tell them that I have worth. And maybe the appeal of getting the psychology PhD all along, was just a search for that proof. Either way, art institute, PhD - a piece of paper on the wall declaring I can be called "doctor", a piece of paper on the wall declaring my art is something to be reckoned with - it all calls out to me, See, I am worth something. I have proof.

But alas, today I have no proof. Today I have no scholarship. Today I do not attend an exclusive school. Today I am not preparing for the GRE.

Today, I have student loan debt. Today, I work at a place with the word "barn" in the title. Today, I have the starts of an amazingly impractical degree. Today, I am just me and I cannot prove that I am worth anything. I have no piece of paper. I have no fancy title.

And today, I finally feel a bit of happiness...but I also won't lie and say the "proof" is no longer alluring. It is. So, 2008 is the year to fall in love with reality, to become allured by my own life and my own choices, to resist the urge to compare, to get to a place where I no longer feel the need for "proof".

Christmas Happenings

Here are a few photos from our Christmas happenings. Christmas Eve, Jesse and I gave each other presents, relaxed, and had some chai. Here's Jesse as he opens his extender mabobber...yes, that is the technical name.
Me (fresh out of the shower) being very happy over a nice set of red corning ware.
Sporting my new robe (and my hair turban, which I have used every day since opening it a couple weeks ago). My other robe is from when I was in high school, so it was time for a little update. Plus, the robe Jesse picked out is made from the world's softest ever material and makes me never want to leave the house or take it off.
Jesse draping himself in his "loot":
Christmas day, we went over to celebrate with my dad and step-mom (and didn't bring a camera).

The day after Christmas, my mom and step-dad, brother, and his fiance came over to our house. We made some pizza and did a gift exchange. We started drawing names to keep the gift craziness under control and it has been working out very well. Anyway, Riley had to come along of course. He is so cute:
Richard drew Jesse's name this year, and got him a corded drill. Jesse was very excited, especially when he saw yellow (yellow=Dewalt brand, Jesse's favorite).
And here's me about ready to tear into my gift from my future sister-in-law (a travel pyrex dish with a case and stuff):
Finally, today I went up to my Grandpa's house and the official Christmas craze has ended. As always, I feel very blessed this time of year. I know some people say presents are out of control and selfish in the West, and they are right to some extent, but I love getting presents! And I love shopping for people and getting them presents! And I find a lot of joy in it all, the way everyone is giving to everyone, even stuff like the bell ringers outside the shopping malls and stuff. It's just a big bonanza of love all month long and it makes me happy.

And now, T-3 to 2008! Jesse will be visiting his family soon, which I know he is really looking forward to. Bummer I will not be in tow.

Here, Now.

As always, December has been busy. Over the last couple weeks, I got all my Christmas shopping done, took finals, met the newest niece in my family (who is already a toddler!), tried some spicy Thai food, gave my notice at work (new class schedule doesn't work with my job schedule), spent an evening with all of my brothers (it has been well over a decade since the last time), celebrated my mom's birthday, dog-sat Riley the nut, and met up with an old friend at an Indian restaurant (good chai). I have had many, many hard laughs, but it has also worn me out! One evening, watching Riley, I decided I should take my life cues from him. When he is up, he plays hard with everything in him, holding not one ounce of energy back, but when he is tired, he puts himself to bed, trotting into the other room, literally flopping down onto his bed, releasing every muscle all at once, and fully giving in to the need to rest. He is 100% present in everything he does. I, on the other hand, seem to have a problem fully giving myself to each waking moment or even fully devoting myself to each resting moment, which I suspect drains energy faster than Riley sprinting across the yard after a squirrel.

It's a Buddhist concept, to be fully present with yourself. Being mindful. I don't claim Buddha, but I welcome this idea, and see it laced through out the words of Christ. How much of my energy goes into mourning past moments, fearing future ones? What I need is mindfulness. After all, where does anxiety, stress and fear come from? Worry. Worry about what? Do we ever worry about the present? Nope, we worry about what is to come or what has been. I had a tiny sore throat yesterday, but I wasn't worried about how I felt at that moment. Instead, I spent my energy worrying about the future. What if this gets worse? What if I get sick for Christmas? All my fears, all my anxieties, stem not from this present moment, but from me putting my energy into other moments. What if I can't find another job when this one ends? What if that person thinks poorly of me because of what I said when they were with me yesterday? I seem to live my life in such a way that it's usually about another moment. I'm here, but I'm not present. I'm so often either anticipating or dwelling. I think a lot of us are, actually.

