Book Review

I started reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer a couple days ago. I forgot what it's like to be so into a book you don't want to put it down. I haven't enjoyed a book this much since Anderson Cooper's Dispatches from the Edge. It's been a really easy and fast read so far - mind you, not always light reading, but fast and easy none the less.

Someone once told me that you should measure how good a book is by two things: Does it make you laugh out loud? Does it make you cry out loud? Eating Animals has done both for me. Two nights ago, I sat in bed laughing my way through a chapter. Last night, I sobbed my way through the one that followed. (Side note: My husband was kind enough to show me an impression of myself reading, in which he repeatedly gasped dramatically and clutched his chest.)

Eating Animals is, of course, a book about food ethics. Not a short supply of those these days...in fact, they seem to be quite the trend. Omnivore's Dilemma has been one of the most popular, and though I tried to read it, it never really gripped me. What I like about Foer's book is that it is two parts deeply human, one part fact. Maybe it's that I identify with his logic and his struggle, or maybe it's just that he is a darn good writer. Either way, the book is worth checking out.

I am a little more than half way, currently in the chapter "Slices of Paradise/Pieces of Shit". Things I have loved thus far:

1) Foer does a nice job of including voices from every angle in this discussion. He includes letters in this book - letters that are frank, that are moving, that are really beautiful. There's a factory farmer who is so honest and makes such solid points that even I, disdainer of factory farms, felt some tinge of compassion for him, a slaughter-house worker turned animal activist, a small "old-school" turkey farmer who writes beautifully of how he finds himself not thankful, but apologetic every year on Thanksgiving, a PETA worker, a meat producer... beautiful letters.

2) While it's plain to see which "side" Foer lands on, he is fair and logical. For instance, a good page plus is devoted to outlining why Americans would be wise to eat dogs.

3) He briefly, (yet frequently) banters back to Michael Pollan (author of Omnivore's Dilemma).

5) The book is essentially stories. It is framed as a dialogue, not a presentation.

6) I have read so many compelling paragraphs that I simply could not choose which one to post on here.

All in all, Foer is just plain witty. I plan to finish up the book today. If you are looking for a good read, add this to your shelf.

Simmering

I feel like ever since I started back to a normal 9-5 job, there isn't much to say, but at the same time, I don't know what I was saying before that I wouldn't say now. Maybe part of it is just that variety of life is always giving you new ideas and topics to chew on, and since the variety settled, the flurry of ideas has too.

I do miss school. I'm a nerd, I know. I have looked and looked and thought and thought about grad school right now. But, ultimately, this is Jesse's time to finish up his educational goals and my time to sit back and enjoy the ride along. Even with the decision about whether or not to accept the SFSU offer, it just seemed like it wasn't the right time. And our life seems to be a lot about timing right now. I still really want my PhD though, and think (hope) someday I will be able to get back to the books and eventually make it so that junk mail senders across the nation will be forced to address my envelope with "Dr. Nikkel". =)

Until that day, I will mull it all over and let it simmer in my brain. I feel like that is mostly what I do these days, and maybe that is why I lack posting much of anything besides photos of my dogs. I'm in the simmer stage of life... lots happening, but nothing is ready to be put on the table or eaten.

Snowy Adventures With the Pups

Yesterday the melting snow in our front yard unearthed Jesse's lost cell phone. Amazingly, it still works! I thought I'd post some photos from the day we lost it, as well as a few more we took today while we were out and about.

Jesse and Monkey taking a break from their cross-country skiing:

Always have to get at least one self-photo:

Horton and I were running behind Jesse and Monkey while they were skiing, and let me tell you, running in three feet of snow is much harder than running on a clear path! I was so tuckered out by the end, I flopped down in the snow, and my little snuggle bug Horton was quick to join me. He was being so snuggly, it was hard to get up and leave:

Monkey was more interested in skiing. I had to headlock her to get her to be in a photo with me. She is not really the snuggly type; more so the nibble-on-your-fingers-squirm-all-over-you-until-you-throw-my-ball-and-play-with-me type.

Today we were both off work and the weather was a little warmer, so we decided to go hiking with the dogs. It was fun, but very wet and muddy. Since everything was still covered in snow, it was impossible to know where (or what) you were stepping into. On a few occasions, Jesse and I discovered small creeks by stepping right into them. Very squishy, cold, socks by the end of our little adventure!

Notice here Monkey is sporting her new backpack! She carried most of our stuff for us today.

Yep, another self-photo. What family day would be complete without it?

