Thanksgiving Break

I had some time off work for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful! There is so much to be said for a break, for getting away, for fresh perspective. I did a lot of driving by myself... a couple hours south to see my Dad's side of the family, an hour north to see my mom's side, and a day to see my "immediate" (for lack of a better word) family. Jesse has to work most holidays so he didn't tag along for a lot of the festivities, but I did get to see him a lot around the house, which was nice. A few pics -

My Grandpa.

I kid not when I say I don't know who a lot of these people are, but apparently, we're related. (This was a combined Thanksgiving/Christmas since it's so hard to get everyone together with scheduling.)

I started working on some holiday gifts in my new little "art corner" of the garage. Love, love, love, having a designated space!

Got the house decorated for Christmas! I always smile when I pull this stocking out of the box. My mom got it for us back when we had just one doggie, Horton. He looks so cute and young in the photo, I can never bring myself to replace it with one that has all the current doggies in it.

Also put up a little tree.

Officially Christmas season!

Saturday

Today has been great! The only downside is that it always goes by too fast when the weekend rolls around.

Jesse and I went to get some zoo manoo from a friend this morning so that we could do some work on the gardens and get them all "tucked in" for winter. They keep chickens at our friend's place, so I had a lot of fun petting them and checking out their little coop. I realized today I've never held a chicken before. They are actually pretty snuggly little creatures. (Although one of them did poop all down the front of my hoodie.)

Anyway, after the chicken escapade, we came home and got the gardens layered up with poo, leaves, mulch and good stuff like that. We ate a quick lunch together at Chipotle and then Jesse headed to work. I decided to stick close to home and try to get some things done around here. I have been searching thrift stores for a chair to go in the garage at my art desk. Thanks to my mom, the search is over. She had an old chair in her classroom that she never uses, so she passed it along to me and I gave it an aqua blue facelift this afternoon. It's funny; I actually remember this chair from when I was a kid and used to walk down to her classroom after school was over. Now it's in my house! It is perfectly ideal for what I had pictured in my mind.

We are getting close on the garage. Mainly it's just details (like the chair) left. The only biggie still to do is getting epoxy down on the floor, but I think Jesse plans to do that on Monday because he's on school break next week. Hopefully that means I will have completed "after" photos to post soon!

Potentially Pragmatic

With my birthday just around the corner, I am coming upon my final year to enjoy the 2 prefix. I guess it has made me do some reflecting on the last decade. A lot has happened. I moved a dozen or so times. I got married. I bought 2 houses. I adopted 4 dogs. I got a degree. I made friends in the Philippines. I, with my Canuck, was entrusted to lead 30 people around Nicaragua for a couple months (by the way, in retrospect - what the crap?!).

I guess this decade has been about searching. Searching for my purpose, my passion. I have tried to 'follow my heart' as they say, and though it has given me a whole lot of good stories, it's probably questionable whether or not it led me astray at times. Then again, it could very well be that I am just now coming to know my own heart. That is probably the true crux of the issue.

I was browsing some design sights online the other day and came across a quote a woman had painted in her craft room:

She believed she could. So she did.

It kind of hit me at that moment - why have I become so gun shy in attempting things? I used to be pretty adamant about giving anything a try at least once; and pretty much any idea I ever had, I chased in some capacity. No matter where. No matter when. I remember a late night conversation in Kona in which I told a friend of mine that I felt like the world was at my fingertips; I could go anywhere and do anything. I had such a keen sense that the world was full of possibility and promise. Over the next few years, most of my "tries" did not work out the way I had intended. So I guess I woke up one day, and upon realizing my track record, decided to approach life more practically. Does this pay the bills? Is this likely to work out? Is there a high chance I will succeed here? Is this.... safe....comfortable?

And now where do I find myself? Safe. Comfortable.

And totally bored.

So, while the last decade was about searching, maybe the decade ahead will be about refining. I have lived from the passion of possibility, and I have lived from the pain of the practical. Neither way is good for the soul. There must be some mingling of the two. Thus, the chore ahead of me is to mediate between the potential and the pragmatic.

And what better time than this? My past searching - successes and failures - has finally given me a firm grounding in who I am. I know what makes my blood boil and I know what makes my eyes light up. I know how I manage my resources and I know what breathes life into me (and what sucks it out).

Reflecting on this the last couple weeks has brought clarity. Clarity has brought courage. I am ready to try a few new things again; only this time, I'll probably jump with my eyes wide open instead of shut tight.

Our Week

We worked on the garage a lot last weekend. The walls are pretty much done...need to finish painting the ceiling and get the epoxy down on the floor. After that, it's just organizing and cleaning. It was kind of sad when we were working on it. Jesse pulled the shelves out and laid them in the driveway, so I was working in the front yard painting them. From there, I could hear our neighbors having a really big fight (not the first time this has happened). They yell so loud that you can hear what they are saying through all of their walls - closed windows and doors. It's always kind of sad, but it was exceptionally bad this time, because eventually the argument turned into crying. I could hear both of them sobbing. It was just heartbreaking. It was the sound of that delirious, hopeless cry where the pain is all consuming. It was an odd day I guess - I'm outside enjoying the beautiful weather and working on something trivial in my house, and ten yards away two people are in emotional anguish in theirs. It made me think a lot about kindness, about neighbors, about life in general, though I have yet to come to any conclusions.