My First Fondant

Early Christmas Presents!

Jesse's mom sent us a box full of lots of happy things! I tried to get Jesse to save at least part of it for Christmas day, but he didn't like that idea. He did at least wait long enough for me to get out the video camera. (Although he told me I was taking too long!) I hope everyone up north knows that we miss you lots, and talk about you pretty much every day, wondering how things are. The box made us feel very special, like we aren't quite so far away. Thank you.

This clip is Uncle Jesse opening all of the wonderful drawings from Trae and Nate, and the letter from Trae. We loved this part of the package! Thank you Trae and Nate!! We miss you! (Sorry for lower quality. I just exported from imovie and I don't know how to change the settings in it.) Note the nice background music (if you can hear it)! We love the cd's!


A little present opening action here...


Hanging up the wonderful pictures! (Oops, I didn't export this as web streaming, so you may need to wait a minute for the whole thing to load before you can start viewing...it's a short clip though, so it shouldn't take too long.)


And finally, playing in the snow a bit!

Ice Ice Baby Too Cold...

Well, you may have read in the news that there is an ice storm in the Midwest. I was thinking we were lucky, because a lot of people have been without power for a couple days now, and we have still had ours. Well, last night was a big stretch of freezing rain all through the night. We could hear transformers popping through the night, but our power was still on. I thought we had made it, because when I got up, we still had power. But, as I was getting ready for work, I heard our transformer popping, looked out, and the sparks were flying. We now have a power line down in our backyard, and obviously no electricity at our house. (I am blogging this from my work.) From the sound of things, it doesn't look like we should be expecting our power to be back on anytime soon. I am still hoping that it will be back on by tonight, but reality tells me to brace for a few days without it. Other places have said a week to ten days, so I really don't know what to expect for us. Wouldn't be that big of a deal, except no electricity equals no heat equals no freezer/refridgerator for your food (and you can't set it outside beacuse it's raining all over it) equals no logging into my online classroom from home (which is not good during finals week) equals boo hoo hoo. It would be a lot of fun if neither Jesse or I had jobs or school, and we could just stay inside the whole time, lighting candles and wearing many layers of clothing and trying to get creative with cooking methods, but when you still have to function normally and go out and about your usual tasks, it just sucks. Oh well. I've already had two coworkers and my mom offer to let us stay with them, so we may just be relocating ourselves for a bit. Inconvenient, but nothing tragic.

This week

This has been a good week so far. I got about 95% done with my research papers, so most of the work is behind me. Jesse brought me Chipotle (I don't think they have them up north yet, but picture a Subway for burritos, very yummy) for lunch at work on Tuesday, which was definitely the highlight of the work day. It snowed today, so Horton and Abe were very happy to be licking it and eating it up. And, we also got our furniture set up this morning (after trying about 100 different arrangements). Tonight, we had dinner with my Dad and step-mom for my birthday. We went to an Irish place, and I got to try a boxty, so that was my new thing of the day. (I've come to appreciate new experiences a lot in the past year, even if they are small, like a boxty.) Tomorrow Jesse has the day off work (yeah!), which means no alarms going off at 3am on my birthday morning. That in itself is a very wonderful gift. In any case, here are a few photos of what we finally decided on for the living room arrangement.






Hmmm...this one reminds me of something I may have seen before...

Christmas Cards

One of my favorite holiday traditions is making our Christmas card. We started in on it today, though we are behind schedule. (Our other tradition is sending many cards out late.) Anyway, here are a few "the making of" pics as I try to get the dogs to pose in the right way. They like Christmas card time too, but only because they get mass quantities of treats.