My boys and the crazy girl:

Too bad every day can't be a "hiking with the dogs" day. Tomorrow it's back to business as usual.

Testing...Testing...One, Two, Three...

We sent our little camera in for repair since the sound was broken on the video. Got it back this week, and needed to do a test run to see if it was fixed. (Guess who my test subjects were!) Sound is still not amazing of course, but much better than before!

Truly How I Feel...

Credit goes to failblog.org

0910

Well, every one's doing it...so here is my homage to peer pressure:


Highlights of 2009:

Getting accepted into the master's program at SFSU.

Monkey madness.

Sing it with me: M-i-c-k-e-y M-o-u-s-e!

Going vegan.

Watching Jesse cross the finish line at his first marathon.

4 new nieces and nephews on the way - welcome Zeke, Kaysia, Jada, and baby no name!

Lots of healthy strides happening around here, including a collective loss of about 45lbs, (with little itch who is sliding in at a svelte 69lbs these days...way to go, old pup - you're looking better than ever!)


Lows of 2009:

Nothing stands out in my mind more than losing big Abe. I think my heart will forever ache for you.


And with that, what is left to say?

In this world that gives a tear for every laugh... cheers to the ride.

Happy New Year, my friends!

Brrrr.....

We have had a lot of snow! Yesterday morning we loaded up the dogs and went cross-country skiing. (Well, Jesse is the only one with skis, so he went, and what I did could probably be better described as breathing heavily and wheezing while running behind trying to keep up.) Both dogs got their turn skiing with Jesse. Monkey needs some practice. She has yet to realize that leash + human on the other end = clothesline when you run around a tree. Horton is much better, except that he likes to make frequent stops to pee on said trees. Regardless, we had a good time and even got some really cute photos on Jesse's phone. Unfortunately, that phone is quite possibly buried under a foot of snow on the trail. We have searched high and low with no luck. It may also be in the front yard, but with all of the snow, who knows. Bummer.

Otherwise, we have been enjoying the holiday. Since I have been home so much I have been cooking and baking like crazy. The extra time has given me a chance to try out some vegan recipes, which are always either surprisingly good, or really disgusting. The tempeh landed in the latter category unfortunately. The tomato basil tofu lasagna was a win. The banana pudding tastes good, but never fully set. The graham cracker cookies to go along with it are so-so. The morning glory muffins were a hit, and the soup was a win on a chilly night. Next on my list is a crock pot enchilada recipe, but I will have to drag myself out and to the grocery store before I can give it a whirl.

Jesse has been working a lot of extra hours with this crazy weather. He has had the privilege of being what we affectionately call "bucket boy" - the guy who gets in the bucket lift and sprays down the planes with de-icing fluid. I didn't realize this, but did you know that if a plane has any ice on its wings before taking off, it will probably crash? The ice interferes with the drag, which makes sense...but I had never really connected the two before. I just kind of thought it was done for the same reason we scrape our cars...you get some better visibility and it makes things warmer. Not so it turns out.

Anyway, speaking of scraping, my bucket boy has done a lot of that lately too. In fact, he's had to shovel our driveway and back deck twice now. And to boot, when I looked out this morning, he was over shoveling the neighbor's walk way! It made me think about what a good guy I married. It's not like our neighbor is elderly or anything. In fact, he's a guy about our age. Jesse was just doing it because we are pretty sure our neighbor is out of town right now and Jesse didn't want him to come home and not be able to get in his house easily. That is one thoughtful guy!

Charity

Over the last few years, I have thought a lot about "causes" and social justice issues. When there are so many things wrong in the world, how do you decide which one to put your effort into? There are many, many thing that tug on my heart, as I'm sure they do many others. But, the fact of the matter is that I don't have the time, money, or the energy to contribute to every cause that weighs on my heart. In the end, I have to choose.

After having spent a few years involved with various ministries, non-profit organizations, and even for-profit businesses with a "good twist", I decided my giving is maximized when I myself am maximized.

By that I mean, certain efforts I was involved in totally and completely drained me, left me frustrated, and became utterly un-enjoyable. The only reason I kept doing it is that I had committed to doing it, but often times, I was counting down the days until my commitment was over.

Eventually, I pretty much stopped doing all together. I was just burned out, tired, and frankly, pretty much a crabby, pissed off type of person.

Then, slowly the ache came back - I'd hear stories that stirred my heart, learn about causes that I desperately wanted to help with, and found myself really wanting to give back in some way. So, I did another long round of searching for a "fit", which resulted in me trying on a lot of "wrong fits" (and even one, year long wrong fit that I roped Jesse into doing with me...sorry babe.) Eventually, I started heading back to the exact same spot I was in, burned out and tired.