Anyway, here's some of the work...

This week, Jesse's mom was in town. She surprised us with an "early Christmas" since we don't get to see that side of the family very often during the holidays. It was a lot of fun. The dogs also really enjoyed having company. (What could be better than 2 more hands, just ready and waiting to pet them??) Bean took a minute or two to realize that he didn't need to be scared, but once he realized that, he got to business giving out kisses and thumping his tail. I was somewhere in between healthy and sick all week, so I did a lot of party-pooping and sleeping while she was here.

This weekend brings the realization that I have a ton of yard work to do. In fact, I'm slightly embarrassed at the state of our yard. We have plywood and all kinds of junk sitting in the driveway from when we were working on the garage, and I've got leggy zinnias in the front yard still hanging on despite the chill in the air, honeysuckle that needs to be tamed, and a number of other issues. That is only out front...the back yard is a whole different mess, courtesy of three dogs. I don't know what we will do with that - I think we might need to look at putting some pavers in.

Sunday Jesse is doing another trail race. I am hoping I can go too, but I guess it will depend on how much of the yard gets tamed before then!

In any case, being it's November, the holidays are just around the corner and that makes me happy. The perfect season for baking, holiday crafting, annoying cds on repeat, and celebrating life. I leave you with a shot from the surprise stockings from Jesse's mom. (Monkey was pretty sure that one belonged to her.)

My Pups

Sometimes, I forget that I have never had a real conversation with my dogs. I feel like I know them, like the kind of friend who you can sit in silence with and just linger in the breath and space. Something is shared in that moment, though I don't think any of us can quantify what exactly "it" is. This is the kind of bond I feel with my dogs. I think it's a bond that all humans and animals are capable of; it's generally just a matter of whether or not we choose to enter into this type of communion.

I came across a blog from a woman who had lost her cat of 15 years. I saw my own emotions in hers - deep, deep sadness, and overwhelming gratefulness for having been blessed with the animal.

We passed Abe's one year mark last spring, and I had some bittersweet days, thinking how much different things are around here now. I miss the peace and calm of the "Horton and Abe" days, but I also love the life and laughter that Monkey and Bean bring.

I still cry about Abe sometimes. I still wish I could have done better for him, but mostly, I am just so grateful. My life has been utterly enhanced by having known him, cared for him, loved him.

I know some people think people like me are just weird, abnormal animal lovers. Maybe that's true, but I don't see it - whether that is because I'm just that weird, or whether because it's not true, I have no idea. But as far as I'm concerned, I feel sad for the people who never get to experience the bond that you can have with a species that is not your own. When words fail, something else has to step up, and when it does, it's a beautiful understanding that you can always fall back on.

Each of my dogs is large enough that, if they so chose, they could probably kill me, if not at least put me in the hospital for a few days. I don't know at what point it happened, but somewhere along the line, we chose to trust each other. They sleep beneath my feet, bellies exposed, and I routinely let them nuzzle my neck and face, sure that they would never choose to bite.

It's the moments of mountains and oceans; the times when you realize how very small and frail you are, yet the beauty of the scene won't let you feel anything but awe, even in the midst of your weakness.

So weird or not, I continue to be grateful for the privilege of caring for three cast offs that someone else didn't want. To the person who moved to California and decided half way into the trip that Horton wasn't worth keeping, to the one who let Abe get away, to the family who dipped Monkey in pesticides and let her starve, to the man who abused Bean, cut off his tail, and then dumped him in the country, I say, I'm sorry that you're missing out on some of life's greatest joys. And to my misfit dogs, thanks for giving me all of this -

The feeling that I am utterly loved and desired. No matter if I've been gone for five minutes or five hours, I am always worth getting up for. I am always worth running toward. I am always worth wagging tails and doggie smiles... We're so glad you're home! We've missed you so much!

The strength to forgive. If they can be resilient after having been abandoned, hit, and starved, then surely I can let go of my past, too.

The inspiration to approach, accept, and value. Every being - two legged or four - is worth a greeting, an inspection, an approach.

Comfort in my own skin. I am always me to the dogs, whether I am dressed up in hairspray and high heels or tank tops and t-shirts. They know my true scent, no matter what lotion or spray I cover it up with. There's a deep sigh of relief in knowing that some other being sees me and only me - not my clothes, my car, my house, my job - just me.

Garage

The garage is coming along! As you know, it's been a very slow process. The summer was busier than anticipated and this fall has been non-stop crazy. Nonetheless, we decided we really want to get this project wrapped up before winter arrives.

I think I finally have a bit more motivation, because we are getting to the fun part of painting and getting everything organized and arranged. Jesse is very gracious to me when it comes to decorating and lets me do pretty much whatever I want as long as I make sure that pink and/or flowers are kept to a minimum.