Fun Fun Fun

A month or so ago, a very dear friend of ours "donated" a chunk of money to our furniture fund, saying it was needed for our rest and that people should do more nice things in the name of God so that he actually gets credit for something good instead of church hypocrisies. At first, it was kind of hard to accept, because you have the whole guilt of "but this money could do so much good for such and such cause" or "but we already have so much and new furniture isn't a need, just a want". Anyway, our friend insisted and we eventually (very happily) accepted. So, after debating for a while over it, mainly over size issues and arrangement issues, (you can only fit so much into a 700some square foot house), we finally decided and will have nice, new furniture next week! We are very excited, as our furniture history has gone like this: In Tennessee we had a hand-me down love seat that my mom sewed us a slipcover for, in Texas, we had some funky Mercy Ships bamboo furniture that had bugs crawling out of it, and in Colorado, we bought a $25 couch from the thrift store and staple-gunned khaki fabric to it to cover the ugly and stained plaid that it was. Here, we upgraded to new furniture, but it was new furniture as in the "find the absolute cheapest that works and get it furniture" type of furniture, which has served us well for its time. (Thank you Ikea.) Even so, it wasn't exactly "adult-house" furniture, as a friend of ours came over one day and was like "Awesome! That's the couch I had in my college dorm!" (At least we had special cushion covers that were blue that my mom made us, instead of the ones you buy with it). Anyway, so this is our very first "you can actually choose what you like, consider looks and comfort, and get that furniture" type furniture. We have finally entered into the world of nice, new, fully upholstered, fully cushioned, not slip covered, and not homemade upholstery furniture!! I'll take some photos once we have it all set up. For the time being though, you'll have to settle for this description. It's a couch and a chaise lounger in a creamy white color, (which we have decided, we will strategically place throws over near the corner where Abe will rub against it by the window to keep his hairy marks off, but even if it gets some hairy marks, it's special fabric that is apparently super easy to clean stains and what not out of).

Picasso

Oh Picasso, thank you for making me feel like maybe somehow, someway, I could actually do something more than "make the world pretty" with art.

“What do you think an artist is? An imbecile who has only eyes, if he is a painter, or ears if he is a musician or a lyre in every chamber of his heart if he is a poet, or even, if he is a boxer, just his muscles? Far from it: at the same time, he is also a political being, constantly aware of the heartbreaking, passionate, or delightful things that happen in the world, shaping himself completely in their image. How could it be possible to feel no interest in other people, and with a cool indifference to detach yourself from the very life which they bring to you so abundantly? No, painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war." - Pablo Picasso

The Evolution of Chain Mail

I am spending another night baking. Today is Thanksgiving, so we went down to my Grandma's (Dad's mom) and spent the day with them. That is why I was baking the rolls last post. Anyway, tomorrow, we are celebrating again with my mom, so we will head up to her house, and now tonight I'm baking again for that celebration. So, while I'm waiting for the timer to ding, I'll do a blog post that I have been meaning to do for a few days now.

Chain mail is bionic. It has officially reached the blog world. I got a comment on my blog from Jenivere saying something about me being tagged. Confused, I check her blog, and see that the game goes like this: You get tagged. You go check the other person's blog and see a post about 7 weird/random facts about them, along with 7 names below it, one of which is yours. Your mission: post 7 weird/random things about yourself, and seven people on your blog, and then go comment on their blog, alerting them that they have been "tagged". So, I will play along, although I'm not sure if I can play along all the way. See, I don't even know if I have 7 other blogs that I check, and of the ones I do, Jenivere already stole 2 (Jesse and Kendra)...so basically, I don't have 7 people to name...but none the less, I will post the random things about myself and I will say that if I happen to have any unmentioned Canadian sisters-in-law that they should blog more so that unmentioned aunties and uncles can hear about their nephews and nieces and that if they want to play along, I would love to hear 7 things about them and/or their children. Does that count if I say that?

Alright, here we go.

1. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an American Gladiator. (I assume that show didn't air in Canada. It was a show where these big beefed up "American Gladiators" with names like Ice or Thunder competed with contestants in all kinds of physical games like jousting each other out of a circle and stuff like that. The gladiators all had oily, tanned skin, and wore American flag themed leotard/wrestling type spandex and the women gladiators had manly peck boobs and now I think it's really funny that I wanted to be one.)

2. I will not nap in the bed in the middle of the day because I'm "dirty". In order to lay in the bed, I must shower first. If I don't shower first, then I have to wash the sheets before laying on them again. (I know, I know, OCD much?)

3. I love worms and microherds (a.k.a. microscopic bugs that live in dirt). Seriously. I could write an entire post on the amazing feats of these little buggers. They do so much good for the food chain. We owe our tasty produce to them. Do you know what all they do for the soil? And how many types of worms there are? And each has a different purpose in breaking down matter into rich, rich loamy soil? Amazing I tell you. And the microherd, there is a whole other world, a very very complex one, living in just one handful of dirt (provided it's not chalk full of chemicals that have killed the herd). I mean, it's like an entire hierarchy that you could study for decades and still not have a full grasp on the complexities. I'll stop now, but seriously, appreciate your soil and all that lives in it!