So, I decided to lay off of it all for a while again....but then that ache of wanting to be involved with something came back. With memories of the many failed attempts at "helping" fresh in my mind, I decided to approach things differently.

I decided to be 100% selfish. And it has been awesome.

That sounds bad at first, but it's actually a good thing. This time, when I approached "getting involved", I was highly selective. It had to be something that a) I looked forward to doing, b) I could easily afford, c) I felt extremely passionate about, and d) I could "test run" and easily bail on should I change my mind.

Thus enter a flyer I saw while walking to class one day a couple years ago. A local dog shelter needed people to walk dogs. Even though it got my interest, I didn't jump on it. In fact, months went by and I passed that same flyer dozens of times, each time thinking "maybe". After all, when I had intended to "give back", I was sort of thinking about people, not animals. Even so, I kept it tucked in the back of my mind, since it did fit my requirements: I love dogs, I had been wanting to get more exercise anyway, I was already passionate enough about the humane movement that I had given up meat, I could pick when I wanted to do it, and I could stop anytime I wanted.

Finally, months later, I bit the bullet and gave it a try. And now, nearly a year and a half later, I'm still doing it, and I still look forward to it, and I still believe in it, and I still get energized when I go, and I still regain perspective on my life when I go, and I laugh there, and I don't care how I look there, and my heart is still soft there, and I still cry when a particularly bad story of abuse or neglect comes my way, and I still rejoice when a particularly good story of success, health, and a happy, new home comes my way.

And finally, I feel like I caught of a glimpse of what God intended in our giving. It's a mutual exchange. I'm not giving and receiving nothing in return - thus immediately making it not about charity or about one side being "in need", but about community, about a shared sense of value. I have something to give, but I also have something to receive.

I'm not set up in a place of power or of "betterness", which can easily come when I'm giving without receiving. Instead, because I receive, the giving is made even better.

And that receiving piece is, in my opinion, what makes many charitable causes fail. We don't see that even in our giving, we must receive. I know that's backward from everything I ever learned, especially in Christian circles where it's all about "dying to self" and "giving without expecting anything in return", and yes, it's true that Jesus did do that...but you know what? I'm not Jesus.

I think someone who is God and human and the whole kit and caboodle probably has an upper hand in that he could probably find a way to give any way he pleases, and in a way that never belittles the "other side". But I don't know if us humans can do that, unless we are also willing, and expecting, to receive, because we are far dumber than God, far more self-centered than God, and even in our attempts to "be like God", we have a way of really jacking things up.

I'm beginning to think the most unselfish way of giving is actually seemingly quite selfish, where we do anticipate and expect something in return, for it is this expectation of receiving that expresses our attitude; an attitude in which we are essentially saying that we can learn and grow and be better because of what someone else can offer us. We see that it is not just "me" that has something to offer, but that everyone, no matter their walk of life, has something valuable to give this world, and something we can learn and grow from that can not be found within ourself.

So, all that to say... my conclusion from this is that while there are a million causes worth fighting for, things seem to click best when we choose those causes in which the giving comes easily. That is not to say that it is not a still a sacrifice, but that is to say that it comes easily because it truly is coming from the overflow of our heart.

A silly example of this is my vegan-ness. As Jesse could tell you, cheese was my absolute, most favorite food in the world. I love, love, love, a good sharp cheddar. Feta in my salad...oh a nice Parmesan... and I could tell you about the most amazing Amish cheese and the way it crumbled on the block, but slowly melted in your mouth...oh my goodness, amazing. I always wanted to go to Paris with Jesse and spend a week eating nothing but bread with every single different type of cheese the city could offer. I've never really been a foodie, but cheese was the one food that could literally just make me stop and take in the moment of the taste...

Needless to say, being vegan is a sacrifice for me. But, at the same time, I find it comes incredibly easy. And I can only assume that is because my heart is really full with a love and desire for "the cause". So, in that sense, my sacrifice is coming from the outflow of how I feel in my heart, and that is what I mean when I say giving should come easy. I don't mean that it's not without sacrifice or difficulty.

So now that I have written a load full.... funny, what I had originally intended for this post was to do a simple intro paragraph and then post what I'm getting ready to below. Instead, my intro became a post in and of itself! But, what sparked this was something I read on Wayne Pacelle's blog about charities.