Most of our house is very earthy and neutral which seems to suit us well. But, since the garage is in many ways its own entity, I decided to deviate quite a bit. I chose a color called "frolic". It's loud, obnoxious, and slightly uncomfortable. Somewhere between a yellow neon highlighter and pukey pea soup. Our garage is basically our gym, our work room, and our laundry area, so I want to create a space that makes you want to get up and move. Anyway, since painting one wall in the garage, I have been debating if I still want to keep on track with this crazy color. Tonight I decided I do, when I opened up the garage, half forgetting there is now paint on the wall, and it made me happy and smiley because it's so darn bright and cheery in there. It's kind of a slap in the face coming from the contemplative tone of the rest of the house, but a good slap.

However, I realized tonight that if we are going to make it work, I need to have a big picture plan. So I got out my trusty crayons and drew like I was in kindergarten again. This is my plan; frolic on the walls, white shelves, aqua blue paintings, and some hot orange tossed in for good measure. The idea is that after it's all said and done, the gray and black of the treadmill, tool chest, and other random manly things will tone it all down. We'll see. It could fail miserably. But, I figure, it's the garage...not like I'm decorating our living room in neon. So, this is my plan:

And this is the first "frolicked" wall:

I am hoping to have a productive weekend, so with any luck, I will have more photos to post soon.

Eating & Running

A few photos from the last couple weeks...

Our plans for Canadian Thanksgiving were up in the air until last minute, since we weren't sure what Jesse's work schedule would look like. He ended up getting the Saturday before off work, so we decided to go to Weston for the day. Jesse wanted to get in a run at the state park and I had been wanting to buy some mums at one of the little farms there for quite a while. It was a fun day that went by really fast. My parents treated us to lunch at one my favorite restaurants in town and the weather was insanely perfect.

It happened to be Irishfest while we were there, so Jesse and I decided to walk down to the festival that evening and hang out for a bit.
We didn't stay too long, as we are not much for hype. We just basically peeked in, then kept walking around town.
When the actual holiday rolled around, I had to go to work, and Jesse had to go to class. We had a quiet dinner with just the two of us that evening, and it ended up working out well. Since it was the week leading up to his marathon, I knew he wouldn't want to eat a big meal or a lot of sugary desserts, so we went with lots of veggies and no dessert - not exactly the type of meal you'd like to serve at a big party. =)

Anyway, while Jesse was preparing for the marathon with long runs and a strict diet, I was busy deciding what to wear to help support him. I decided to make a shirt especially for him. It was nice and cool the morning of the marathon (for spectators at least - I'm sure it was a touch on the warm side for the runners), then turned into wonderful weather for post-race activities.

I think most of you know, but Jesse's goal for this marathon was to qualify for Boston, which meant he needed to come in at 3:10:59 or less. I was sure he had it in the bag, as he had logged plenty of 20 milers in his training and was well suited to keep a 7:14 or less average mile. (In fact, he can actually hold a 6 something mile with relative ease.)

Race day came and Jesse left the house bright and early. I got up a bit later, took care of the dogs, then headed to the race and walked around for a while trying to find the best spot at the finish line. When the marathon clock flipped to 3 hours, I had my camera out and ready, sure I'd see Jesse pop over the hill at any second. As it crept closer to 3:10, I was so full of anticipation, ready to see him slide in right at the deadline. When it flipped past 3:10, my heart sank, as I knew Jesse was either hurt or sick. Since I had no way to contact him, I stayed where I was, watching for him, and pulled my phone out of my bag, knowing that my contact info was on his bib.

I was thrilled and relieved to see him pop over the hill at 3:20 something (clutching his stomach in pain). Even though I was happy and proud, I knew he would be crossing the line feeling frustrated and disappointed. I cheered him as he ran past, then headed down to the shoot to meet him after he got some fuel.

His splits tell the story perfectly: At mile 9.3, he was 11th in his division, averaging a 7:04 mile - well on track for a BQ. At mile 19.8, he was 9th in his division, and his average had picked up to 7:02. Between there and the finish....oof. At mile 20, he got what he described as "the worst cramp of my entire life", and ended up having to walk/run it in. I was so bummed for him, yet with a 3:28:34 finish, he still did awesome! I honestly wasn't sure if I should greet him at the finish with a huge, proud smile, or my condolences. From my view, there was nothing but pride and happiness, but I know Jesse well enough to know that he would first be crushed by not meeting his goal before he would be able to give himself credit for the incredible accomplishment.

Anyway, I met him at the end of the chute, and we walked for a bit, as he processed the race and stretched. Check out those compression socks!

I told him he needs to get a blank technical shirt so that I can make him a corresponding shirt, letting everyone know that he is, indeed, a fartlekking Canadian.
I'm sure you're not really supposed to be in the fountain, but really...who cares?
And finally, some of his other fans out to show their support!

All in all, it was a good day, even if Jesse's initial reaction involved the f bomb.

Life As It Is

One thing Jesse and I have talked a lot about over the past year is the idea that you create the life you want. I think we (the universal we) have a tendency to wait for the right circumstances or object, thinking it will make us happy or healthy or fill in the blank. I know for certain I have lived in this mentality. If we had more money.... When I get a better job... If we lived there... But the truth of it is, if you aren't happy now, you probably never will be, no matter what great circumstance comes your way.