4. Someday, I want to buy land and have an orchard and at least five dogs and live in a house that Jesse and I designed with a windmill to provide electricity and a laundry room right off the kitchen with a vertical deep freeze that I can store all my flours in and one counter top surface that is a few inches shorter than all the rest so that when you are kneading dough it's easier to put some elbow into it. Oh yea, and french doors into a courtyard. And a soaker tub with a picture window. And an air purifier built into the central a/c. And a pond with a weeping willow.

5. I'd like to spend a good amount of time in Africa.

6. I do best on about 9 hours of sleep each night, and am extremely jealous of the many people who can fully function on 7-8 (or in some cases, even less). How do you do that?

7. Sometimes, (okay, most all of the time) when I bake, I pretend I am doing a cooking show and I say the commentary in my head. Alright, now the key to cheesecake would be two things. You want to make sure that you've got a water bath, because that's really going to keep the cake from forming that thin layer on top that will dry out and create cracks. And you need to make sure to protect the cake from fast temperature changes, so don't be tempted to open that oven door while it's baking. In fact, just turn off the oven, and go to bed, let the cheesecake sit in there overnight and cool off slowly. You'll be a lot more likely to get a smooth, nice top this way. Que the smile and taste test...mmm....that's delicious, we'll be right back!

Random Stuff

I had many things this week which I found to be blog-worthy, but haven't had time to get on here until tonight. I am waiting for some bread to rise, so I will catch up while I wait on that.

First order of business to address tonight would be neuticals. In case anyone wonders what I study in my classes, this is one piece of information that I learned in PS401 this week. To prevent trauma in pets that undergo neutering and have their manliness removed - never fear, neuticals are here! That's right, fake testicles that man's best friend can wear less he be mocked by that stray dog with balls still in tact.

Staying with the dog topic, is Horton's hundred dollar wound. He had a vet visit today for a sore that wasn't healing and was getting worse. Funny, we were charged
32.55 for his pills. I looked at the label, and it's cephalexin, an antibiotic. Hm, that name is familiar.....maybe because we paid less than 10 dollars a couple months ago for me to take the exact same drug when one of my stitches wouldn't heal after my surgery. We also paid 28.00 to have the vet wrap his wound, which immediately fell off. Oh well, at least the 29 dollar "wound cleansing" was worth it, eh?! Actually, it was well worth it, except Horton isn't so sure. He is worried because blue isn't his color and he will be seeing Riley later this week. Do you think he would cheer up if I got him some neuticals?



Other pictures....

Kneading the bread that is now rising....

Jesse isn't so cooperative when I try to take his photo. He had his hat on backward, but he didn't want to be seen like that, so he did this instead.


I had been wanting to put up our tree for about a week now, but hadn't yet found the time. When I got home from work last night though, Jesse had surprised me by getting the tree up (sans decoration). So, I got to put on the ribbon and balls while listening to our Trans-Siberia Orchestra Christmas cd. I really like that cd. Jesse thinks we need new Christmas music though, as that is the only Christmas cd we own, and every year, I put it on repeat and listen for hours.


Anyway, for now, the rest of the blog-worthy stuff will have to come later. My bread is calling.

Kiva

The holidays seem to bring a time when people start looking to donate money or do "good things". I came across a very cool opportunity (via my O magazine) at kiva.org. The idea is to loan 25 dollars to an entrepreneur in (usually) a developing nation. Your 25 combined with other people's adds up to their loan. They repay it, and once you have your repayment, you can invest in another person's loan (or withdraw your money all together). Of course, there are some risks, but they are pretty well outlined on the site. I think this might be a very fun investment.

Wii

I want a wii. I'm not a video game person, but I want a wii. Jesse and I got to play for the first time a few weeks ago at my brother's. We boxed (he won), then we played tennis (I won), and then we bowled (I killed him). It was a better workout than going to the gym (we were both sore the next day from the boxing game), and certainly much more fun. Maybe in a year or two or three, when wiis aren't so new and popular, and there is another similar system for competition, we will buy one. Until then, if you ever get a chance to try one out, do it for me.

Next Year

When next year starts, and I am actually making art again, maybe this blog will get back to actually being "studio studies".

A few photos

We have a little bunny that has been hanging out by our house a lot lately. Not sure where his home is, but he likes to sit in one particular spot in our front yard all crouched down.

Today I decided that I should try to get some loose projects wrapped up. Cleaning up the gardens and yard, finishing the mountain pile of laundry, and cleaning the house. So far I have not completed any of them, but at least I've started! I liked the way the cherry tomatoes looked all fallen across the bed. Biggest garden lesson from this year: less tomato plants! Especially those cherry tomatoes, they were still producing even today when they got yanked up.