He was asked to give the commencement address for a university in Georgia, and spoke on charities in American life. I thought his words were worth sharing:

Wherever there is some great need in this country, you will find groups devoted to meeting it. Wherever there is some great wrong in this country, you will find groups that are laboring to right it. And what keeps all of these groups going is the commitment of members, volunteers, and donors who could all be doing something else with their time.

The jobs we keep are just a part of who we are. The mark we leave in the world will be seen way beyond the places we go to work. People will see your character in the company you keep, the words you say, and the causes you serve.

I challenged every student in my audience to find something special that mattered to him or her, to find a meaningful calling to fulfill. We are all driven by different passions, but it is that pluralism of interests that, in the aggregate, creates a civil society. Some are passionate about fighting poverty or protecting the environment or combating disease. When we each pursue these passions, or multiple passions, we get closer to covering the whole. As someone who cares deeply about animals, I am so relieved that there are others who share a passion for correcting other social ills or problems.

Well said, Wayne.

A Few Photos

A few photos from the last couple days...

We celebrated Christmas early with my mom this year since she will be out of town for part of December. We had a little fondue party at her house, which was quite fun.

Sorry for the green cast in this next photo. (Fluorescent lights and the wrong camera settings.) Jesse got a technical shirt from one of the running blogs he reads. Clever little rhyme.

Monkey also got a present. Cesar says high energy dogs can benefit from a backpack weighted to fit their size and endurance level on walks. We've been wanting to get her one, but who knew - dog backpacks are pricey. So, when my mom saw one on clearance, she snatched it up for us and decided she could tweak it with her sewing skills if it didn't fit Monkey right. So, here's Monks and her first fitting!



We had a foghorn out because Monkey and Riley don't get along very well. We just honk it when there are potential fights brewing. Sounds odd, I know, but it gives peace of mind, and if you have ever had to break up a dog fight, you know it sure isn't easy.

Other than Christmas celebrations, we have also finally started hanging up some stuff in the office. Maybe by the new year it will be all cleaned up and finished. Doubtful, but maybe.



Jesse standing in front of the painting I did of his chin, to help me see how close I got it perhaps. =)

Birthday Fun

Jesse has the entire week off work. He had originally scheduled his vacation week for April, which is when he ended up having hernia surgery. That meant he was on medical leave the same week as his vacation week, so his union rep told him he could pick a new vacation week, and this week is it. Since he had so much time off, I decided to take Monday and Tuesday off so that we could have some time together. (Plus, it was nice to have the day off on my birthday.)

I am smack in the middle of an audit at work, so I guess it was good to get some time away from that as well. I'm not sure. Part of me just wants to get it over with, but I am sure the time away has given me some perspective, which I am really awesome at losing.

Anyway, for my birthday, I received the very cool composter that I blogged about a few weeks back. I'm pretty impressed with it. Only a couple days into it, and I can't even recognize what I put into it, which means it's all breaking down super fast. The irony of using electric resources to compost is not lost on me, and I do admit, it's a pretty luxurious way to go about the whole thing. But, in my defense, it uses extremely minimal power, and allows me to compost more food scraps than my traditional outdoor bin allowed me to. I like the idea of self-sufficiency in terms of food, and I like that I can follow much of what we eat the entire way through - from table to trash to turning it back into the soil.

Gardening is also good for my problematic loss of perspective syndrome. Seeds remind me how miraculous and ironic life is. One thing, that I can hold on the tip of my finger can feed my family all year. If I didn't know about gardening and someone told me that, I would laugh at them and tell them it was impossible. But, somehow, year after year, I put these tiny little specs in the ground, and suddenly, I have more food than I can eat. That is really stinking amazing. And it always makes me wonder, if this little itty bit thing can make so much, how can we have people starving? Obviously I know the answer is much more complicated than seeds, but still - something so simple and powerful that fits on my finger tip can literally sustain life...and for lack of it people die. Guess it's part of that cruel irony that the world is so wonderful at.

Though I'm about two seconds away from going all "circle of life" on you, I'm going to stop. I shall save the virtue of worms and respect for all life forms lecture for another day - perhaps this spring when I am inspecting my freshly composted gardens and clapping each time I find an earth worm.

Anyway, I also received some other very cool items, one of which was a homemade vegan birthday cake from my mom! And, since it came complete with candles, Jesse did the honors and sang the happy birthday song for me.



The cake was super yum, and unfortunately also came complete with 2 flavors of vegan ice cream that were also super yum...and we ate dinner out Friday night which was super yum, and Saturday night which was super yum, and Monday lunch which was super yum...oy. My tummy has had too much super yum!

