Goodbye, Old Friend

Dear Abe,

I don't know how to say bye to you. I'm so sorry it ended like this. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could have given you better in your final days. I wish you didn't hurt. I wish I could take all the pain away. I hope I didn't keep you here too long. I hope I didn't keep you here too short. I hope I wasn't blind to your pain because I selfishly just wanted to keep you with me forever. I don't know why the world can be so cruel sometimes. I know you didn't deserve the cards life handed you. I have so many good memories because of you. You will always stay in a deep, deep place in my heart. You were so determined in everything. I guess you knew you were coming into a house full of stubborn heads, and decided in your heart to outdo all of us. You kept us up for hours when it thundered outside. You shredded the mini blinds when Jesse and I went to the U2 concert. You ran through my mom's screen door and knocked the entire thing out. You barked and barked and barked. And when we'd scold you, you would squint up your eyes and look to the side and you made it so hard for us to be serious because of your funny, mischievous face. You sass barked me under your breath every time I made you stop something. You always made me laugh. And when I'd cry, you would hunker down and leave the room. You didn't ever want to see me sad. And at night when I was home alone, you comforted me. The sound of your breath at the foot of the bed made me feel like I wasn't so alone, and the world wasn't so scary. I hope I was able to give you at least some of that feeling today, but I wish I could have done better. I'll miss your courage, your heart, your happy, alert ears bobbing up and down on walks, your big, deep bark, your monster paw reaching out to me for attention. There is nothing about you I won't miss - nothing. I hope you know that. You will always be my Big Abe, and you will always be loved. Goodbye, old friend.

Mastery

I've been thinking a lot lately about mastery. There are many people I know who have had a straight path in their career, and who have essentially become masters of their domain. They know specific, in-depth information about their field. My mom, for instance - as far as I know, she wanted to be a teacher as a child and grew up to be one. She now knows a ton about kids, child development, disorders, legal issues within education. Essentially, I consider her an "expert" on the topic. Other friends of mine wanted to be doctors from the time they were 10, and off to med school they went and are now practicing. They are medical experts.

And then there's people like me. When I was a kid, I can remember wanting to be a number of things: marine biologist, real estate agent, actress, missionary, vet, interior designer, midwife, surgeon... I never just "knew" what I wanted like some people seem to know. As a result, today I have a wide range of shallow knowledge on a number of topics. No doubt a result of my trying a number of career and educational paths. I can tell you about various cultures, dog training, art, the entire flea life cycle, accounting, and even spell it all out for you in sign language if you really wanted...accented with a few French or Spanish phrases here and there. While I can tell you the basics of those topics and many more, I can't give you in-depth knowledge about any of them (nor can I speak fluently in ASL, French, or Spanish). I am not an expert at anything. Whereas, some people know a lot about a little (experts), I know a little about a lot (jack of all trades perhaps?) (Disclaimer: Just in case that last sentence came out wrong - I'm not saying experts don't know anything outside of their field, I'm just pointing out how deep their knowledge of one specific field goes.)

I suppose both have their right place in society, but I must admit I do at times envy the experts. How did one topic capture and hold your attention so that you were able to learn and grow so deep and rich in it? Did you ever wonder if you were missing out on anything else? Is it just a matter of discipline? Are jack of all trades people like me just basically flaky or are we brave?

It's just that, few things in my life have "stuck" and I don't know why. I know it's not for the lack of sincerity, but I suppose I get bored and want to move on to the next shiny thing that catches my eye. Does this just mean I haven't found my "thing" or is this just an inherent part of my personality, where I'm forever doomed to wander to and fro?

Sigh. Who knows.

At least the biggest commitment I ever made has stuck. One "thing" that still holds my attention, fascinates my mind, and warms my heart. But, last time I checked they weren't hiring experts on Mr. Nikkel.

A New Look

I'm playing around with a new look for this, so it may look awkward for the next few days and/or weeks until I figure something out. I really miss the Mac. Photo stuff was so much easier on there! So bear with me as I change things around and it looks funny or weird or out of place until it all settles in. =)

Decisions. Check.

Well, I think by now most of you know that we decided to keep Miss Monkey. I personally think this is 100% Jesse's doing, but he still tries to blame me on occasion. Since deciding to keep her, we have been trying to hit the training very hard. So far, we have worked most on the crate training, and a few basic commands - come, leave it, sit, and lay down. She is getting pretty good at all of them and seems to be warming up to her crate very nicely, taking naps in there and such. After she has mastered those, we will work on stay, speak, and quiet. Then once she has all of the basic commands down 100%, we will move on to useless, but cute tricks.

Currently, there is Monkey madness at the back door (aka: jumping, banging, pawing to come back in). Horton and Abe "knock" very nicely and politely, but Monkey goes ape. (Lame joke not intended.) It is a project training her. I took a lot for granted with Horton and Abe. Because they were older when we got them, they were (are) mellow, calm, already trained with the basics, and wonderful with each other - sharing food, beds, sleeping next to each other, great buddies with no fights at all, even when first introduced. It was always difficult to tell who was alpha and who was on bottom because they both just kind of went with the flow.