This is the home of a little groundhog family....that has recently decided to put in an addition. Hmmm....this could be a problem.


Funny, Horton and Abe seem to have a hearing problem unless you are holding a bone, in which case, they listen very well. They are pretty funny when you have a treat. Often, you don't even have to speak a command, they will just start showing you all the tricks that they know in sequential order. Here, I guess Jesse is demonstrating the proper way to eat a bone...gross!

Abe gets the biggest bone. We buy cow femurs from a butcher for him. It makes him very happy, but even better, it cleans his teeth really well and we don't have to pay for a vet to do any dental work.

Horton is of course, allergic to beef, so he gets a little rawhide for teeth cleaning. We only give them about ten minutes of chew time, then the bones go away for another day. Today, I took away both of them, and put them up on the table on our deck and went into the shed. When I came out, Jesse was pointing to Abe and asking if I had given him Horton's rawhide....funny how Abe's back legs don't work well enough to make it up steep stairs, but they work well enough to jump up and grab a rawhide off the table.

Catching Up

I have been meaning to blog for a while, so this is the randomness of all things that I have considered blogging and am finally getting around to.

So Monday at work, I am checking this guy out, and I ask for a phone number...haha...I just realized how different/wrong that sentence could sound. I wasn't hitting on him. I was checking him out because he was buying furniture, and asking for his phone number because we ask for everyone's phone number. Anyway, so I ask for the number and he starts going off about how he won't give it to me because he is never doing business with us again and we are racist and he's never seen racism like he's seen in the Midwest and all of this. Uhhhh...what do you say to that? I must have given a blank stare, as in "what are you talking about" because he then explains that the salesman told him it was hard to get credit and "he thinks I'm some poor black guy wasting his time and I know you've got poor black people up in here". Now, I know the salesman, and I know he meant nothing by it, and I know he tells everyone, white, black, blue, or pink, that it's hard to get credit, because it is. Furniture loans aren't like car loans where everyone and their dog gets approved, they take really good credit to get. And I know that I ask every person who pays with a credit card for a photo id because my boss has been ripped off by fraud too many times. I don't care what color they are, I still ask to see the id. Anyway, whatever, so I just kind of apologize, say we didn't mean anything by it, blah blah. But, it made me realize that racism has so many effects. You know, this guy came in and thought totally innocent people (me and the sales guy) were being racist toward him when our actions had zero to do with his color. Not saying I or the sales guy have no prejudice in us, I don't think there is human alive who has zero prejudice of some sort, whether it be racial, financial, whatever. But, I can say for sure that the actions in the store that day had nothing at all to do with color. But, this guy was convinced of it. I am sure at some point in his life, someone must have done something wrong to him based on his skin, and that is very sad. But, he's still living in it and it's like a filter that he sees the world through now, and I just thought that was kind of sad. A normal, every day business transaction, to him, became an issue of race. It just makes me wonder, how can we heal as a nation? I mean, our country has a horrific history in regards to race and some of it still exists. But, if we all live in our old filters, how can we move past it? I have never been confronted with an issue of racism in the same manner that I was on Monday. It was just odd and left me thinking.

Anyway, do you know what else is odd? I've hardly heard Christmas music. Is this because I have not been out? I haven't been much I guess, but doesn't it usually start in November? I mean, I long to hear the annoying Santa Baby song that I hate so dearly. Am I just ahead of schedule or is something wrong here? Where are the retailers in my face? Where are the commercials? Where are the Salvation Army bell ringers who make me use the door on the other side of the store so that I don't have to feel bad when I make direct eye contact with them, but give no money? Where is the chai that I slip on cold nights at 6:00 in the pitch dark? Maybe because daylight savings was later this year, we haven't slipped into our normal holiday routine yet. Or maybe it's global warming. Who knows. But, I want to slip into that time where news shows avoid words like Christmas and Hanukkah and say all things vague like "holidays".

I will say that I am glad Halloween is over, because Halloween has to be the tackiest of all holidays as far as decor goes. Not that faded plastic Santas and reindeer do a lot for the look of a neighborhood, but honestly, who is the Einstein that really thought a fake bloody head would make a nice decoration? Or that cobwebs and headstones make nice lawn ornaments? Seriously people, let's stick to the pumpkins and bittersweet wreaths. And please, please, take down your tacky ornaments now because it's NOVEMBER.