Other than eating, which is apparently 90% of what we did over the weekend, we shopped a bit and rented a couple movies. I also got birthday snuggles from my "other favorite boy". All in all, I cannot complain!

Gift Idea

A year or so ago, I kept hearing this buzz about a book called The Daring Book for Girls. It came about because a year or so prior, a book called The Dangerous Book for Boys was published. Both books are meant to be nostalgic, in that they offer a "how to" guide for all of the essential boy or girl activities of childhood. Tying knots, chinese jump rope, paper airlines....things that a boy or girl should just know to have a wholesome childhood. Both books were quite popular, sucking in both young readers and older ones who just wanted to reminisce a bit.

In any case, when Jesse and I took our little day trip to Boulder last summer, I spotted what looked like the cover of one of the books. (They have a very distinctive, old school design.) When we got closer, I realized it was a spoof of the books, called The Dangerous Book for Dogs. We flipped through and it had us both laughing out loud in the store.

I didn't think much of it after we left, but now that Christmas time has rolled around and different people have been asking me for gift ideas, I thought about what a great gift this book would make, not just for myself, but for any dog lover/owner. The few pages I read in Boulder had me cracking up. Subject titles include: How to Make Your Owner Look Like an Idiot, Creative Pee Stains, The Formal Rules of Fetch, and if my memory of the book serves me correctly, a warning that mounting a bitch is never as easy as it seems.

In any case, though I don't own it and haven't read the entire book, I have to say, I would highly recommend it for any dog lover on your list!!

Thanksgiving Weekend Happenings

I have spent the morning touching up the paint on our walls and painting our dresser. I'm in between coats, and what better way to pass a few minutes than to blog?

Before Jesse left for work we put up a couple more of the ceiling panels. (The project that was started last spring... the hernia surgery and Abe's ordeal kind of threw us for a loop and house projects have generally been on the slow track ever since.) Anyway, anyone who has visited our little house will recall the ghetto popcorn ceiling in the office and bedrooms. It is no more (or at least will be no more by the end of the day), though we still need to get the moulding up around the edges.



Another project I finally finished a month or two ago is doing a painting for the bathroom. (The reddish orange border isn't really part of the painting, but I was apparently holding the camera crooked, so I couldn't crop out the wall. Whatever, you get the idea.)


It's good to finally catch up on some projects. I've been trying to stick around the house this weekend anyway to keep an eye on Horton. He tore his ACL, and is supposed to be kept as immobile as possible for 30 days. Depending on how he heals, he may or may not need surgery. I am really hoping for the not. I don't want to put him through that. It is a really major surgery, where they have to cut his tibia and everything to attach a metal plate. Very bad deal. Monkey doesn't fully understand why her buddy can't play anymore, so Jesse has been taking her with him on some longer runs to try to drain her energy. (Energy which has been put toward digging holes in the yard, annoying us, and trying to nibble Horton's ear off.)

Anyway, last weekend, besides making some trips to the emergency vet, we went to a wedding, and did our usual routine...Jesse to work...me to the shelter. Here's a shot from the wedding.



Otherwise, I guess I have nothing to say. I am going to see if my paint is dry yet!

Our Weekend

The weather has been insanely wonderful the last few days and we have done our best to take full advantage of it. Yesterday before Jesse headed to work, we gave the dogs a much needed bath in the backyard. Horton always loves it and Monkey always hates it.

This one didn't turn out quite like planned, but I had to post it anyway because Horton was so cute in his little towel when I was drying him. The Groomers: We grilled out for lunch and then I spent the afternoon cleaning. Maybe it was all the sunshine putting me in the mood for "spring cleaning". It was nice to have all the doors and windows open.

Anyway, this morning we loaded up the pups and headed to one of our favorite trails along the river. We took a slow 2.5 mile walk, during which Monkey did her very best to undo everything we had done yesterday during her bath. Note the doggie headlocks. They were not at all interested in stopping for photos, but the weather and everything was so nice, I wanted at least one of our little family. Shortly I am headed to the dog shelter. I was very excited when I saw the adoption list this week. One of the "regulars" got adopted out. There is a core group of dogs who are there week in, week out. In this case, the dog who got adopted has been at the shelter for 14 months....finally a happy family for her!! She deserves it, though I will miss seeing her around each week. Anyway, I will leave you with this video of our crazy one from earlier today -

Coveting

Going garden geek on you -

I found the coolest thing ever online today! Check out the Nature Mill Plus XE indoor composter. It basically eliminates all of the inconveniences of composting.