I think this realization has brought us both a lot of peace and contentment. (And hard work, too!) But, it's fulfilling work. Sure, circumstances are not exactly as we would wish they would be. We'd love it if we lived in a more active community, with sidewalks, trails, and mountains to hike on the weekend (or a lake to kayak in!), cash flow still frustrates us at times, and my job routinely leaves the creative side of me frustrated.

But, I think it's pretty safe to say that we are generally head over heels with our lives as a whole.

I told Jesse the other night, I want to be worthy of my stuff. By that, I mean that I want to respect the cards life has handed me, even if they aren't the ones I would have chosen. I may not have a hiking trail out my back door or sidewalks in my neighborhood, but I do have a paved road and I can make excellent use of it walking my dogs. Sure, I'd rather walk them in a safer place without fear of cars, but this is what I've been given right here and right now, and I want to respect it and appreciate it.

When we lived in Colorado, I don't think I knew what we had. I took it all for granted, and in many ways, showed no respect for my own life. Miles and miles of trails and sidewalks all through our neighborhood, a dog in the backseat of every fourth car in our little town, amazing rock climbing just a hop and a skip away, the world's greatest boss wooing me to stay at my job, and a community that I adored. But, I was pretty much blind. I didn't get how very grateful I should have been, and how very kind and beautiful our life was.

Now, I feel like I'm starting to get it. Hindsight is of course, 20/20 and many days I wish I could go back and tell the 23 year old me to stay put and suck the marrow out of life right where I was. Since I can't do that, I'm instead looking at what I have now and trying my best to scale every inch of life just as it is - imperfections and all. I imagine it's human nature to always want more, and I do - we have many dreams for our future. But, you know what? If nothing much changes, I'm still going to be happy because I find some sense of peace in knowing that I have created the most ideal in the situation I'm in - whether it's a good one or a bad one.

I guess that's easy for me to say in a lot of ways, being that my life is pretty easy in light of world issues. But, one of the wisest things I've ever heard said is: Out of respect for those who have nothing, I will be grateful for everything. And I think more and more each year, I begin to learn what that really means and what it really looks like.

It's caring for my little 4x8 gardens with everything I have, even though I'd really like a few acres and a full orchard instead. It's walking around on paved trails by the river and noting each sight and sound, even though I'd really like an ocean instead of a river. It's sniffing my wonderful honeysuckle vine and remembering how blessed I am that I got to live in Kona for a year - and then pausing to remember how blessed I am that I get to live here, now. With rolling green hills, lighting bugs, and muddy brown rivers. The scenes are different, but they are each beautiful in their own right. No more do I want to be blind to what sets before me.

I remember in Kona, the last room I lived in was at the very top of campus, on a hill. One wall was basically a giant screen with wooden louvers. At the time, I was dealing with a lot of heavy issues and confusion, but what now stands out to me most about that time of my life are a couple brief moments and memories. Maybe my favorite - one morning, standing alone in my room, looking out the screen wall, the faint sound of the waves, the sea breeze so gentle and soft by the time it reached me, the bay making a pattern of white crests, and me thinking to myself, God, if nothing else in my life is right, this is beautiful perfection. I am so lucky to be here, right now. It was a moment of total clarity I guess. I saw what I had, and all I could feel was content and peaceful, despite days leading up to that moment, when I had felt hardly anything except confused and unsure.

Now, I find myself wanting to live my life from that place, that moment of clarity - when none of my circumstances changed, none of my issues were resolved, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I was blessed.

Mish Mash

No point to this post, just a mish mash of random that doesn't flow at all.

Jesse is in taper mode on his training. Just a little over a week and he should be a Boston qualifier! I made a special shirt to wear to cheer him on and plan to look as Canadian-y as possible. You'll see.

Our neighbor tried to give me 2 puppies. He found them running loose in his front yard, and I guess since he knows I like dogs, he thought it would be perfectly acceptable to knock on my door, show me the puppies, say "Here, take them", and walk away. Not cool. Thankfully, it all worked out. The lady across the street had recently adopted them, and the pups dug out of their fence.

I'm reading A People's History of the United States. I've been wanting to read it for quite some time. It makes me cry. It makes me ask a lot of questions. It might warrant its own post when I finish.

Finally, in keeping with the mish mash, here's three totally random photos from the summer. Jesse became a Stream Team Volunteer, I got to practice my mudding skills, and Jesse ran (a lot).

What's Up

Thought it was time for some light hearted "what's up" stuff, though I am probably only half way out of my over-tired-reflective-can't-believe-another-one-of-the-shelter-dogs-died-this-week-why-is-earth-so-cruel-am-I-a-terrible-person-what-is-this-life-all-about mood.

So, let's begin! What's up?

Well, as mentioned, we lost another shelter dog. That may have been the funk that spurred yesterday's post. It has been a cruel summer there. The last interaction I had with this dog was me head locking her and shoving pills down her throat. I did, and still do, feel like a class-A jerk. My touch wasn't healing or helpful. It was forceful and cold, as I rushed around on a short-handed evening trying to make sure every dog got what they needed. I'm so, so, sorry, pup. You deserved better than what you got.