Which, oddly enough, this is a good lead into my next deal (told you I had lots to blog). I am visual person. When I was a kid, I changed my room around a lot. I asked for daybeds for my birthday, or canopy beds, or wall paper. When we were in Nicaragua and would have team prayer time, I would stare at the tile floor, thinking that it really wouldn't be bad if they would just paint the cabinets, and then I'd shake my head, dang it, stop looking at the floor and pray. Every day I go to work, I look at this photo on the wall that is way too small for the wall size surrounding it and the proportion bugs me to no end, and for the life of me, I spend way too many hours trying to figure out how to balance that corner window in our bedroom.

So I'm changing my major. I had mentioned that I was going to keep my major in social psychology and minor in fine art, but turns out, I can't. Long explanation, but basically has to do with campus locations and my "home of record" according to which campus I belong to, and which campuses offer which options, and the university just simply cannot accommodate this combo. So, anyway, upon finding out I can't do this, I spent a couple weeks sulking because my brilliant plan had been foiled and my life was all confusing again. And the conclusion I came to a couple weeks later, is that I need to flip flop, change my major to fine art, and my minor to psychology. This actually works out with campus locations and university red tape. So, the deed is done. I am now officially an art major, and am now officially pushing back my graduation date (cue big groan). So, starting January instead of diagnosing hypothetical people and learning about the DSM (which, by the way, is a lot of fun, diagnosing people and all), my homework will be drawing stuff and making stuff. I like diagnosing people, but it will be more fun to try not to stain my clothes with paint and clay.

With that being said, I actually have some diagnosing to do tonight. My case study is due this week, and I should really get on that. So, I'm off to the land of obsessive compulsives, histrionics, and somatoform disorders for now! Next round, I will try to find some photos to post instead of giving an ear full.

Dogs

Jesse and I know a lot of people in our neighborhood, and we have a good feel for who comes and goes, and which people live here and which don't. It occurred to me, however, that we know all of this information solely based upon dogs, and we have conversations in which we know just who/where we are talking about, all built upon canines. There's "Beagle lady", "Scooby's house", "Stealth's house", "The Bulldog people", "Champ's people", "Dakota's house", "Toto and friends", "Basset Hound house", "Hot tub dog's house", "Scary Boxer house", "Chihuahua and new puppy", not to mention the lesser talked about "White dog on a leash house", "People whose dogs followed me" and "Little dog with older people on the corner".

Good Bye

So our final goodbye to N was last week. It was weird and somewhat bittersweet. My brain has been so trained the past year, that every time I see a "kid thing" going on around town, I think of him. I kept doing that, even after he was gone. I wonder what N will grow up to be, how high school will treat him, if he will remember us when he's grown, and why exactly our lives were intertwined for the past year. I guess those are things we will never know. I do know I'm really happy for him and his mom especially, as I think being back near family is going to be a really good thing for them. N is a resilient and intelligent kid. 5 moves, all to new schools, in just the one year we've known him. Every time, it amazed me how he adjusted, and especially how he trusted. I am sure he had no idea of the complexities of evictions and finances and the toll it all must have been taking on his mom, trying to raise two boys alone. The parallel of adult life and child life in each move made me miss the freedom of childhood, before life bites you and tempts you to become skeptical, before you realize that the world can be cruel and mean. I hope for N, that he can stay a child for a very long time.

Art is powerful.

I'd love for you to check out this website. These are drawings done by children in Darfur while Human Rights Watch researchers talked with their parents. Unprompted. Clicking on each drawing will bring up quotes from the child who drew the picture, describing what they drew. This is happening now. What am I doing? What are we doing? We look back at the Holocaust and say "never again", but Lord what are we doing? I just can't believe this is happening now, as I type, sitting in my home.

A Dog's Day

Today I decided to finally sew our kitchen curtains. We have curtains right now, but I have been wanting to switch them out. I am using our old shower curtain to make the new kitchen curtains, which I think will go with the "new" painted cabinets (still not done) better than what we have now. Anyway, as if I didn't already have a bad sewing/cutting history, just as I pull out the scissors to make my first cut, Abe came trotting over, and made himself at home right on top of my project. He is always so helpful.


Later in the day, Jesse busted out the dreaded hose. Well, dreaded hose to Abe, object of great desire to Horton. They are quite the opposite when it comes to bath time! Anyway, it always amazes me how little Abe looks when he gets all wet.


Shaking it off...


Horton stared longingly out the window during Abe's bath, scratching on it and begging to go outside so that he could have a second bath.

Happy little wet dog... (He wants his Abeula to know that he is nice and clean so that he can sleep on the air mattress with her when she comes to visit this week.)

