The Pattern of Life

I've thought a lot the last few years about career and family and what it means to be a woman walking somewhere in between (which I don't technically consider myself to be part of, because I don't have kids yet). Even so, feeling like someday I'll have to choose has weighed heavily on me at times. I think it is a pertinent issue for women in my generation, whether or not it's consciously on women's minds.

As I look toward the possibility of grad school, I feel very mixed. In so many ways, I want it to work out, yet there must be some part of me that would just feel all together relieved if it doesn't. The program I applied to is out of state, which I don't think I've ever mentioned on here before. So, to go means living apart from Jesse for a while (because of the house and other details), putting us in a harder spot financially due to the living arrangements plus the likelihood of more student loans and basically starting life fresh somewhere else - alone. But it also means a really, really good step toward building my career. To not go, means I'll most likely slink into some job that is just so-so and helps pays bills. But it also means being in the same place as Jesse and the finances feeling some relief since one of us would be done with school all together. Both versions of life have appeal and drawbacks.

I've been realizing more and more, there are very few "right or wrong" decisions in life. Most are just different, with different ups and downs. Of course, many have heavy implications - like this whole grad school thing for instance, would probably have a big impact on when we have kids. But, it's not like there is a right or wrong time to go through big life changes. Yet somehow, there is this pressure about right and wrong times in life. Not just for women, but people in general. For instance, if people aren't married by about age 30, they get a lot of questions or people trying to hook them up, as if something must be wrong, because they aren't following the right life pattern. Or if kids aren't had by x years into marriage, there is a lot of question and assumption. I've even been asked "Why don't you want kids?", a question based on the fact that I've been married a while and don't plan to have kids in the near future. Or not going to college right after high school, that was like the end of the world to some people when I announced I wasn't going - as if I had just given up all chance of ever graduating. And I remember this past holiday having a conversation with a parent who was deeply, deeply concerned that their high school senior child didn't want to go to college right away. But...universities are always open...even for people who aren't 18. So why is it that people get so bent out of shape when you (or they) don't follow the "pattern"? And who made up this pattern anyway? It's all so silly. And I've been very guilty of living by the pattern, whereby I put all these deadlines on myself.

Well, if we decide to have kids biologically instead of adopt, then the risk of birth defects begins increasing starting at age 30, and by age 35, well just forget it...but if I go to grad school, that hardly leaves any time to work in a career that I worked so hard for before I'd be nearly out of time to have kids and then I'd just be giving up everything I worked so hard to get in the first place... and so was the pressure of the pattern.

Now, I've realized that either way will be okay. If I go to grad school, if I don't - life will be dramatically different either way, but both options, in one way or another, get me closer to the life that I want to build.

I think I've finally realized, the most important thing is not what I do, but who I love.

And love can look a lot of different ways.