Monkey isn't so easy. Since she's a puppy, she's wild and crazy and doesn't know the rules. She is also figuring out her place in the pack, which has caused a few tiffs. I think (hope) they have all finally settled into their hierarchy at this point. Monkey is on top and Abe is the bottom rung. It kind of broke my heart to see Abe be demoted like that, but I know that what they need from me most is non-favoritism, consistency, and to support what nature created. So, we all know our place in the pack now and I need to just make sure I do my role. Hopefully I am making Cesar proud with my "calm and assertive" leadership. =)

We also finally made a decision about grad school. We decided that if I get in, I will only accept under certain conditions (x amount of stipend, etc.) Our "conditions" are pretty high and I highly doubt it will all pan out, but I am getting to be okay with that.

The positives of me not going are many, the most exciting of which is getting to live in the same place as Jesse! Behind that is being able to take a vacation, and doing more house projects. A couple weeks ago we went to Barnes and Noble and looked at house books. We thought of some really cool ideas for converting our garage to another bed/bath. And we have vacation narrowed down to two places - one of them is a given (Disney) and the other is Belize. Of course, we talk about all of this but we will need to find the money for it before it actually happens! The tax refund at least gives us a nice chunk to start saving with.

Otherwise, I am finally able to work in the gardens this weekend, getting lettuce and sugar snap peas in. My daffodils are in full bloom and make me happy every time I drive up to our house. And my tulips are just beginning to peek out. This spring is especially exciting as there are so many big changes/things around the bend. Not too much longer and Jesse will be running his first half marathon, which I am very excited about. He is becoming one buff guy.

Religulous

Jesse and I rented Religulous the other night. It's a documentary with Bill Maher, who I haven't really watched much of before. Apparently, it has been called "one of the funniest and most offensive documentaries ever made". I didn't really view it as offensive, though I can see how many people would, and for that reason, I won't publicly recommend it. It's pretty raw (even perhaps crude) in the way that it questions faith and religion, but I think it's a very honest raw and for that reason, I can respect it. Plus, it is full of the sarcastic humor I love so dearly. And besides that, many of the doubts it highlights are very familiar to me. The film spends a good portion on Christianity, but also peeks into Islam, Mormonism, and some other pockets of religions with smaller followings.

I think the point of the film is summed up in three quotes scattered throughout:

The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man to destructive courses, the world actually could come to an end.

If the world does come to an end here, or wherever, or if it limps into the future decimated by the effects of religion-inspired nuclear terrorism, let's remember what the real problem was: that we learned how to precipitate mass death before we got passed the neurological disorder of wishing for it.

The plain fact is that religion must die for mankind to live.

I don't know that I agree with the end conclusion, but I definitely see where it's coming from. No one can deny that religion or some form of defining belief system have caused the vast majority, if not 100% of all wars in the world. And most religions cling to some sort of "final days" mentality where the world will be judged/destroyed, and the faithful will live happily ever after, while the evil will die or receive their just punishment. I get what Bill Maher is saying when he talks about the irony of that mentality and I get the damage done, the danger of religion.

But I also get the fact that faith is often the only thing that keeps people alive in really, really crappy situations. It is hope in a crazy, scary world. So, I don't think faith is necessarily the problem. How we use it is. And I won't argue with anyone who says it's misused, because it is. But, faith still has a place in this world. To be extreme either way (like trying to fight the injustice of religion by calling for its destruction) is just as dangerous as the other. After all, even not believing is a belief system, and calling for others to not believe is a "witness" or "conversation attempt" of some sort.

I'm sorry for all the times in my life when I've been "sure", because looking back, I can see that I may have done more damage than good. My certainty made me blind and arrogant.

Really, I think we're all wise to recognize that the world and God and faith are a lot more gray than black or white. I think we're all wise to recognize that we should never stop seeking, because the moment we stop is the moment we enter into that dangerous territory of arrogance and judgement. And I think we're all wise to offer a little more grace to those around us, realizing that they are really just like us - trying to make sense of it all, trying to do what is right by God.

I Promise I Have a Life Outside of My Dogs...Honest.