While we do use our current old-school outdoor composter, and I do like it a lot, we don't use it to its full potential due to the inconveniences. For instance, you have to walk out in the cold winter to dump your food scraps. (And actually, now that I think about it, that's not even convenient in the summer time when you are making a meal.) And since it has a lid and rain doesn't get in, you have to make sure the moisture level is correct. And it speeds things up if you turn your pile on a regular basis, but this is hard to do given the size and stability of our composter. Plus, it is a traditional method, so takes patience - as in give it a couple months before you can harvest anything.

By contrast, you can keep the Nature Mill inside, next to your regular trash can, or tucked away in a cabinet, which means you can dump your scraps in as you are cooking. And, genius - it provides heat to your pile, so you don't have to wait around for the microherds to do their thing and generate the heat for you. It also mixes for you, so it's always aerated...another key for composting. All of this means you can harvest compost in 14 days!

It says it can handle 120lbs per month, and I have no doubt we would max that out. When we first started composting, I was shocked at how small our weekly trash bag was. (And for the record - compost, when done the right way, should never smell. I think a lot of people are leery of composting because they think it stinks. If it stinks, that means there is too much nitrogen in the pile, which is really easy to correct by adding some carbons, like newspaper or dried leaves. So having this inside would not equate stinky house.)

I am SOLD! This is officially on my list of things to covet.

Shopping Just Got Deep.

I have gotten a jump start on the holiday shopping this year. A few names on my list, year after year, I always have a terrible time buying for and generally don't enjoy the gift giving experience at all. I think I am finally starting to realize why, besides just chalking it up to the fact that they are "hard to buy for".

I realized this year that it's unfun giving to people who are totally self-sufficient. It's not necessarily about wealth even, though certainly only some people can afford to be self-sufficient. But, maybe the real joy in giving and receiving gifts is the interpersonal symbolism behind it -

From the giver's viewpoint: I have something you might like. I can offer you something. I am valuable to you because of this.

From the receiver's viewpoint: I like what you give me. You have something to offer me. I value you because of this.

By that, I don't mean that the value is in the object, or that people only value each other based on what they can/can't get. It's more about the relationship exchange. When you think about it, generally our most fulfilling relationships are those in which we feel used to our full potential. We inherently want to give of ourselves and our resources.

I feel happy when I cook something that Jesse really likes. Why? Because I think it's something I can offer that fulfills a need or desire of his, which he accepts from me. And I imagine he probably likes it when he can fix our cars and save us hundreds of dollars in mechanic fees. Why? Because it's something he's good at, a part of himself, that he can offer to me.

Why do jobs suck and get boring? Often, it's because the employee feels she has more to offer than what the company will let her. He can do more than answer phones. She can do more than data entry. Or he has great ideas for marketing, but they won't be heard because he doesn't have the right title or whatever the reason. And the best jobs? They are fulfilling because the employee gets to use their skills to contribute to something greater than self - even if that something is a corporation -it's still something.

And why is it hard for parents to see their kids grow up? Because the parents know the child is growing closer to independence. Someday, the parent will no longer be a necessity for the child. And when the grand kids come along and Grandma won't shut up with her "advice" - she's probably doing it because she wants to give of her experiences. She offers a piece of her history, of herself.

In some sense, our sole fulfillment in life comes from this connection; some delicate balance of giving and receiving whereby what we offer is accepted with joy and what we receive is valued as unique and irreplaceable.

But, the key in making it work is that we have to be willing to do both. We have to give, and we have to receive. And the receiving part, I think a lot of us are a bit rusty on. After all, aren't we supposed to be self-sufficient?

I know the holidays and gift giving is all kind of just a silly obligation to consume in the name of "holiday spirit", but I think it still boils down to the connection. And when someone is self-sufficient, providing themself with their own heart's desire and not expressing any of their wishes, it really sucks the fun out of it all. They are, in some sense, withholding of themselves, refusing to let you in. You don't know what to get for them, because you really don't even know who they are. You don't know what they like, because they won't share that with you. So you are forced to come up with some offering, blindly hoping that perhaps maybe you stumbled upon something that may have some remote sense of value to them. Because the fact is, maybe what you are really hoping is that you yourself have value to them.

