PhD's and stuff part II

I have been pouring over the options upon graduation over the last few days and my head has been spinning because of it. I've been doing a lot of research and trying to narrow in on what I want. I think at this point I have ruled out the PhD in neuroscience and the PhD in clinical psychology. I think the schooling part of it would be amazingly fun and interesting, and I think I'd really love studying both, but for jobs, those two degrees really lead to 2 main things: teaching or research. I don't want to be a professor, and research could be interesting, but it brings up a lot of ethical issues for me. So much of medical research is done with animals, and I have an extremely difficult time deciding over whether I think the end results justify the means. While not all research involves animals, there is a good chance that I'd be faced with that dilemma more than a few times in a research career. I don't want to deal with it, and I don't want to have to come to a conclusion about what I believe about it all, so basically, I think those two paths are probably not worth it to me. Maybe my mind will change later, but for now, I am forgetting about them.

Social work is still on the table, same feelings as before.

Getting a job is still on the table, and part of this option would be a sigh of relief. Instead of spending my last year of school prepping for med school and taking all kinds of bio and chem classes, I could take whatever I want, like French, or art, so it would be a year full of fun learning and doing whatever I want. And I wouldn't be so hard on myself about grades if I knew that I wasn't planning to go to grad school. Right now, I treat myself in a way that I'd never treat anyone else about grades, and I know it's unhealthy, but some part of me (uh, let's see - could it be the control freak...or maybe the anal psycho...) refuses to accept anything less than perfection on my transcript, and I think part of it is the pressure of getting into grad school and competing for grants. Anyway, it would be a relief to have that burden lifted.

Then finally the med school route is on the table, and this is the one really wracking my brain. I want this. But I want other things too. If I were single, no doubt this is what I would do...but I'm married, and we want to have kids in a few years, and med school wants and family wants are not super compatible at this stage in life. I mean, I know it can be done, but something will suffer doing it all, especially with the timing of things. Jesse and I were doing some math yesterday evening thinking over things, and we figure it would be about 2023 when I would finally arrive at my goal - 16 years from now. (I want to specialize in neurosurgery....in short - that's 2 years finishing my bachelor's, 5 years med school, 3 years residency, and 5-6 years fellowship.) That is some commitment. And it's an intensive commitment. Residents easily work 80 hour weeks, sometimes on 30 hour shifts. I watched a friend go through it, and if he actually had time to show up at social events, his face was white, his eyes were glazed, and he was extremely exhausted. I'd be spending so much time away from home. It would be hard on Jesse and I. I know we could make it, but is it worth it? And kids...no way I could just squeeze in a pregnancy or two during this training and keep at it, but waiting 16 years to have kids? By that stage in my life, it would be a greater risk for both my health and the baby's health. We have talked about adoption, and Jesse is an amazingly supportive husband and has said that he would quit his job to stay home with kids if I wanted to pursue med school, but even then, would my kids not really know their mom for the first few years of their life because she's always away at the hospital? Is that really worth it? If I were single, heck yea, I'd go for this, but with it being such a big commitment, I can't just jump in and not think about how it will affect both my future, and Jesse's future, and about what things in life I'd need to give up in order to pursue this.

I know I don't need to figure out all of these answers today or even tomorrow, but I do need to decide somewhat, as the rest of my undergrad classes will be dictated by what I plan to do upon graduation. All in all, I don't want to decide to get something today that will prevent me from getting what I want tomorrow.