The fate of Miss Monkey is still unknown, but here are some pictures anyway. We went ahead and bought a third dog bed, which Horton and Abe have taken to sharing. We aren't sure if they do this to get away from Monkey madness or if they both just really like the new bed. Poor old Abe can usually only manage to get his front half on the bed before his back gives out. This sort of works to our advantage when he has accidents - much easier to clean up on hardwood than a soft, absorbent bed. This is our nightly doggie routine. We have Abe's wiener cleaner, his antibiotics, his pain meds, his eye drops, and Monkey girl got in on the pill action by adding antibiotics and steroids to the mix. Turns out her rash thing isn't mange (thankfully!), but she does have some sort of allergy, plus it had a secondary infection from her scratching at it. After a couple weeks, she will be med free. (Though she does have a spay appt. on Wednesday, and I imagine she may have yet more meds after that.) Anyway, apparently, if a dog is high maintenance, it comes to live at the Nikkel house.
I personally think I am being much stronger than Jesse with trying not to get too connected to Monkey. He is a sucker! I often overhear him whispering/talking to her: "Go suck up to Natasha. Go put your head on her lap and show her you love her." or he will come up to me with Monkey and put his face by hers and then they both give me puppy dog eyes.
Monkey really doesn't photograph well, but you can get a better idea of what she looks like in this one.
And just because Abe is cute and we love him...
Monkey is harder to get a photo of because she's so squirmy and likes to do her puppy wiggles. This is the best one I have gotten of her face so far.
We took her and the boys up to my mom's house yesterday. She and Riley didn't get along too well, but Horton and Riley didn't get along when they first met either. She acted pretty scared and skittish at first when we got there and was being a grump, but after she warmed up to the place, she was running around happily. She enjoyed playing with my brother's puppy, but sometimes I wasn't sure if she realized that she is about 5 or 6 times bigger than he is, as she made him yelp once or twice. She is definitely still in the puppy stage and needs guidance and/or redirection often. She sometimes thinks it's fun to move socks and/or shoes around the house. She doesn't really chew on them, but we have been finding one or two random shoes or a sock in odd places. Mostly though, she understands that her toys are okay to chew on and carry around, but other objects are not. She sits quite nicely when she thinks you have a treat and she is slowly learning "off", "leave it", and "drop it". And although we have three Kongs, one for each dog, she wants whatever Kong the other dogs have. Abe put her in her place the other day by snapping at her and from that point, she sat down and stared at the Kong longingly, but she was very good to stay away from it. I think she's a pretty smart pup and with some training, she would make a wonderful and obedient dog. I am really pleased with how well she interacts with Horton and Abe. Horton is losing weight from being so much more active and playing, which is great, because he had really tubbed up over winter. And Abe doesn't really play with her, but he is more alert and seems to be pretty content with another dog around. That was my main concern. I didn't want my old guy thinking that he was being replaced or getting stressed out from too much activity in the house. Now, Abe is sort of like the old wise man in the village. He generally flies solo, but he will correct the youngsters when they get out of line and everyone is quick to listen to his reprimand. So, maybe Monkey has been a good thing for him. I just don't know.

Monkey is like my physical daily reminder that I have so many looming life decisions to be made. Sigh...what will we do with you Monkey girl?

Mocha Monkey Girl

So we are officially fostering the pup. I took her to the shelter last night so that we could get her photos taken and get some paperwork lined out for her. The shelter told me they were going to list her online as "Mocha", but that we could call her whatever we wanted. We figured it may be better if we call her some form of Mocha so that when people meet her, if they say that name, she will respond. So, now she is some form of Mocha Monkey Girl...Miss Monkey Mocha Moo...whatever plops out beginning with M basically. My biggest concern at this point is that she is really itchy on her legs and belly with little scabs or something and I'm kind of worried she has some form of mange...which is contagious to other animals and humans. Hopefully it's not that, but until she gets in to see the vet, I will be a bit worried. We have to wait for the shelter to schedule the vet appt. because they have special terms and what not worked out with certain vets, so we can't just take her in ourselves. So, say a prayer for no scabies/mange/mites at our house until then!!! I kind of wish we could just take her ourselves to put my mind at ease. Oh well...wait we will. We also don't know if she is spayed or not, so I suppose at any given moment she could go into heat, which would suck. So, I'm hoping for a vet appt. sooner over later for this girl!! Once her ad is up online, I'll post a link. We have to wait a while anyway because legally we need to give the original owner a chance to reclaim her before she can be officially put into any adoption system. Once she is up for adoption, we have to take her every Saturday to one of two adoption events put on by the shelter and we also have to be willing to arrange for meetings for people who contact the shelter saying they are interested. I think it's going to be awfully tough to drop her off on a Saturday morning and not know whether or not I will ever see her again. But, I have to tell myself with life circumstances for us, it's just not the right thing to do to keep her. Not only do we have an old Abe on our hands, but if I get into grad school, I'll be moving and life will be crazy enough. It just wouldn't be fair to a dog. But, if no one has adopted her by the time I hear about grad school and I don't get in....then maybe we will rethink the situation. I don't think that's likely though. She is very cute and will make a great pet, so my guess is that she will be adopted out within a month or so.

Anyone Want A Dog?

Most of you know our "boys" are very much part of our little family. Abe has been getting older and older and we've been thinking he may be in his last few months. I have wanted to be a foster home for the shelter for a while now, but we decided that the best thing to do would be the wait until Abe has passed, because we don't know how well he would do with a young and energetic dog in the house. Even mellow Horton, at nearly 10 years, can be a little much for Abe at times. And being that most dogs at the shelter are younger, it just didn't seem like the right thing to foster. So we decided our little family should remain just the four of us.
I should know that anytime you make a decision in life, or talk about something like it's a sure thing, life circumstances will immediately change to prove you wrong. Last night I got a phone call from Jesse. It went like this:

Me: Hey!
J: I have a dog and it's coming home with me.

It was a stray, running around the university campus (which sits smack in in the middle of very busy city roads). No collar and no microchip. (By the way, what is up with people? - if you have a dog, it needs at the very, very least, a collar with your contact info or a rabies tag with your vet's info.) She most definitely has some Shar Pei in her, and possibly some Chesapeake Bay Retriever. And she stinks like chemicals or pesticides or something. I can't wait to give her a bath. She doesn't have fleas, but she has been itching a lot, which makes me wonder if someone either applied something to her coat to kill some insect that has left little itchy bites on her, or if she is itching because she's having a reaction to whatever chemical thing they put on her. Anyway, Jesse posted everywhere online about this doggie and put up signs in the area he found it, but we have had no one contact us.