This has all spurred reflection over motivations and intentions vs. actual outcomes. And mainly, I just feel like a jerk wad questioning all the times in my life I thought I was helping, when in reality, I just made things worse. And of course, in my mind, this is all so very intertwined with faith and religion, so all those grand cosmic questions are floating around in my heart the last couple days. Do good intentions really matter if the outcome is just crap? If so, then isn't nearly everyone a saint? I mean, for goodness sake, suicide bombers have good intentions. But, if good intentions don't matter, then aren't most of us screwed by our actions? Most of us change the way we think over the course of our life, so why would we ever be sure of anything? Including our intentions or our faith?

Wait a sec - this was supposed to be a light hearted post. Let's try this again.

Ahem......what I meant to say was:

Jesse is T-4 weeks to marathon! Looking forward to seeing him cross the line once again.

I spent my (early!) morning setting up for the shelter's biggest annual fundraiser and then watching it all come to life with people and dogs all over the place. Overall a success, though apparently, at some point, our group had a run in with the girl scouts. I had to chuckle as one of our volunteers asked me "How bad is my karma that I can piss off girl scouts?"

Earlier this week, I was on a staff retreat at a lake in Arkansas. I wish I could fill more days hanging out on the water, tubing, swimming, enjoying the fun that is boats+water. All around it was a good, needed break, as this summer I struggled with job funk in a major way. (P.S. If anyone knows what the bleep I am doing being an accountant, please clue me in.)

Hoping to get back to the garage soon. All drywall is up, all taping and mudding is done. Just needs a couple coats of paint, some epoxy on the floor, and we are good to go.

My favorite phrase I have said this week: Bean, quit eating the Bible!

I am on the lookout for two used kayaks. I have seen some incredible deals on craigslist, but haven't been fast enough to snipe them. They literally go within minutes.

Looking forward to the FOPAS reunion coming up. Bean and I will be in attendance. Canadian Thanksgiving is also in the shoot.

Hopefully this is shaping up to be one great fall! Lots of fun events happening. Now all I need is a big pumpkin and some mums.

Today

I am trying to get past the place where I feel good when someone else is left out, because it means that I am not. I am trying to get past the place where I feel the need to be right. I am trying to get past the place where I feel I must be understood.

I am trying to get to the place where I am truly welcoming to others. A place where I am so comfortable with me that it doesn't matter whether or not other people are.

Today, I feel a long way from this place.

Grateful

Fall is my favorite season. The air is so inviting and crispy, you can leave all the windows and doors flung open wide - it's like nature invites you to linger. Plus, fall is the season with the most yummy smells. Apple crisp, cinnamon candles, fire pits - it can't get any better. I'm at home on our back deck enjoying almost all of the above. (No apple crisp tonight.)

I'm feeling content in this season. Happy with our lives, at peace with our decisions - both poor ones and wise ones. Learning who we are, and learning to like those people we find within.

A few months from now will mark one decade of us being together; 9 of those with rings on our fingers. We have settled into a nice pace. I can feel the turbulence of the early and mid 20's starting to settle, and the path toward 30 is looking pretty good right about now.

As Jesse and I grow into ourselves as individual people, we also settle into knowing each other better. My love for Jesse is a different kind of love than what it used to be. A flannel sheets in the middle of winter kind of love - a warm, freshly baked chocolate chip cookie kind of love. The only way I know how to describe it is that it just feels like home. A place you want to be. A place you feel accepted. A place you can take off your makeup, put on your pj's, and drink straight from the (almond) milk carton.

That is why tonight, there is no where else I'd rather be than right here enjoying my little house and my misfit dogs and the lovely life I have stumbled into despite my utter undeservedness.

Cheers to a happy heart for all.

Back to Life...Back to Reality....

Remember that 90's song? It's been stuck in my head since our plane landed. We had a great time on vacation, but reality slapped us back into shape quickly as Jesse jumped head first into a crazy semester and I went back to work.

Lows of vacation -

*Having a 17 hour travel day getting there. Non-rev is either totally awesome or really sucky, and I guess it was our day to get "really sucky" as we got bumped from flight to flight to flight.

*Missing our dinner reservations due to said "really sucky"

Highs of vacation -

*The food (and the photos to prove it...) We ate, and ate, and ate some more. For the most part, Disney chefs treat vegans well.

*Laying by the pool/laying in a hammock with no place to be and nothing to do

*Test Track - one of our favorite rides. The premise is that you are a crash test dummy, so you sit in a car and go through all of the safety tests, like Belgian Blocks, barrier test, ABS tests, etc.

*24/7 with Jesse!

Anyway, here's my vacation video montage - kinda cheesy, and not actually directed by Jesse, as the video says, but I don't know how to remove that part of it in imovie.

On Death

This might be a downer post. Maybe it’s the mood I’m in, or maybe it’s the news that another of the shelter dogs died, but I am thinking about death today.