I am probably making gift giving way too deep, and obviously, this may not apply to baking a nut loaf for your neighbor or being forced to partake in the office secret santa party, but - at least for me - there are people on my list that I really care about, and I really wish I knew better, yet despite my best efforts, each year when jingle bells start playing, I find myself sighing and plastering on a smile while we exchange obligatory, extremely meaningless gifts. So why do I keep doing it every year? Why do I spend my money, money that is often very tight, on something so meaningless?

Well, it's because even if my gift is forgotten, at least I can say I offered something. I tried. I put some piece of myself out there, and I was still open to the possibility that someday, maybe I will have a gift that matters.

And until that day comes, I will let my heart be thankful for the exchanges that do work; the ones where I see something at the store, and I think of this or that person, not because it's a cool object, but because I know them.

I Heart Chipotle

I recently learned that Chipotle is test marketing a vegan burrito in one of their DC locations. It's called "Garden Blend". It's a mix of plant proteins, grains, and vegetables marinated in their Adobo sauce....mmmm....sounds so super yummy!!

I decided to e-mail them about it - representin' the meatless, ya know? Here is part of their response: We are getting rave reviews so hopefully we will be able to offer it nationwide someday.

Yeah for rave reviews....hope they keep pouring in and I can someday taste this yumminess.

A Few Photos

Slow on the blogging front lately. Here's a few random photos from the last few weeks - some you may have already seen on Jesse's running blog.

What Can I Say?

I haven't blogged in a while for two reasons - 1) I've been busy, and 2) Jesse has sniped the photos I was planning to blog and posted them on his running blog. So, from reading his, most of you already know we went down to the farm and that Monkey chased the bike and Horton was snuggly, and my mother-in-law was in town, and Jesse ran his first marathon with kick-ass results. So, what can I say that Jesse hasn't?

I can say that I am eating apple crisp that I tried to "make healthy" by cutting the sugar and using very little margarine and it tastes kind of rubbery. The apples are good, but the "crisp" part is not so much.

I can also say that I am very proud of Mr. Nikkel. It was so great to see him cross the finish line - not just for running a race, but for all that it represents. For self-discipline, for endurance, for respecting your own body, for being grateful for the vessel that God put his soul in, for not choosing the path of least resistance, and for overcoming challenge and pain. In fact, I was so proud, that in my clouded mental state, I think I actually uttered the words I want to run a marathon. This sentiment is probably just hype, but I do admit, it was really hard just being on the sidelines. I wanted to be part of the action.

I could also tell you that I am close to finishing the office. I found a pillow a couple weekends ago that gave me the idea for how to decorate. I am doing a nautical theme, but not like tight-white- navy-pants-with-sisal-rope-and-golden-brass-ship-steering-things-nautical....more like vintage-oars-rowing-team-crisp-graphical-prints-nautical. I need to get busy with the jigsaw to finish up, so I'll post pics when I am done, assuming all goes well.

I can also tell you that I spend a bit more time at the shelter on Sundays now, because the main people who used to head up Sundays can no longer do it. So, I am now one of the main people. I even got my very own set of keys!!

I could tell you that I generally like my job, but feel so much angst about long term vs. short term goals and where exactly my job fits within those.

I can tell you that I love my Monkey dog, but that she also really annoys me sometimes. Like right now, when she wants to relentlessly play. And she makes Horton look like the most angelic dog to ever walk the planet, as he sits calmly, sweetly, and wags his tail when I smile at him. We really lucked out with him. What a good boy. Monkey is different...and as I type this, I literally have a Monkey on my back, sniffing into my ear with her wet little nose. Where is the respect? Cesar would be so disappointed in me. Sigh. On that note, I think it is time to walk these dogs less I lose my mental sanity trying to keep Monkey entertained.

I Don't Know Where I'm Going With This

Jesse will be 30 in just a couple months. I myself have reached the age where I forget how old I am. When I was a kid, I'd always think it so absurd that older people would mix up their age, or forget birthdays or anniversaries. I kind of understand that now. Life is really, really fast. I'm not saying I'm old. I'm not. I'm young, and I have a lot to learn. But what I do know is that these days, I feel like life carries me along faster than I would like at times.

Jesse and I were young when we met, young when we got engaged, and young when we got married. In some odd sense, we have come of age together, and I'm kind of flabbergasted at how much we have both changed - as a couple, as individuals. Life is shocking to me. Sometimes I feel like Vivian in Pretty Woman, when she's talking to Edward, who tells her that very few people surprise him, and she replies something like, "Really!? Most people shock the hell out of me." Never, ever, ever would I have guessed the course our life together has taken - that we'd move more times than I can count, that we'd own and close a photography business, that we'd buy a house near the mountains, that I'd drop out of an art institute, that we'd face the personal issues that we have, that we'd end up living in Missouri - Missouri! None of that was what we'd planned. We knew our life course, and we were so sure. So sure.