Two somethings

Something funny: Stephen Colbert cracks me up. If I had cable, I would definitely be tuning into his show. Recently, he has announced his bid for the presidency.

Something new: Just over a year, and our time with BBBS is coming to a close. We found out today that N's mom has decided to move out of state to be near family. I am happy for them, as I think the family support system is going to be really good for them.

Wrestling Through Some Thoughts...

I am coming to a lot of realizations. I realize that I, and pretty much the bulk of Christian that I know, befriend "non-believers", with ulterior motives. I mean, even if you get into the friendship just because you like the person, eventually things seem to shift, and you take any chance that you can to "witness" to them because they are "lost", right? It's the right thing to do, right? - Poor them with no Jesus, and poor Jesus with no soul that he deserves, right? - But, basically, I realize isn't this in reality, just actually trying to turn that other person into you? I mean, making them more like you? More like what you believe? More like what you think is right?


I have to say, I'm so ashamed now that I have realized this and look back on certain friendships in my life. I'm not sad that we were friends, but rather, that I was a very poor friend, all the while plotting how to change them. Whatever happened to that "just as you are" stuff that I heard Christ talk about? Apparently, for a lot of Christians "just as you are" translates to "just as you are, but I hope you change".

Where/when did we ever become responsible for "saving souls" or "leading people to Christ"? Was that really ever meant to be a human responsibility? "Go into all the world and preach the good news" = "Save a soul lest ye die and rot in hell"? Or did we just take that on with such great intentions, and now have basically jacked up the entire facade of Christianity, where not only non-believers feel sickened by the hypocrisy, but also even believers (like myself) feel sickened by it?

Wouldn't people naturally be wanting to jump aboard the whole Christ ship if Christians actually acted like him? I'm not convinced that there should even be a need for "leading people to Christ", for if we actually acted like Christ, then people would most likely be jumping in all on their own. I'm not saying I act like Him and have it all together, Lord knows I really am not good at "following".

Anyone who knows me knows I have been on missions trips in the past, and at one point, was devoting my entire life to it, yet I've come to a point where I really wrestle over the point/meaning/purpose of these trips, and whether they are more harmful than helpful. And, in that, who exactly do they help? I fear they have become just another "fire-igniter" for Western youth groups, for churches in a rut...let's all go to the developing nation to get our annual dose of thankfulness and feel so much better about what we have and "get on fire for Jesus". I know this is not the intent, or the "admitted" intent, but really, in all honesty, how many trips end up being just that? I'm not saying all missions are bad and wrong, that is not the case at all, I can point to plenty that have succeeded in helping people to live fuller, richer lives. Shoot, look at Mercy Ships, though I had a terrible experience there, the organization itself is truly restoring people and I have to thank God for the work they do.

I just can't help but wonder lately if I even believe the Christian religion. (Or for that matter, if Christ himself would believe it), and I find myself cringing to be associated with it. I mean, granted, I know that I have bitterness issues and what not after being involved in "ministry" and living in a "Christian community", only to have some of the deepest felt betrayal and manipulation happen there. So I am fully aware that my view is skewed.

Even so, trying to be objective, while I hear things like the church being about love and forgiveness and acceptance, what I really see is fanatics condemning women outside of abortion clinics, calling them murderers, what I see is people working their butts off to make sure that gay people never have the same rights that they do, and frankly, that one really pisses me off. How can the Christian community exert so very much energy into something like keeping gay marriages illegal, yet barely turn and look at situations like Darfur or the ever growing humanitarian disaster in Iraq? People ask if I am for or against gay marriage or if I believe it's right or wrong, and my answer is that I don't think it really matters. Once every family has a home, no woman is living in daily fear of rape by government backed militias, and no kid is dying of malnutrition or starvation, then maybe we can talk about who's sleeping with who, but until then, does it really even matter?