So that leaves us wondering what to do. We have a few options....I could try to get her into the system at the shelter I work with, but I know last weekend when I was there, they were jammed full. I could take it to work and kennel it there until we find a home, but they don't really do much screening of people the same way that a potential owner at the shelter would be screened - just different mentalities and reasons for existing. Or we could keep it. Or I could see if the shelter will at least put it in their system and then we could foster it. We don't know. We decided we will wait until tomorrow to see if anyone contacts us and then decide from there.

In the meantime, we have been trying to decide what to call her until we decide. So far we have tried Tango, Brown, and Monkey, but are having a hard time finding a name that seems fitting. Any ideas???

Horton and Abe are being very hospitable, as they always are with other doggies. In fact, she fits in quite well. She even "knocks" on the back door to come back in just like Horton and Abe. This morning she and Horton played and played and when I peeked out the window, they were terribly cute taking a breather together.

I didn't really see much of her last night, because by the time Jesse got home with her, I was pretty much ready to go to sleep. So, when I got up this morning I wasn't sure how she would react to me. But, she sat down beside me and snuggled right up against my leg as soon as I got up. Kind of makes it hard to not start getting attached.


Anyway, I have a feeling she is not going to be reunited with her original owner since we have had no luck at all with that route. So....anyone want a dog?

The Pattern of Life

I've thought a lot the last few years about career and family and what it means to be a woman walking somewhere in between (which I don't technically consider myself to be part of, because I don't have kids yet). Even so, feeling like someday I'll have to choose has weighed heavily on me at times. I think it is a pertinent issue for women in my generation, whether or not it's consciously on women's minds.

As I look toward the possibility of grad school, I feel very mixed. In so many ways, I want it to work out, yet there must be some part of me that would just feel all together relieved if it doesn't. The program I applied to is out of state, which I don't think I've ever mentioned on here before. So, to go means living apart from Jesse for a while (because of the house and other details), putting us in a harder spot financially due to the living arrangements plus the likelihood of more student loans and basically starting life fresh somewhere else - alone. But it also means a really, really good step toward building my career. To not go, means I'll most likely slink into some job that is just so-so and helps pays bills. But it also means being in the same place as Jesse and the finances feeling some relief since one of us would be done with school all together. Both versions of life have appeal and drawbacks.

I've been realizing more and more, there are very few "right or wrong" decisions in life. Most are just different, with different ups and downs. Of course, many have heavy implications - like this whole grad school thing for instance, would probably have a big impact on when we have kids. But, it's not like there is a right or wrong time to go through big life changes. Yet somehow, there is this pressure about right and wrong times in life. Not just for women, but people in general. For instance, if people aren't married by about age 30, they get a lot of questions or people trying to hook them up, as if something must be wrong, because they aren't following the right life pattern. Or if kids aren't had by x years into marriage, there is a lot of question and assumption. I've even been asked "Why don't you want kids?", a question based on the fact that I've been married a while and don't plan to have kids in the near future. Or not going to college right after high school, that was like the end of the world to some people when I announced I wasn't going - as if I had just given up all chance of ever graduating. And I remember this past holiday having a conversation with a parent who was deeply, deeply concerned that their high school senior child didn't want to go to college right away. But...universities are always open...even for people who aren't 18. So why is it that people get so bent out of shape when you (or they) don't follow the "pattern"? And who made up this pattern anyway? It's all so silly. And I've been very guilty of living by the pattern, whereby I put all these deadlines on myself.

Well, if we decide to have kids biologically instead of adopt, then the risk of birth defects begins increasing starting at age 30, and by age 35, well just forget it...but if I go to grad school, that hardly leaves any time to work in a career that I worked so hard for before I'd be nearly out of time to have kids and then I'd just be giving up everything I worked so hard to get in the first place... and so was the pressure of the pattern.

Now, I've realized that either way will be okay. If I go to grad school, if I don't - life will be dramatically different either way, but both options, in one way or another, get me closer to the life that I want to build.

I think I've finally realized, the most important thing is not what I do, but who I love.

And love can look a lot of different ways.

Names

Have you ever googled yourself and been really disappointed that there are other people who share your name that post really, really stupid stuff online? And then you hope that in this day and age, with all the networking sites, people from your past don't go looking for you and then see the sites with the other person with your name and think it's you? Or have you ever owned a domain with some variation of your name, let it expire, and then have it bought by someone else who turns it into an adult porn site? Because I have.

Ahhhh, the beauty of the googler on the internets.

Jesse's Birthday

I was video taping when Jesse was opening his present, but I also wanted photos, so I made him reopen his present for photos. So this is his reenactment of the gift opening (which is much more dramatic than the real thing was):

I got him a remote car starter. We have one in the Passport already, which was either my birthday or Christmas present one year when we lived in Colorado. Anyway, I usually drive the Passport, so Jesse has been stuck with the cold car all these years. So, hopefully this will make his mornings a bit cheerier. We had amazing weather for February, which made Horton and Abe very happy because they got two walks, plus lots of outside time. (And I was super happy because I noticed that some of my bulbs are coming up out front, which means spring is definitely on the way!)