Now, these days, there are few things I'm sure about. And I am okay with that. I used to worry so much about what other people thought of me. I wanted to make everyone happy. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted people to call me things like "sweet" and "nice". What I've come to realize though, is that it's a lot easier to not care what other people think of you when you like yourself. I never would have thought that I didn't like myself; in fact, I always thought I was a pretty confident person. But I've come to realize that I think maybe I worried so much about what other people thought of me because if they thought something bad, perhaps I myself wasn't sure that it wouldn't be true. In some way, I needed people to think good things about me.


Maybe it is all just part of getting to know yourself. While I don't want people to think poorly of me or to be offended by things I say, it doesn't bother me so much now if they do. I like who I am. Not everyone else will. And now I know myself well enough to know which things people say about me are and aren't true. So in some sense, this ambiguous force of "other people" has lost its power over me. I'm not a mean person, even if I have mean moments. I am however, an anal person, a competitive person, and sometimes even a controlling person. But, I'm also an extremely compassionate person who will give a piece of my heart to any being in need, a person who is willing to stick by my values even when the going gets rough, and a person who is innovative and resourceful. And let's be honest, at some point, in all of my worry about what other people thought of me, I was probably a really self-centered person, for it's highly doubtful other people were saying anything about me at all!


I think one reason I have always had such a fondness for animals is that they always accepted me. Growing up, sometimes I'd feel so alone; my dog would lay on me and let me sob. He gave me his time, when I felt like no one else would. I found some piece of hope in that.

When Abe died, I was so angry at God. Not just for Abe, but years of sadness and anger that I had always brushed aside, seemed to come to a head. One night, a few days after he died, there was a thunderstorm outside, and I went and sat on our back deck and cried. Soon, I felt something on my shoulder, and there was Monkey, who had trotted out to check on me. She sat down, nudged her head up under my arm, and then peeked up at me with her little eyes squinting in the rain. I could tell she had no idea why in the world I was choosing to be outside in the thunder when there was a perfectly dry house just a few feet away. Even though she didn't understand, she sighed, flopped down beside me, and leaned into me hard. She was just there. And when you're sad, sometimes presence is all you really need.

My dogs are hairy. They mess up my clean house. They often smell bad. They goober my curtains. They eat their own poop. But they make me really happy in really simple ways. They are loyal to their "pack". And loyalty is a trait that is so few and far between these days.

I've come to realize that not only is life really short, but life is also not like you plan. With Abe, all I could think was "if I had only known..." I didn't know our time with him would be so short. I didn't know he was in so much pain. Losing him through the circumstances in which we did stretched the fabric of my soul; a new type of anguish, doubt and struggle, like a lifetime of accrued emotion. Because it wasn't just about a dog; it was about finally having to face the truth of where I've come from - admitting hurt and anger and wrong doing on my part and the part of others to me, facing a hollow faith, and feeling anger over how cruel and unjust the world is. I also felt horrible that I hadn't done better for Abe, and I was so angry that his life ended the way it did. I felt like a pawn in a some sick and twisted joke of God - if anyone could devise a way to hurt me, this would be it.


And it sucked.


And I still don't have it all sorted out. I still don't know if I will ever have the kind of faith that I once did. I still don't know if I even want the kind of faith that I once had. But I do know this - life is short and I don't want to miss it. And who I am now, flawed work in progress, is enough for me. I don't expect things from life anymore. I don't expect things from God anymore.


And there is a whole lot of unexpected happiness and joy in that.

I feel like my perspective is so much better. I'm not striving anymore. I'm not wrestling anymore. I'm not waiting around for something anymore. I'm not trying to figure out God anymore. And life comes easy now. And even though I don't know who or what or why or how, I am pretty sure God is somewhere in it all, and if He's the kind of guy I think he is, I'm pretty sure he is pissed that the world is so jacked up, too. And I hope someday, He'll help me understand. But until then, I just don't know and all I have is now.

So, I look to find beauty in now. I marvel at the colors on our neighbors tree. I laugh at the quirky things my dogs do, I overflow with gratitude that my husband feels like my home, I try new things and I love them and I hate them, and it's all generally wonderful. It's like I can finally feel. So I do - I let myself feel the beauty in this life, and I let myself feel the pain in this life. And suddenly, I am richer than I ever have been before.