And I'm sick of the nit picky stupid crap that goes on in Christian circles. I mean, I've heard a whole movement of people who are against the RED campaign. (You know, the whole deal that Bono and Oprah and all these different celebs got in on, where if you buy something red at the Gap or a red phone or whatever, a portion of the proceeds will go to help stop AIDS in Africa.) I've heard various criticisms: that more money goes to the advertising than the charity, that Bono uses the plight of Africans to boost his image, that it encourages consumerism as a "soft" action to make people feel like they are doing something when really all they are doing is shopping and being greedy and still yet ignoring the inequalities in the world today....the criticisms go on and on. And you know what I say SO WHAT? So what if all of that is true? This campaign has reached an entire group of people who may otherwise never give any of their money to any sort of charity. If shopping is what all of the so-called "greedy, materialistic" people do in the West, then what is so bad about twisting that and finding a way to use at least part of that money for a good cause? What harm can possibly come out of donating any, any portion of a purchase to help a country with a major AIDS crisis? What harm can come of finding a creative way to turn mass consumerism in the West into a channel, (even if it be a small channel), of giving to the East? Yet some in the Christian community are whining and boo hooing and hissing on that. Let's say for a moment, these criticisms are true (which I don't think all of them are), but let's say they all are and this whole campaign is just one big selfish ordeal....where is the Christian community that has stepped up and shown all the world a better way of helping? It's like people who complain about the President, but never get off their butts and vote. No vote cast = no right to complain in my book.

Jesse and I visited a church (this was over a year ago now), but in it the pastor started talking about how people are so loosey-goosey with their beliefs, and anything goes and what not, and how "BEAU-NO" promotes this by saying stuff like "I just go where the Spirit leads". And how "BEAU-NO" is a bad influence. Ahem. Jesse and I just looked at each other, and knew at that point, we'd never be back to that church. First, if you are going to criticize someone, please at least learn to say their name right! (The pastor was referring to Bono.) And quite obviously, if you don't even know how to say his name, you have probably not done your research on his lifestyle or belief system. But, it's stuff like that, ya know? And yes, here I am being a part of it, criticizing away and spending a half hour typing instead of I don't know, something holy, like praying. So go ahead and judge me, and then I can judge you for being so judgemental. And then we can both set up causes to help other people, and then we can bad mouth each other's causes. Yes, indeed, I think we have found the heart of Christ here. Amen.

Okay, sarcasm aside, let me just say one more thing, while I am sickened by much of what I see done "in the name of Christ", thankfully, I also know a handful of people who have helped me to know a little piece of Christ in them. And for them, I will be forever grateful, because they were people who accepted me just as I am, cynicism and crankiness included.

No Mas Español!!!

Whoo hoo! I just finished up my very last Spanish assignment, which happened to be the very last thing left to do this semester. Another one bites the dust...yippie! I took finals yesterday, and grades have to be posted on Monday, so we'll see how I did at the start of next week. One week off until it's back to the books. Next semester I have abnormal psychology, intro to the visual arts, and some principals of management class or something like that (required for the psych curriculum). For now, it's off to the gym, to get some groceries, and then clean the house. Hasta la vista.

Things

Things which suck today:

I think the insurance company may deny my surgery claim.

Abe stepped in his own juicy poo and I have paw-print shaped blobs of crap all over the house.

Things which don't suck today:

The weather is amazing.

A book I had on hold at the library for over 2 months finally came in.

After I mop (see "things which suck today"), the house will smell lemony-fresh.

The Dentist

I am leaving to go to the dentist in about 30 minutes. I think I might have a cavity or a slight crack in one, maybe two, teeth. Not so good. For the record, I'm blaming corn nuts.

A Guest in the Garden

I have very very seriously neglected the gardens the last month, okay, maybe two months. I realized tonight that although they are all still making fruit, I need to chop it all down. It's too overgrown to really get the fruit, and I've let too much of it start to rot on the vine anyway. So, I started hacking away tonight, and discovered that something is living under one of the beds. Not too sure what....at first I was worried that maybe it's a snake, but now I don't think so. I found three holes and they definitely look like something had to dig them out. They go very neatly and nicely under the bed. I felt kind of guilty pulling all of the tomato vines off, as the holes were very clearly made under the heaviest of coverage. I just destroyed some little animal's threshold. I hope it's not something that I will have to chase off. I don't have the heart to kill whatever it is, even if it's something "bad". I found a handy little guide online, and thankfully I have ruled out rats. My guess is a possible groundhog, as I found this description online "hole 6 - 10 inches in diameter, dirt mound four inches high, near garden or barn: groundhog"...the hole is hard to measure, but I took a ruler out there and all three are 5-7 inches wide. Dirt mounds range from about 2-4" high. And I read somewhere else that groundhogs always make at least 2 entrances into their nest, so it would make sense that all three holes are one groundhog family. Hmmm...for now, I will ignore these holes, and as long as no major issues arise, I will let whatever little critter live in peace. So please, little creature, be good, so that you can keep your nice little home.

Horton

Of all the places to sit in the backyard, I guess Horton thinks my lap is best.