We went to Chipotle, ate on the patio, took in an afternoon movie and had a low key evening with the dogs. And of course, we kept the two birthday traditions of me "secretly" decorating the bathroom with candy and streamers while Jesse is "sleeping" (it's sort of like Santa when you are 13...everyone knows what's really happening, but you keep up with the game just for fun), and of the ice cream cake that always looks totally horrendous, but gets eaten very quickly.

Happy Nuggets

Since becoming a vegetarian, I have lowered my cholesterol about 50 points!

We have been sleeping on the new mattress for a few weeks now and have not suffered any SADS.

I found a new doggie store that carries a huge selection of treats that Horton can actually eat, plus they sell our dog food for way cheaper than the other place we were going to.

I finished my grad school application yesterday and Jesse FedEx'ed it for me today.

I am going into week 4 of my semester, which means only 12 total weeks of school left!

Jesse's birthday is coming up very soon.

It looks like we will still get a tax refund this year. (Weren't sure how taxes would work out because I am technically an "independent contractor" at my job, so there was no withholding on my paychecks.)

Just a few more weeks and I can sew lettuce and spinach.

There is a good chance I will get to cheer Jesse on for his first half marathon in none other than Calgary!

Made in the USA

I used to think that I could generally trust that if a product was made in the USA, the worker received at least minimum wage and was protected under US federal labor laws. However, it has unfortunately been pointed out me via one of my classes this semester (aptly named "Social Problems") that this is not actually the case. If you have ten minutes or so, please check out this video. (Watch the Quick time version, as the Real Play one has issues.)

I'm deeply ashamed that any part of the U.S. - territory or mainland, would allow this type of stuff to go on. It's deceiving to consumers who have put their trust in the government and the "Made in the USA" label, and it's deeply deceiving to the foreign nationals who have put their hope in the US as a place that could help provide a better life. I just feel so ashamed of the deceit that happens in the name of my country. And again, with so many of these workers coming from the Philippines, it's even more personal to me, because I imagine some of the people I know there - and this could have been them.

No one takes ownership of these problems and I think that is our issue. The government says they send OSHA inspectors. The retailers say they passed inspection. The consumers say they didn't know. Well, now (if you watched the video), you know. And knowing means responsibility.

No matter how far down the chain the consumer is, we play a part in this stuff if we purchase the products. Sad to say, my all time favorite jeans are found at the GAP. I had done research on them before because they have been accused of child labor and other things in years past, and I sincerely thought they had cleaned up their act in modern times. And indeed, I do believe they have made strides comparative to where they used to be. However, in light of this video, I think I'll have to put any GAP shopping on hold. Poop on you, greedy corporations.

Heartwarming Video of the Day

I love this clip!


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Another Year Passes

I figured it was about time for a "life in general" post.

Following up on a couple things I have already mentioned...

First, the post I wrote about the dog across the street. As the weather got colder and colder, I finally couldn't take it anymore and called animal control. So, animal control came by, called the number on the realtor's sign, got the owner's info, and the owner immediately came to the house and picked up the dog. He told the other neighbor that it is now living at his parent's house. I wondered for days if I did the right thing or not, not wanting to be a "mean person" or a "bad neighbor", and trying to be empathetic that this guy is going through a rough time. But, one day I realized that the owner had more than enough opportunities to correct the situation, between us and another neighbor offering to take the dog, as well as all of us expressing concern about how often the dog is getting food/water. And really, in the end, it all boiled down to human selfishness (the owner's selfishness in not giving up a dog that he clearly could not care for, as well as my own selfishness with being more concerned about "not causing a stir" than doing the right thing), and the only one feeling the consequences of all the selfishness was the little puppy. I really questioned myself after I called. But now that it's all blown over, I think it was the right thing to do. The weather the last couple weeks has been terribly cold, and the shelter gets word of numerous cases where animals are found literally frozen to the ground from being outside in the night during winter. I would have hated myself for months if I woke up one morning and went to check on the puppy, only to find out that he died that way. So, hopefully he is now living in better conditions. At the least, if he is living in an "occupied" house, then someone is checking on him every day, which means he would be getting food and water every day, which is better than what it was.

As for jobs, I took one at a vet clinic. So, I'm doing that, as well as still working with my current bosses. I can honestly see things going either way - really great or really not great. Time will tell.

Otherwise, I think Jesse and I are both very excited about 2009. Lots of unknowns, which means lots of possibilities. With Jesse, there is the possibility of some engineering internships and a potential strike at United, both of which obviously mean job uncertainties....but in a good way I think. He is also planning his first half marathon this summer, followed hopefully by his first full marathon next fall. And for me there is the possibility of grad school or a new job. I guess in about 5 months I will know which direction to head in. I'm excited though. I feel like I've finally figured out what I really want to do in my career, besides just the vague "I want a job that matters to me". And knowing more specifics is somewhat freeing. Otherwise, it's just kind of like drinking from a fire hose. So, there is a lot of potential change coming this year. And there is also the potential that things will stay as they are. Who knows. Again, time will tell.

Anyway, to end...here are my "year in review" lists...