I remember visiting the hospital in the Philippines. I met a lady there who simply broke my heart. I sat by her bed and cried one of the hardest cries of my entire life. I couldn’t hold back my tears, no matter how hard I tried, so I gave up all efforts to talk or explain myself (like I could have managed that in Tagalog anyway). Instead of speaking, I just sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. That woman died the next day. And to this day, I believe I was meant to go to the Philippines to cry over her. I don’t think anything else I did there really mattered all that much, but crying over this lady as she was in her final hours - that was my purpose. I guess I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone, she mattered, someone noticed she was hurting, someone would mourn the loss of her life.

Mourning - that was my act of worship, my prayer over all that is wrong in this messed up world and there were simply no words - just tears.

I often go back to that place of being wordless. So much I don’t understand. So much that makes me angry and sad. So much that I can’t control. And the only thing I can cling to is that someday, maybe, it might all have a happy ending. But I don’t actually know that - it is only a hope. And in the meantime, while we all wait out our hope in this hostile world, there is nothing we can do but mourn.

But, mourning is not to be mistaken for weakness. Tears are not to be taken as a symbol of frailty. Quite the contrary. Mourning is a powerful act. A holy act. It is the soul’s song - a song of longing for beauty, for safety, for peace. And it is needed and necessary in this world.

So, I don’t apologize for crying over a shelter dog and mourning her death. It’s not trivial. It’s not because I’m “an animal lover”.

Because it isn’t just about Nigella, sweet shelter dog that we lost today, and it wasn’t just about the Filipino woman in the hospital that day. It is about a world that discards beings - whether two or four legged, a world that preys upon weakness, a world where the innocent suffer in horrific ways.

I believe recognizing the deep, deep sorrow of this world is one step toward compassion, toward mercy, toward love. So tonight, I choose to cry and mourn. Because I don’t understand.

Around Here

Besides night time trail races and lots of marathon training, the Canuck has been busy in the garage. I have helped approximately 1% to this point. (As in, I lifted and held one piece of drywall while he screwed it in.) I guess that's okay, as I imagine my work will come when it's time to tape and mud. I love plaster, spackle, and anything else of that general consistency. Drywall mud is so delicious....I can hardly wait to plunge a trowel into it.

The ever tough 1% ...

The ever tougher 99%....immigrant labor is the best!!

In other house news, I should have kept my garden savings calculations up to date after all. The garden got off to a slow start this year, but it has really perked up lately. I have been freezing tomatoes (lots of romas this year!), making salsa, trying to think of ways to use cucumber, and finding new recipes for kale.

This has to be one of my favorite summertime visuals.

And, with that, I just realized I haven't watered the gardens for some time. I should be off. In the meantime, I'm hoping your summer has been full of sticky popsicle hands, fresh lemonade, and good company!

We Made An Honest Effort

Okay, now it's your turn to judge me. Why? Because with the world at our fingertips, we have chosen to return to Disneyworld. I know, I know.... just hear me out.

We really did make an honest effort to go elsewhere. In fact, we went so far as having reservations at a lodge in Port Renfrew, BC. And we had our days there pretty much planned - Botanical Beach, Juan De Fuca Trail, kayaking, the world's largest fir tree...it would be grand.

So what's the problem with that, you may ask?? The more we added up our activities, our hotel, our rental car, our meals....it got to be really expensive. I know some people are willing to pay off vacations after they are done, but for me, the best way to maximize my enjoyment is to have it totally paid before we even go. I started obsessing about whether or not I'd even be able to enjoy, or if I'd be there the whole time looking at how much each activity cost, and then choosing the cheapest. Maybe I am a tight wad. (That gene is definitely loud and clear in some of my relatives.) But, either way, I just don't like the idea of paying for vacation a month or two after it's long gone and over.

So within a day or two of deciding to go to Victoria, I accidentally stumbled across Disney's website and a couple vacation quotes were just randomly e-mailed to me. (It was all very strange, you know.) Anyway, the point is - it was a few hundred cheaper to go to Disney than to Victoria. (That Canadian dollar is right on par!!) Plus, since we are going in the off season again, we snagged the deal where we can eat free at any of the parks and resorts. That is hard to beat. And since we can rely on Disney transportation, we don't have to book a rental car...and the biggest plus? We just always have such a good time. I have nothing but wonderful memories from each of those vacations.

And honestly, because of that, I'm kind of scared to try something new. Pre-Disney we had nothing but suck vacations.

It began with our honeymoon. (Compliments of us being ignorant about off-season travel.) Everything was closed, which meant all the activities we had hoped to do were also off the table (sand dune hang gliding, bike rentals, kayaking, eating out). In fact, the only restaurants we ate at during that week were Hardee's and this place called Big Al's Diner (where we got mild food poisoning and consequently spent a lot of time hanging out in the bathroom). I think we saw a grand total of 2 other humans during our week long stay, which meant the little island was just dark and lonely, somewhat boring, and kind of sad and depressing. Indeed, I ate a gallon of mint chip ice cream all by myself that week - bought at the only grocery store that was open, who happened to be in the middle of remodeling, so they had about three aisle of stale crappy food in stock. =( I think if we had that happen to us now, we could make it fun and have a good time anyway, but being newlyweds, you just know that the expectation is that your honeymoon will be fun, and you aren't sure if you can just right out say to your new husband or wife "Hey, I can't wait until this week is over!". We freaking wrote our wedding thank you cards on our honeymoon, if that tells you anything about the suck level. Ha ha...now that I think about it, that is really funny. In such a sad little way.

