Jesse and I have been talking about Colorado the last couple days and I really miss it lately. I keep waiting for this house to become "home" and for some reason, it is still just a place to live to me, but hasn't reached "home status" yet. I don't know why. It's a lot cuter than our house in Loveland was. It has a much much nicer yard. We use the space much more efficiently. The neighborhood is nicer. The view is nicer. But, it's just that...a nice house...nothing more really. Maybe because we haven't put much work into it. Compared to Loveland at least. I felt really proud of our house there, even though it wasn't as nice as this one. I guess I felt that way because Jesse and I poured many many hours of work and effort into that house. Maybe it was still ugly in lots of places and still needed lots of work when we left, but they were
our ugly spots. And we were going to work on them together and make them nice. And here, I didn't do any of this work. The wood floors were already here. The deck was already built. The landscape was already nice. I don't know. Maybe all of this stress is just the living room color. I am regretting the blue the last few days. It's nice. It looks nice. But it's not really "ours", does that make sense? It's just sort of there, this nice looking room, that I don't feel cozy in. I felt cozy in Loveland. Maybe that's the difference. I want to walk into my house and automatically feel relaxed. Like I know that no one will bother me. It's a safe place, where I can just sit peacefully. In Loveland, coming home was instant relaxation. Like I would breath a sigh of relief the instant I turned the corner and saw the house. Here, I just see the house, still sometimes nearly pass it, and then think "oh, that's my house." It's surreal almost. Maybe it's just our lifestyle. I really liked who we were in Colorado. Not that it was perfect. There were definitely things that drove me crazy there. But, overall, I really liked our lifestyle there. We're different here. Or different there maybe it is....I don't know. Maybe I just don't like my position right now so I daydream too much about when I did like it. Right now, I really don't like the classes I'm in (except one). Although I have tons to do for school, my schedule is flexible, and Jesse's schedule is just weird. I always get my days mixed up. Each day, I know what all needs to be done, but there is no order to it really, besides whatever order I give it. And then I wonder what in the world am I doing? Do I even really want this degree or is this just something to do? I guess when I really think and answer that question, I know the answer. I want it. But maybe I don't want to want it. I don't like being a student. I don't like the connotation of it. I don't like the label of it. I don't like the debt that goes with it. I have major issues with the education system in America and I don't really want to be a part of it. But, then I have to go and want this degree so much, which totally messes up my rebellion against the system. Ugh. At least I am married to an "uneducated" man. That gives me hope. (Be strong Jesse! Hold out!) Anyway, all in all, I have decided staying home all day makes you nuts! So the simple solution should be to just get a job, but then there's that whole God thing where He told me to stop looking for jobs. I've been "checking in" on that one lately to see if it still applies. Anyway, so I compare this state of life, and I know it's probably not good or healthy to do all this comparing, but lately, I do think about the "good ol' days" when I had a job that I liked, that paid well, the hours were great, my boss was amazing, Jesse's schedule worked well with mine, and we had our own little cozy place at the foot of the mountains. I don't know. Maybe I should just repaint the living room brown. Oddly enough, that may just solve some of this stress!