Highs of 2008:
Going back to art!
Leaving art! (How many times is that now?)
Disney World
New sister-in-law
Shelter doggies
Witnessing Barack Obama take the presidency
Getting to take a third class unexpectedly with my all time favorite instructor
Car fully paid off
Political/spiritual conversations with Jesse
Two new pergolas (And was the bathroom this year too? It's all blurry.)

Lows of 2008:
Cleaning up approximately 2.3 tons of Abe schnipe
Horton developing yet more allergies
Paying out the wazoo for the aforementioned schniping and allergy issues
First ever mouse in the house
Poopy economy making our house value plummet

Reasons this year will be good:
Graduation
Maybe fostering doggies (still pondering if Grandpa Abe could handle it)
Disney World! (I'm just sneaking that one in to see if Jesse will play along.)
The vines we planted should grow lots since this will be their second summer
A host of house projects
7 years of marriage

How to Prevent SADS

Jesse and I recently went mattress shopping, which we were both very excited about. Our current mattress is in really bad pathetic shape. I was very anti-foam mattress (ones like Tempurpedic or memory foam), but ironically, we ended up buying a foam mattress. Figures. Anyway, we don't have it yet because they were out of stock, but it should be delivered this month sometime.

I'm a total nut when it comes to researching products, so before we went mattress shopping, I had been reading all these mattress reviews except for the ones about foam mattresses, because I just knew there was no way I wanted one of those. So, when we got home, I decided I needed to read all of the reviews about what we just purchased. And of course, I started coming across all of these articles on mattress off-gassing. Recently, the government mandated that all mattresses be sprayed with some chemical to make them totally fire retardant. Well, that chemical is quite toxic. And apparently, the foam mattresses are known for being the worst. So this all led into reading up about the toxins in mattresses and what not. I found some interesting information.

There is debate about whether or not mattress off-gassing is the cause behind SIDS. Some evidence points to yes, while others say no. But, they do know that having a fan on reduces an infant's risk of SIDS by over 70%...and in studies where babies sleep on wrapped mattress (meaning a plastic sheeting cover was applied in which no air could escape from the mattress), there have been zero cases of SIDS. And when you think about it...they say sleeping face down is a no-no, which does kind of make sense if the off-gassing thing is correct, because the baby would basically be directly inhaling the gasses all during the night vs. laying up right with their face away from them, or having a fan on, which would distribute the gasses across the room instead of having them concentrated around the baby's sleeping area. Scientifically, it's unproven, but I think there is enough evidence to warrant looking into this avenue more.

I know I move more into "hippie-nut-job-the-government-is-a-conspiracy" territory every day, but still.... back in the day when they were spraying asbestos on everything, no one thought a thing about it and now today we know they might as well have just implanted cancer cells into everyone. So who knows what things we use today that will in the future be totally prohibited for health reasons. And really, even if the off-gassing isn't the cause of SIDS, surely we could agree that it's not good for any infant to be breathing in toxic fumes.

In light of this new information, and our recent potentially toxic (yet hopefully extremely comfortable) mattress purchase, Jesse and I have decided to make a plan for the prevention of SADS - sudden adult death syndrome. =) Apparently, the "new mattress" smell is actually that toxic fire retardant chemical. So, I think we will leave it in the garage unwrapped for a few days or weeks until the initial smell is gone and it's aired out some. Then, I think we will be purchasing a polyethylene mattress wrap, which would serve two purposes - first, it totally seals off the air in and surrounding the mattress from the air in the room without interfering with the functioning of the foam (which is temperature sensitive and stuff like that) thereby helping me worry less about whether or not we are sleeping on a death bed, and two, it would also protect the mattress. Apparently, sweat really breaks down the foam and is one of the biggest causes of body impression in foam mattresses, so it is highly recommended to use some sort of barrier on the foam mattresses anyway.

So there you have it. I hope we don't regret going with the foam mattress. It was significantly more comfortable in the store than any other mattress we tried, but we also only laid on them for a few minutes. My main worry is that I will get too hot on the foam. Because you kind of sink down into it and stuff, I feel like it would be hotter than other mattresses. And I hate sleeping hot. Yet it felt so comfortable. Hm.

OH! Also, I meant to blog this the other day. I was grocery shopping and had a big craving for salsa. I decided to "splurge" and buy the pre-made stuff (not the canned stuff, the fresh stuff made by the deli that's chilled). I was really looking forward to it. So, I got home, I took a bite, and as I was eating, I thought to myself "This is really sweet. I wonder if they add sugar." So I turned it over and read the ingredients...and what do I find.... CHICKEN FAT (well, as part of chicken bouillon) - What the!?!? In salsa? You would think salsa would pretty much be a guaranteed vegetarian dish, but no. (And also, did you know that many cans of icing are made with beef fat? I always have to check the ingredients now before I buy the premade frostings. Some flavors/brands have it, others don't. But, really, the thought of that while eating a cupcake is vomitous, not just because I'm a vegetarian, but just because.) Anyway, needless to say, I didn't eat anymore salsa and made Jesse take it to work to get rid of it. I am still bitter though. My big grocery store splurge is laden with chicken fat and I am still craving salsa.

So lesson of the week: Check the ingredient list before you buy....in food and in mattresses. =)

Christmas Happenings

I can hardly believe Christmas has come and gone. This year, November and December went by faster than ever.