Anyway, later over the first few years of our marriage, we didn't have much cash, so we tried some weekend get aways, and those also bombed for one reason or another. That pretty much summed up the first 4 years of our married life's vacations. So, as you can imagine, we were a little gun shy about vacations in general - you're out the money (which you don't have a lot of to begin with), and you didn't even really leave with good memories. When we decided splurge and go to Disney the first time, we actually enjoyed every day there. We laughed. We slept well. We ate well. We relaxed.

Back to present day - I was nervous in general about Victoria and trying something new anyway (though I do REALLY want to see Victoria), then once I saw the dollar signs just piling one on top of another, I had a momentary freak out where all of life became clear again. I had a vision of fluffy, white clouds, and suddenly, a big mouse in front of a castle appeared and spoke to me. It's all very fuzzy, but he gave me a message...something about the way to the happiest place on earth.

I'm Really Awesome At Judging People And Objects

I'm sorry. I just vomited in my mouth.

Meat Sandwiches In A Can. Because fast food is clearly not convenient enough. We obviously needed to take this one step further.

Props to the dude for creativity. The idea is actually quite genius, but I also have to say - WTF?!

Did anyone ever think that the solution to our society's problem of being "so busy and on the run", is that maybe we should just slow down and cut some activities? It's like when people move because they "outgrow their house" - maybe the problem isn't that your house is too small, but that you have TOO MUCH crap. People all over the world, for ages and ages, have lived in and shared a single room. Your house in North America is not too small. Pretty much ever.

But, hey, if staying too busy to drive through McDonald's, let alone cook a meal in your fat big house is your thing, then by all means, eat your canned sandwich heart out. And good luck with the botulism and heart attack thing.

My First Official Sewing Project

Despite coming from a long line of sewers, (I have three generations of quilts in my home), the sewing thing has never really been my thing. Not that I haven't tried. I have. Our living room in Colorado was graced by curtains I made myself. (A peek behind the couch would have revealed that one of them was about 6 inches shorter than the other, but who's measuring, right?). I've also tried pillows. And blankets. And all, in one way or another, were really, really defunct. I even remember once trying to hem a simple pair of old sweatpants. I believe the episode ended with me in tears, and Jesse finishing off the hem line. Sewing a straight line, as it turns out, is not as easy as it sounds. With this in mind, a year or so ago when Jesse and I were on one of our "simplify" kicks, I decided to sell my machine on craigslist. Truth be told, I have not missed it.

Enter my current job. For the last year and a half, I've been living in a very black and white numbers-ey world. It's been a pretty radical shift for me, fresh off working for an interior designer and taking art classes. My job feeds my left brain really well, but I have to admit, it's made my right brain very, very sad. I decided I need to make an effort to get some art and creativity back into my life, so the other weekend I went to Barnes and Noble and spent some time browsing the art and craft books, hoping to get some inspiration. Not much came of it, except the realization that most crafts require at least basic sewing skills. Sigh.

A day or so later, I asked my mom if I could borrow her machine and went looking for a really simple project. Maybe, I told myself, my previous failures were due to starting off with projects that were too hard. (Those pillows and hemlines are a real bitch, ya know...trouble for even the best of sewers no doubt.) =)

Anyway, I found this link for a "15 minute dress" and it met all my requirements - cheap, easy, lots of photos, and step by step instructions. This afternoon I went to Hobby and Lobby and got my supplies - two bandannas, and some ribbon. (And some felt because I thought it would be fun.)

And.....it actually worked!!!! I was so stinking excited!! (Never mind the fact that a dress for a 3 year old girl is utterly useless to me at this stage in life.) Also, don't mock me just because I only had to sew 4 straight lines.

Here is my end product. It would probably look cuter if I had ironed it...oh well. That's another thing I don't do well.



Anyway, if you happen to have a 3 year old girl, this really was easy. It wasn't quite "15 minutes" of easy for me...more like 30, but still...

While the Dough Rises...

I'm having a wild and crazy night sitting on my back deck, waiting for my bagel dough to rise. I can't decide if it's pathetic and lonely, or if I'm just cool and independent. Many (okay most) of my evenings lately have been spent alone. I never realized how much I rely on Jesse for social time. Most of our social activities are with other couples, so, when my other half is gone, I guess I'm a bit stunned at what to do when it comes to things like Friday nights. (Jesse is gone for work or school every evening except Tuesday.)

The obvious fact is that I need to expand my social ring (or just kick all husbands out of it), yet a part of me is pretty content just sitting around with my dogs. Does that make me doubly pathetic and lonely? Perhaps the hipper, cooler version of an old cat lady??

Whatever - cat lady or not - I am quite enjoying my bagel dough and back deck evening. (Though my dough is not rising as fast as I'd hoped.)

So, while the dough rises, here are thoughts on life, things we've been up to, and all that kind of goodness.

