Sigh. Right now, I just need a place to vent and drop off a load of crap. I might not make any sense at all. (So why not publish it on my blog for all to see?)
I am just back from dropping off my brother's dog at his house. Long story, but basically my brother and sister-in-law are at the hospital right now as her Dad passes. They flew back in a rush a day or two ago after news that he had stopped breathing. It has been a really rough couple days for them complete with all the situations we'd never even wish upon our worst enemy...ventilators and brain damage and hard decisions.... I feel horrible for them and wish there was something more I could do. My mom has been on duty watching their daughter (my niece) and I know she too has had a really rough week, and I wish there was something more I could do to help her out, too.
I just feel like utter suck the last few days.
And this weekend is daylight savings. Please point me toward the dude who came up with that idea because I'd like to have a few words with him. So many people I really care about need rest now more than ever and we're just going to skip right over an hour tomorrow. I wish I could just scoop everyone up and shield them from the world for a few hours while they take a long, long nap. (And then I'd like to take one myself.)
And do you know what else? I had a prank go all wrong this week and possibly jacked some things up for a friend at work and I feel horrible. (As it turns out, other people paying the consequences of my actions is way worse than having to pay for them myself.)
And do you know what is weird? Nothing is wrong with my life. I have no big drama. I have no really sad news. I have no huge challenges right now. It is so ordinary and fine. It has been for a while. And something about that seems to be making me totally and completely insane. I feel like I'm living in a math problem. It's so black and white and clear and clean and predictable. I keep telling myself I should rejoice and be thankful for that, and to a large degree, I am. But then the punk ass part of my heart is all kinds of whiney.
I have been talking with my former boss a lot this past week and it brings up so many questions for me...questions about who I am, what I am capable of, what I believe I am capable of.
I guess in many ways I feel like I'm ho-humming my life away. It's very responsible and tidy. But at the end of my life, what do I really want to look back on?
I heard someone say or read this somewhere that "life is 90% relationships", and then I think, Yea, that's so true. Why don't I just breath in my awesome husband and enjoy my time with him? And for that matter, since he's so awesome, why don't we just have some children and extend the awesome? After all, I'm almost 30...and he's already carving out the years in his third decade of life. But, then my crazy mind goes crazy. Honest to goodness, this was my thought process today at Target, as I was walking in the parking lot behind a lady carrying a toddler:
Kids are nice. Maybe we should have a kid. Why would we have a kid though? The earth can't continue to support the human population at its current growth rate. But then why are we biologically designed to want to reproduce? Will the human population smother itself out? Maybe we should adopt a kid. I'd rather adopt an older kid. We should just wait. I'm only 29. It would be weird to adopt a 13 year old and only have 16 years between our ages. We'll just have a kid when we feel like the time is right and that's not now, so this doesn't matter. Deal with it later. But I can't wait forever to have a kid. I'm pushing 30. But say I had some dream career right now, would I even want a kid? I can't use a kid as an escape because I'm not happy with my current life situation. That is horrible. Too many women lose their identity when they have kids. I don't want that to happen to me. (Open door and walk into Target.) YESSS!! Swimsuit sale!!
Is that insanity or what? Seriously, how can I go from questioning the intricacies of how the human population will sustain itself to Um, do they have this bikini in blue??
Nerd meets shallow sorority girl, much?
But the thing is, that whole thought process wasn't even about kids. I have this way of fixating on some issue that is not at all the issue. Really, I am wrestling with what kind of person I am. How much do I really care about those around me? How much am willing to inconvenience myself to make someone else's life better? How much do I live in fear? How long will I live in comfort, not tapping into the very things that fill me with passion and life? How much am I willing to speak my mind? What do the seasons of life mean?
Sigh.
So, that's all.
2 comments:
Oh Natasha, I can relate to this. I recently had a "blah" sort of time period that drove me CRAZY!!! I'm so sorry to hear of your brothers' family right now... that is so hard for everyone.
When I say this next part I don't mean to breeze over all you've said as though it matters not. But. All of this will pass! Good for you for acknowledging the fact that you are in a state of neither hot nor cold and need to spice it up a bit! AND I realize the things which seem to pop into our heads first really aren't the root of the matter. But. I have to reassure you that when the day comes you decide to have kids, you need not worry about all that stuff! It's a scary but inevitable honour to lose your life in puting someone elses first (your kids, in this case); God will take care of the earth as you follow your heart into parenthood; the time to have a child will never be perfect but always right; your career, dreamy as it may be at any given time, will never match the job of guiding a tiny heart that you have brought to life - you can always return to that career down the road. And. In questioning all this, you are not shallow. Just normal. Many people don't even question. They just sit, content with the feeling of "blah". I'd say you're doing just fine!!! :)
You help in ways you don't even realize.
And it sounds like you are headed to a better spot.
Personally I adore Natasha Nikkel, admire her fiercely, and learn greatly from her.
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