On Christmas Eve, we went up to my mom's house. Horton is always cute during car rides that last longer than 10 minutes. He usually hangs his head over the seat in between Jesse and I and just stares at us, occasionally sighing. This round, we had presents stacked in between the seats, so he couldn't hang his head in the usual manner, though he did try.

On the drive up, Jesse told me his Christmas present to my mom would be that he wouldn't flip her off in any photos. Apparently, I was exempt from this gift.
Jesse may act tough with his middle finger and all, but he is really a softie...as evidenced by this little snuggle with Jackson, my brother's dog. I think Jackson was giving him some kisses.
Jackson weighs 8 lbs. Abe weighs 98 lbs.

My mom ordered an ice cream cake. Mmmmm...
More evidence of the softer side... that's Jackson laying between Jesse's legs. They had a nice little nap together.
There is a long running joke in our family about "smelling the leaves". Here, my mom had just unwrapped a candle from my brother, which was aptly named "leaves". And as you can see, Abe and Riley were very content to watch it all unfold.
These are from the following day when we went down to my aunt and uncle's house to see my Dad's side of the family.
Horton and Abe didn't get to join in on this celebration, but my aunt and uncle do have two dogs who weren't shy about asking for some affection. This is Merris.
This is three generations of the guys on my Dad's side (plus one toddler thrown in for good measure).
And now...here comes 2009!

Warning to Men

Thanks to Dale for this video:

Rambling about something which I've yet to determine...

I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness and what my "ideally happy" life would look like. I'm nearing graduation, which has meant making a lot of choices about where I want to head. Unintentionally, it has made me face a lot of realities about what I believe about life, and what I want out of it.

If I'm being honest, I really regret ever going to college. It is the first thing in my life that I can say I truly would probably not repeat if I were to make the choice again. Even hard times, tough times that I've gone through, most of them, I would probably choose again because I feel like they shaped me in some important way. But college, if I am being honest with myself, I went for the wrong reasons, and a big part of me feels deeply ashamed of my choice, because I know the depths of how cowardly my choice was.

I know a lot of people think I was nuts for not going in the first place, and many even view non-college grads as people who have made bad life decisions. I've met my fair share of people who judged me for not going or gave me a big "good for you" when they found out I "went back" - the same type of "good for you" that I would imagine someone would say to an alcoholic who was celebrating their first year sober. The implied You must have messed your past up. I'm glad you're getting your act together now. is hard to deny. It used to make me angry when people would judge me like that, but I've learned it's merely a difference of opinion, one that we probably won't be seeing eye to eye on anytime soon.

My hope now is that someday in the future, my degree will actually allow me to do something that I couldn't do without it. If I get into grad school, then maybe I won't regret it anymore. But we only know what we know now, and right now, I'm disappointed in myself for ever having gone. Not that I didn't learn some things, because I certainly did. But, I feel the majority of it was time spent wasted pursuing something that I never even wanted in the first place (and I'm not just talking about the degree).

But, for whatever reasons, I am where I am, and now I am figuring out where to go. Part of me worries that I have limited my opportunity by going. I feel so very tied down in life. More than I ever have before. It used to be, for both Jesse and I, this mentality of the world being at our fingertips. We were free to dive in and try anything that we dreamed. And we did. We tried many things. We failed at many things. We succeeded at many things. But now I just feel kind of stuck. I feel like I have all these strings and attachments that I never wanted - student loan debt, a house in a market that is upside down... and I feel so limited. It used to be that anything I could dream, I could do. And now, there is all this sticky red tape. I can still do anything, but it's a whole lot harder now because first I have to deal with all my strings that I got myself all tangled up in.

And I worry for Jesse. He is getting his degree now too. Is he doing it for better reasons than I did it for? Is it freeing him or is it tangling him up in strings?

I just want to live simply. I don't want all this stuff. I don't even need all this stuff. Yesterday, we cleaned out our closet and produced four trash bags full of clothes. And the closet is still full.

This excess has been on my mind a lot lately. Friday evening, Jesse and I went to visit an old friend of mine, who has recently moved to live in a community downtown that I really identify with. They don't have much, but they use everything they have to its maximum potential. Collecting rain water from the roof to use for the gardens, which help feed them, processing a dead, donated deer all by themselves, slowly fixing up the building as they can, opening their doors to the homeless to come in and shower and get a fresh change of clothes, cooking meals to share, and just living to love. And what I perhaps most love about it, is that it's not charity. In order for someone to get something, they must give something. For instance, if a homeless person who comes in to shower wants a clean shirt, he must give his own shirt - same for shoes or whatever else. The community then launders it, and puts it back in the closet. Charities are good, and certainly needed, but a principle flaw of them that I have really struggled with is the mentality that can come along with them. It's so easy to get this mentality of pride and do-goodness where you get all puffed up because you did a good deed to help someone else. And indeed, I think we as humans are wired for that. Scientifically, it's been proven in study after study, doing good gives a chemical boost in the brain. But, I think we have to be careful that this doesn't become our principle reason for doing good, because then, it's really all about us and we've created some sort of "us and them" mentality in which we are the do-gooder and they are the receiver. And tangling someone up in "receiver" mode does nothing to help them in the long run. Not to mention it can be terribly degrading and rob them of their own dignity.