I'll begin with the obvious. I hardly see the Canadian formerly known as my fiance anymore. It kind of sucks. And the weird thing is, it has a strange of way of straining the times when I actually do see him. I don't know if it's pressure - like you feel that you must absolutely enjoy the time because you know it's rare - or if it's that when you finally see each other, you spend the first half of the time catching up on the mundane - paid that bill, got this done, if you finish the trim Monday morning, I'll finish the caulk Monday night type of talk. Not so much a barrel full of monkeys on the fun scale. The recent conclusion we came to regarding this nonsense? Vacation.

We originally planned to skip a vacation this year for a couple different reasons, but are feeling the regret, so I spent my "pre-bagel dough" time this evening looking at finances and seeing if we can wiggle out some cash to have a little get away. We have also been brainstorming ideas and trying to decide where to go. Of course, Disney must be on the list. That's a given. Other contenders include San Francisco, and Victoria. Victoria is leading the pack at this point, but Mickey also has a way of drawing me in at the last minute. (I swear, they must pump crack cocaine into the air. I freaking love it there.) At the same point, Victoria is alluring...I'm in the mood for some hippy eco hug the trees respect nature type of vacation, and that would be a great place for it. I have even been looking into staying in a yurt - and consequently, mulling over the idea of building our own yurt complete with a compostable toilet. (The Nikkels have an "a bit extreme" problem, no?)

Anyway, yurts aside, I really have no idea where we will end up on vacation. I just know we could really use some time together!

Hopefully this will take place during Jesse's break between semesters. Vacation and finishing the garage. Whatever happened? We used to be so fast with our home projects, and now it's like we lubricate our power tools with molasses or something. Or maybe it's that I spend a lot of house time undoing all the dogs have done. And by dogs, I mean Bean. He ate our couch - really jacked it up. Why not? It looks just like a $500 chew toy, right? We have increased the walks he gets, and increased the training he gets. Seems to be working well, just wish we would have been a little more proactive to start with - like when he ate the throw pillows and blankets... The other night I caught him eating money. I pulled two slobbery dollar bills right out of his big old chomper. He has been our most difficult dog to date. I used to judge people who had dogs who ate things. I thought the owners clearly were not exercising their dog enough, or providing enough mental stimulation, and they clearly did not understand a dog's needs. Well, that's what I get. (Bean ate the couch after a 4 mile run.....chose it over his bazillion stuffed toy treat puzzles and chew toys...) Needless to say, I have realized, some dogs just eat everything. Apologies to all the people I judged. (And let me tell you, I think it was a lot.)

Speaking of dogs, last weekend was incredibly rough at the shelter. Long story short, a dog named Hershey came in a few months ago. Hershey's family had her since she was a pup. They had her for 8 years. They decided they didn't want her anymore. She was no longer convenient in the middle of a big move they were doing. So, while the kids were at school, the parents dumped Hershey at the shelter (and planned to tell the kids later...great idea, eh?) Anyway, Hershey consistently broke my heart, week after week. She just seemed so confused and sad at first, and she hardly ate a thing. Slowly, she seemed to be coping better, but she still just didn't seem right. I usually get to the shelter first on Sundays to unlock everything before all the dog walkers get there, and I'd often sit with Hershey. She'd just plop herself on me, unfolding her body like a puddle over me. Just so relieved that someone was there with her, someone was petting her and touching her. I love all the dogs there, but she is the only dog I have ever prayed for there....from the first day I met her, I prayed she would find a good home fast. Something about her just really sucked me in. In any case, imagine my complete delight last week when she got adopted! And adopted by one of the shelter volunteers no less, so it was a wonderful home! Enter Sunday afternoon... I found out that midnight Sat. night, Hershey had a long seizure. Her owner took her to the vet ER immediately, but in the end, they had to euthanize her. The vet said she had horrible cancer and most likely would not have even made it another two weeks. It broke my heart. The poor girl - I wondered if she'd been having seizures every night at the shelter and no one knew....if her old family dumped her not because of the move, but because they knew she was sick and didn't want to deal with it... it was just heartbreaking. And the woman who adopted her was another shelter volunteer, who had just recently lost her old dog, so double heartbreak on her. Add to all this, the fact that we had a lot of dogs recently get returned to us. (Someone adopts them, and then weeks, sometimes months, or years later, they just decide they don't want them anymore, so they bring them back.) It was just a rough day at the shelter with a lot of sad stories. I couldn't hold back my tears when I heard about Hershey, so I opened cans of dog food and filled up bowls with kibble the best I could with my watery eyes, then tried my best to suck it up for the rest of the evening so we could all do what needed to be done for the other dogs. I know I love animals and value them more than the average person does, but I would like to think that humanity is decent enough that we could at least acknowledge that dogs are living, breathing creatures who depend on their owners for all of their care and they are not disposable. Even if you don't believe it for the sake of the animal, believe it for the sake of tax dollars going toward animal control, for the sake of the humans who work in animal rescue, for the sake of public health and safety. Dogs aren't books or old jeans to be tossed out once read or used or worn. I could go on and on ranting about how the care of animals enhances not just the animals, but society and humanity in general - I'll try to spare you. The point of the story is - it was a rough time at the shelter and I'm hoping for some new hope and good news this weekend.

On that note, I am going inside to check my bagel dough, and it better be doubled by now!

Biking With the pups