Shopping Just Got Deep.

I have gotten a jump start on the holiday shopping this year. A few names on my list, year after year, I always have a terrible time buying for and generally don't enjoy the gift giving experience at all. I think I am finally starting to realize why, besides just chalking it up to the fact that they are "hard to buy for".

I realized this year that it's unfun giving to people who are totally self-sufficient. It's not necessarily about wealth even, though certainly only some people can afford to be self-sufficient. But, maybe the real joy in giving and receiving gifts is the interpersonal symbolism behind it -

From the giver's viewpoint: I have something you might like. I can offer you something. I am valuable to you because of this.

From the receiver's viewpoint: I like what you give me. You have something to offer me. I value you because of this.

By that, I don't mean that the value is in the object, or that people only value each other based on what they can/can't get. It's more about the relationship exchange. When you think about it, generally our most fulfilling relationships are those in which we feel used to our full potential. We inherently want to give of ourselves and our resources.

I feel happy when I cook something that Jesse really likes. Why? Because I think it's something I can offer that fulfills a need or desire of his, which he accepts from me. And I imagine he probably likes it when he can fix our cars and save us hundreds of dollars in mechanic fees. Why? Because it's something he's good at, a part of himself, that he can offer to me.

Why do jobs suck and get boring? Often, it's because the employee feels she has more to offer than what the company will let her. He can do more than answer phones. She can do more than data entry. Or he has great ideas for marketing, but they won't be heard because he doesn't have the right title or whatever the reason. And the best jobs? They are fulfilling because the employee gets to use their skills to contribute to something greater than self - even if that something is a corporation -it's still something.

And why is it hard for parents to see their kids grow up? Because the parents know the child is growing closer to independence. Someday, the parent will no longer be a necessity for the child. And when the grand kids come along and Grandma won't shut up with her "advice" - she's probably doing it because she wants to give of her experiences. She offers a piece of her history, of herself.

In some sense, our sole fulfillment in life comes from this connection; some delicate balance of giving and receiving whereby what we offer is accepted with joy and what we receive is valued as unique and irreplaceable.

But, the key in making it work is that we have to be willing to do both. We have to give, and we have to receive. And the receiving part, I think a lot of us are a bit rusty on. After all, aren't we supposed to be self-sufficient?

I know the holidays and gift giving is all kind of just a silly obligation to consume in the name of "holiday spirit", but I think it still boils down to the connection. And when someone is self-sufficient, providing themself with their own heart's desire and not expressing any of their wishes, it really sucks the fun out of it all. They are, in some sense, withholding of themselves, refusing to let you in. You don't know what to get for them, because you really don't even know who they are. You don't know what they like, because they won't share that with you. So you are forced to come up with some offering, blindly hoping that perhaps maybe you stumbled upon something that may have some remote sense of value to them. Because the fact is, maybe what you are really hoping is that you yourself have value to them.

I am probably making gift giving way too deep, and obviously, this may not apply to baking a nut loaf for your neighbor or being forced to partake in the office secret santa party, but - at least for me - there are people on my list that I really care about, and I really wish I knew better, yet despite my best efforts, each year when jingle bells start playing, I find myself sighing and plastering on a smile while we exchange obligatory, extremely meaningless gifts. So why do I keep doing it every year? Why do I spend my money, money that is often very tight, on something so meaningless?

Well, it's because even if my gift is forgotten, at least I can say I offered something. I tried. I put some piece of myself out there, and I was still open to the possibility that someday, maybe I will have a gift that matters.

And until that day comes, I will let my heart be thankful for the exchanges that do work; the ones where I see something at the store, and I think of this or that person, not because it's a cool object, but because I know them.