I didn't used to understand this. It hit me one day when we were working with Mercy Ships. One week, a free health clinic was set up by a few nearby doctor's offices. Mercy Ships staff were encouraged to go, both to volunteer and to receive the services. Jesse was having some health issues, so we signed up to go to receive. I didn't think much of it, until we got there. It was one of the most humiliating days of my life. Checking in, there were long tables set up, with the volunteers standing behind them, and people coming to receive the services on the other side of the tables. When we got to the table, I'll never forget the way the volunteers looked. They were happy. They were proud. But, it was apparent, that I was not one of them. They did not view me as equal. I was just this lower person, a pawn in their "do my good deed and get high" scheme. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, and most likely, every volunteer there was doing it with the best of (conscious) motives. Yet, it was very difficult to distinguish - who was benefiting more from this charity event - the volunteers or the people it was meant to serve? Having the tables, (literally!) turned on me, made me realize how deeply charity can strip a human of their dignity. It was such an ironic morning. Here, Jesse and I were devoting our entire lives to charity...we spent day in and day out "behind" the table, and this was my first taste of ever being in front of it. That day forever changed the way I view charity work, and I can recall the emotions with a very raw clarity.

It's not enough to just give. It's a matter of the heart, of "dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow", of taking a really, really hard honest look at why we do what we do - and being willing to change when the answer we find within isn't as pretty as we hoped.

So what is my point? Good question. I really have no idea. I'm just thinking...thinking about what community means, about what my life means, about balance and if there is such a thing, about what people deserve compared to what they get, and about whether or not I just ingested a moth when I ate that last bite of Fig Newton.

Does anyone ever reach a place where they can say they are truly satisfied in life? Do I try new things because I'm avoiding something, or because I'm seeking something? And where do you find truth when even your very own belief system is riddled with lies?

It's just that none of the answers in life that really matter are simple. That is, unless the rest of humanity knows something I don't. Bueller?...Bueller?...Anyone?

Thanksgiving and Dogs

I feel like the entire last month has just been a blur of activity.

This coming week is the last week of the semester for both Jesse and I. We will both be breathing a deep sigh of relief when it's all over. I also accepted a job at one of the vet clinics I was interviewing with and will be making adjustments. I am still not sure how scheduling will work out between both jobs, but at least I know my current bosses allow me some flexibility, so hopefully the transition will be as smooth as possible. Right now, we're operating in the "one day at a time" mode just trying to keep up with everything, but hopefully after the semester wraps up, the schedule will feel some relief and I'll have time to adjust to working both jobs before having to return back to school.

Speaking of dogs, I've been terribly stressed over the dog across the street this past week. The neighbors have definitely moved out, and are possibly in the process of being foreclosed on. The house went up for sale a month or two ago, and they moved out slowly, but another neighbor told us he thinks it is now in the foreclosure process and that they are in the middle of a divorce. Whatever the case, the people have moved, but the dog is still chained up in the backyard. We were a bit concerned before Thanksgiving, but kind of thought that maybe they just went away for the holiday for a few days and had someone else looking after the dog... well, it's become apparent that no one is really caring for the dog. The water dish has been completely frozen on numerous occasions, and his food dish has been empty. Another neighbor has fed him a couple times and has been checking in on him as well. The pattern seems to be that the owner stops by the house about once a week, dumps a bunch of food into this bucket (which isn't enough to last the dog all week) and then leaves within a matter of minutes. The poor thing is deprived of attention and if it were not for us and one other neighbor, would also be deprived of food and water on numerous days. We have attempted to contact the owner (via asking the realtor to relay a message to him with my contact info) and if I can get in touch with him, I am going to try to get him to sign the dog over to me so that we have legal ownership. If I can get that piece taken care of, then I will be able to work with the shelter to find him a home. I have already been talking with them about the dog, but I find myself anxiously awaiting a phone call or e-mail from the owner, and I have been looking out the window every time I hear a car door, just in case someone has stopped there. It is driving me crazy that I can't just go over there and take the dog. And everytime I wake up at night, I worry that the dog is over there just shivering. If I don't hear anything from the owner within a few days, I think I am going to have to call animal control, but I'd really rather not have to go that route. Anyway, you can pray this little pup is able to get into a new, safe home soon!!

Otherwise, here are a few photos from Thanksgiving that I meant to post a while ago.

My Grandpa loooooves Jesse. Here, he is showing him one of his guns. He has all kinds of guns from different wars and who knows where else. Anyway, for some reason, he loves to show Jesse different items from his travels, so last round, it was the guns.


Me and the grandparents...


This is from the next day, which I unfortunately don't really have many photos of. Abe got thirsty and decided his big noggin' might fit into my water cup, so he helped himself. The little dog next to him is Jackson, a recent addition to my brother's family. After Abe lapped up my water, I got myself a clean glass, and then caught Jackson drinking out of that one. Lesson learned - keep your drinks off the floor when the dogs are around!


The day after that (yes 3 days straight of Thanksgiving madness!), we went to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra, which was really good. Jesse and I had to cut out early though, since it was running late into the evening and Jesse had to get up early for work the next day.

Anyway, that was our Thanksgiving and now December is here and I can hardly believe it!